Cysts and IVF-Day Three

Yesterday was such a hectic day. I was up and out the door at the crack of dawn to be on time for my ultrasound. Again, I really miss the girls at my last RE's office, they were so friendly. I went to my new RE's satellite office since it's closer to me than their main office. Their satellite office is also an OBGYN office, so it was a little strange. I'm not use to the kids toys and very pregnant women in the waiting room. But I survived. My wait wasn't long and the ultrasound tech seemed very thoroughly. She looked at my left ovary first and said it looked great, three little follicles already forming. Then she examined the right ovary and found a cyst, 2.5 cm. She stated that she doubted that my doctor would start me on the medications, but wait for the nurse to call. So I left thinking my life was on hold one more month. At 3:00 I still hadn't heard from the nurse who normally calls me so I called the office to find out she was off for the day. Of course. The receptionist transferred me to another nurse who stated that they normally do IVF even if there is a little cyst there. I expressed my concerns, and she said the doctor would call me. I really don't want to be a difficult patient, but since we are paying for this out of pocket and who knows if we will ever have the funding again I want to do everything we can do to be successful. The doctor called me last night and said he wasn't worried about the cyst. That my hormone levels looked great, my thyroid levels were back to normal, and the cyst would not effect the number of eggs I develop. He also stated that if the cyst is still there when he takes out my eggs he will just drain it. Of course I was concerned about the cyst causing a miscarriage. He made me feel better and my DH (C) told me last night I should stop worrying. That we should trust the doctor, he is highly recommended and he feels confident that he will do everything in his power to make this work for us. So I'm trying to be positive, have faith and just let the chips fall where they may. But boy is this difficult. I started the Gonal F last night and go for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm hoping for lots of healthy eggs this time. Has anyone else gone through IVF with having a cyst?

Day Two

Yesterday afternoon I was blessed with Aunt Flow arriving. She was a few days early this month and this generally doesn't happen to me. So here we go with IVF #2. The first time I was excited, but this time I am just freaking out. Constantly questioning myself is this the right decision? I didn't have that the first time around. Maybe I was just more naive about what my body would have to go through. I was definitely naive about having a miscarriage. I thought to myself no God would let me lose my baby after years of struggling to get pregnant. But my guardian angel must have been on vacation because it happened. Now a year after the miscarriage we are trying IVF again. I had my blood taken yesterday since my doctor agreed to run a few more tests to make sure everything looks good, (since I am stressing out that something could be wrong.) I had my blood taking this morning to find out my FSH level and tomorrow morning I have my first ultrasound. I'm scared. I don't want to be but I am. I'm having cold feet. I still want to be a mother and have a baby with C more than anything in the world, but this time I'm just plain nervous. I know what can happen.

Driving home last night, I asked for a sign that this was the right thing to do, and a Dove sat on our deck watching me make dinner. This has to be some type of sign right? I'm not a very religious person, but I'm definitely spiritually and I'm definitely looking for signs. Driving home from work tonight I was thinking about how much money this was costing us and realizing we were still short. When I opened the mail tonight our credit card company had sent us checks that can be used with 0% interest as long as its paid off before June 2012. Now I'm not a big fan of us taking on more debt but this seems like another sign right? Than why am I still scared. Maybe its because I'm not much of a gambler. I dont like my 50/50 odds. I would never go into a casino and put this kind of money on black; I would be having anxiety about seeing red. Life is a risk; I know this. I also know that this has been a long journey and without the IVF our dreams of being parents probably wont happen. I'm going to get up at dawn and drive to my ultrasound appointment. I just wish I wasn't so nervous about it!

More Waiting

I feel like I am constantly waiting, but also feeling optimistic that my miracle will come. I don't mind waiting as long as there is a happy ending. The nurse at the RE office called me Friday to tell me she had all of our results finally and everything looks good except for that C. has low Vitamin D. The lab would like to see it over 30 and he was only at 18. So 2000 Vitamin D a day for him too. It seems strange that we are both low on Vitamin D, but the nurse stated lots of people in Michigan are low this type of year. That makes sense, since we haven't seen the sun in six months. It appeared today and it was gorgeous. I tried to get some extra Vitamin D today to make up for the long winter. I talked to my nurse about running a few more tests to make sure we weren't missing anything, since I'm still concerned about miscarrying again. When she called me back she said the doctor agreed, but didn't really feel it was necessary. I know he is doubling my progesterone since that was so low before and I will stay on the thyroid medication which could have caused problems to. But I just dont want to miss anything. The Fed Ex man delivered my package of drugs to me at work on Friday. It's overwhelming to look at all of the drugs together. So I'm just trying to concentrate on positive thoughts for now. More blood on Monday and then just waiting for AF to come. I'm secretly praying that AF will not arrive and by some miracle we will actually conceive on our own. Wow, to be like one of those couples who just have sex and have a baby! Life is such a crazy journey!

Moving Along

This week seemed a little hectic with trying to prepare for IVF. The nurse from my new RE's office called this week telling me there were three problems. One they did not have any of C's stuff, the lab had missed testing me for Chlamydia which needed to be done before IVF, and my vitamin D was low. I don't recall us ever talking about us providing a sample for C since his numbers have always looked good, but I guess it makes sense. The nurse suggested that we go to a local lab, she would fax me the lab slip, since we live two hours from the doctors office. When I asked her where she recommended to go she said she had no idea. I really am missing the girls at my old RE's office. Sure, the doctor there had some issues, but the girls that worked there were wonderful. After calling three of our areas local labs and telling them my story, I found a lab that could help us. So because C couldn't take anytime off work this week and I have a pretty flexible job; I was the lucky one who got to deliver the package. It was so strange dropping it off at a regular lab where everyone else was waiting to have their blood work done and I was reaching under my shirt to pull out the package I was trying to keep warm. Oh the life of being an Ifer; if it wasn't for having a good sense of humor I think we would all go crazy.

