Peace

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support! We went away for the weekend and it was exactly what I needed. I'm feeling peaceful and calm and I've decided that adoption will be the right thing for us. I'm excited about no more doctor appointments, no more needles, no more ultrasounds or blood work. I wish things would have turned out differently but I'm excited about the future. I know that somehow, someway I will become a mom. I know the road to adoption will be difficult, but IVF was difficult, miscarriages were difficult and a failed FET was difficult. I'm so proud of all of you who continue with fertility treatments and IVF. But for me, at least right now it just doesn't feel right anymore. I want to be a mother. I'm ready to start the adoption process. Now if I only can pick out an agency and figure out which direction to go. I will still get to be a mother! Someday! Somehow!

The Universe

Things have been strange as  I recover from may failed FET. I have moments where I feel great and optimistic about the future. Other moments I am reminded that I failed at our last attempt to have a baby and that the likelihood of me ever becoming pregnant and giving birth to a child probably will not happen. I still believe in miracles, but I'm also being realistic at this point.

We had a great time camping over the fourth. It was an adult weekend with a tubing trip. It was fun. I didn't think about children. But when the weekend was over and we were driving home; I started to cry. I want to be camping with my kids! My kids that may never come and that is frightening!

I realize now how much hope I had in those two little frozen embryos. My doctor called and left a message about how sorry he was. His message sounded so sincere it brought me to tears. He wants me to come back; he still believes he can help me. I'm not sure that is the right thing. We had decided that this would be our last shot. We had decided that we have spent just to much time and money spinning our wheels. But than the What Ifs come into my head! What If we do it again and it works?

I have a cousin whose daughter has been on and off in foster care. His wife overdosed and passed away shortly after their daughter was born. My cousin has never been stable. He also has drug dependencies and responsibility issues which makes me think he wont be able to raise his daughter on his own. He is currently living in another state. We have offered time and time again to take his daughter, which he has graciously declined. He feels that he can work through the system and raise his daughter. Last night I had dinner with his mom, who informed me that my cousin is thinking about having his dad and step-mom raise his daughter, even though he has never had a good relationship with either. His mom told me that my other cousin who I'm pretty close to thought that this would be in the best interest of his daughter. This was another slap in the face for me. If  I can't get my own family to pick me to raise their child, how will a stranger pick me? Talk about feeling like shit. Now my fear is What if we never get picked?

I've started researching adoption agencies; there are a ton of them. Should I go through foster care? Domestic infant, international or an older child waiting for a home adoption?

I read a wonderful post this week about listening to the universe. It makes sense when the universe talks we should listen. My problem is I'm not hearing anything. I want the universe to talk to me as crazy as that sounds! So if you are listening Universe I could take a little guidance now! The only thing I know for sure is I want a family. I want to be a mom! And if it isn't meant to be then why wont this feeling go away?

Nothing has Changed

Well I had the second blood test done today, like the nurse recommended and nothing has changed. I'm still at a one, actually .5. So I'm  definately not pregnant, although I really already knew that. But some strange part of me was still hoping for a miracle, as weird as that sounds. In the near future I need to move on to Plan B, whatever Plan B ends up being. I looked at adoption and foster care before but honestly I became so overwhelmed with all of the reserach out there. Should we try foster care? Should we try to adopt in our state? In a different state? Internationally? Truthfully, I dont know where to start. Does anyone know a good place to start?

I want to start researching. I want to have goals. But I also know I need a little time to heal before I take another plunge. Truthfully, I would not be up for another disappointment right now. I'm going to try to enjoy the summer, focus on my job, and my amazing family and friends. Thanks again for all of your love and support. I will be catching up with all of your blogs shortly!

One can be an ugly number

First of all thank-you for the love and support. I wish I had better news to report. I wish my journey was taking a different direction. I really thought since my last two embies made it through the thaw; that they would be my fighters the ones that would make it. That they would grow, and I would have a birth story to share. I thought, or hoped that next March I would be a mother. My Beta came in today at 1. Yes, one as in uno, definitely negative the nurse explained. She said to stop all of my meds, have another blood test done on Thursday for protocol, and make a WTH went wrong appointment with Dr. D.

I wasn't ready yet to throw in the towel. I knew my number would be low since I received a negative on both home pregnancy tests, but I was hoping it would be even  maybe a five.  I would take a five. I'm not sure if I will do the second pregnancy test on Thursday, or make the WTF went wrong appointment with Dr. D. I'm not sure it matters what went wrong since I know we will be not trying again. It makes me sad to think I will never experience pregnancy, but I also know it's time to stop treatment. IF has stolen lots of time and money from me, and I know longer feel like being on this roller coaster. I believe for me it's time to stop. Maybe I will change my mind, since the future is always uncertain. I do know I could love any child and in the future we will need to make some tough choices about adoption and foster care. Again, I know with that  road there are also no certainties. The one thing I truly have learned is that in life there are no certainties; we truly can take nothing for granted. I'm not ready to throw in the towel of becoming a mother. But I can't help thinking maybe we are meant to be child-free. I love my husband, family, friends and work, maybe I should just be content and grateful with what I have. But damn it I really want to be a mother! For now, I have to get through teaching my summer classes and I will be planning a well deserved vacation in August! Thanks again for all of your support!

Disappointed

This morning I'm feeling so disappointed. The second pregnancy test still came up negative with the words clearly Not Pregnant. I'm feeling less optimistic at this point since my actual BETA is tomorrow, but I'm still not ready to throw in the towel. Maybe my BETA numbers are just to low to show up on the home test. Maybe I will stay in denial for one more day. I want to believe the test is wrong, but it seems unlikely at this point. I felt like it was a miracle for our last two guys to even make it through the thaw. This will more than likely be our last attempt, and I really believed that one of these little guys would make it. I'm going to get out of this funk, head to work, and pray for better results tomorrow. I hope all of you are having a better Monday morning!

Uncertainty

I hate the uncertainty of this journey. I hate the wait. I hate not knowing if I will end up being a mother. I broke down and took a pregnancy test and the words clearly read NOT Pregnant. My official pregnancy test is not until Tuesday, so I'm hoping it is just to early. I wish I wouldn't have tested. Now I'm left with more uncertainty is it to early, or is this not the cycle for me. What do you girls think, to early or should it be accurate at this point?

They Made IT!

Thanks everyone for all of the positive thoughts and prayers! Both of our frozen embryos made it to the transfer, and hopefully if we are real lucky they will hang around for nine months to become our miracle babies. Dr D said one was really good, and the other was OK. I didn't ask for the grades this time; I just wanted to get them in me. I love them already! The transfer went smoothly and I rested away all weekend. I felt a little bad about missing Father's Day, but my dad understands this craziness we have been going through to have a baby and he is a pretty understanding, no pressure guy, at least now, I can't say that was always the case when I was growing up. My parents are now in their seventies and I know they would love to be grandparents, so hopefully this time will be the charm. I have a good feeling, but I don't want to get overexcited just to get knocked down. I know from experience a lot of things have to go right to take a baby home. I really hope this is our time! I took an extra day off work today, just so I know I did everything in my power to make this work. I always worry if I'm doing too much, or to little. But, I'm going to try not to worry and just try to be extremely careful. Today I'm happy. Even with a bruised ass from all the shots I'm happy. I could be on my way to finally becoming a mother!