I went yesterday morning to have my blood taken again at the lab that forgot the one test. I learned an important lesson yesterday, when the phlebotomist comes out and says she is a student, ""Do you mind if I take your blood?" Just say NO. Of course I know everyone has to learn a new job at some point, but I think I was this girl's first patient. She put the needle in too deep, so needless to say it was not a good experience. Her supervisor had to take over and take the blood in the other arm; and I have a big bruise this morning in the arm that the student phlebotomist tried to take blood from. Again, I miss the phlebotomist from my old RE's office. She was wonderful! C has had to remind me that the new RE is a lot more thoroughly than the old one. I know we made the right choice switching, it's just that things were way more convenient at the old Re's office.

Started taking Vitamin D no problems there! After receiving some really good advice I'm seriously considering putting the IVF on hold while I have some more tests run. I'm going to call and talk to the RE on Monday. I just want to make sure I do everything in my power not to miscarry again; that's if we are lucky enough to become pregnant. Thanks for the support and advice I really appreciate all of you.

A Quiet Sunday

My parents were here for the weekend, they live about two hours north of us, and I always love spending time with them. They have now headed home, and for right now I am enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon; trying not to feel guilty that I'm ignoring the list of things I needed to do today. I'm blessed to have my parents, they are in their seventies and in great health. I have not told them yet that I will be doing IVF next month and I'm conflicted on rather to tell them or not. Part of me feels like I'm keeping this big secret from them if I don't tell them but part of me feels that I put to much pressure and disappointment on myself if I tell them and it doesn't work out or I miscarry again. It broke my heart all over again when I had to tell my mom last year that I had lost the baby and she would not be a grandma anytime soon. With my brother turning 40 next month and being happy with the bachelors lifestyle for now, I'm really her only hope. No pressure right?

I'm still taking the Synthroid for my thyroid but I really don't feel any different yet. Although it's only been a week. I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my insurance company that they will not be paying for some of my medications for the upcoming IVF. Their reason being that this is for IVF; if I was doing IUI they would cover the medication. If I thought doing IUI would work I would definitely go that route. But after four unsuccessful IUI's it seems that IVF is the best route. What's odd is that they did cover the medication for my first IVF. Did I just get lucky? Tomorrow I will have to call the pharmacy and prepare myself for the bad news when I found out how much all of this medication will cost me.

The Rollercoaster

What a roller coaster ride I feel like I'm riding on. Yesterday, I felt great, AF was finally gone and I was feeling confident in our decision to do our second round of IVF next month. But, this morning I woke up with a million What Ifs running around in my head. I really hate these What Ifs? What if we spend all of this money and it doesn't work? What if I miscarry again? Then the nurse at my new doctors office called me this afternoon with my blood results from Friday. Now there seems to be something wrong with my thyroid! Which is funny since I have been questioning that for the last few years. It's also ironic because the nurse told me I really didn't need my thyroid checked again but I insisted it be done. It's amazing to me that even with the best doctors you really have to be your own advocate when it comes to your fertility. The nurse said anything over 3 they consider high and my levels are 4.6. So tonight I begin taking Synthroid and hope that my levels are normal by the time AF shows up again. Does anyone else have a thyroid problem?

I became really frustrated at work today which now I feel bad about; I'm just so tired of waiting. When I married C. five years ago I assumed that we would have children by now. I know I'm not alone but when I look around me it seems so many woman who started trying when we did have two or three children by now. And again I'm just spinning my wheels. I can't help but wonder how long have I had this thyroid problem and has it been causing my infertility problem the whole time? So far we have just been categorized with "unexplained infertility." Part of me feels that maybe we should put the IVF on hold to see if I can get pregnant on my own once my thyroid is under control without going through IVF. But since I'm now closer to 40 than 35 it seems that time is not on my side. Plus we would be out the $2000 we have already paid, and let's face it there is no money tree growing in our backyard. Boy, do I wish we had one of those.

I have such a good support group at work which I'm thankful for. Many have been part of this journey for awhile and I've been pretty open about my struggles. But it's starting to feel like it's too much, that I'm constantly bombarded with questions and every conversation has to be about my uterus. I really love my friends at work but it seems clear I need to put up some boundaries. Especially since no one at work has experienced this first hand and I think this is so hard to understand if you haven't been here. Any suggestions on how to put up boundaries without hurting any ones feelings? Thanks for listening.

My Mind is Racing

I should still be sleeping. I was excited about sleeping in this morning; I took the morning off since I'm having acupuncture done today. But when C's alarm went off this morning, I was wide awake my mind already racing. I feel restless. Again I'm left waiting. Waiting to start AF so I can have my blood taken. Then waiting for AF one more time in April to start IVF all over again. I'm hoping for some type of miracle here that maybe AF wont come and we will be pregnant all on our own. But after five years of trying, I doubt that will be the case. I have heard stories of woman who struggled with IF for years, stopped trying and became pregnant. I hate to sound cynical, but what are the odds, really? I need to find an OBGYN for a yearly exam that is past due. I also need one in case I'm lucky enough to get my BFP in April. I have not been back to my "old" OBGYN since I had the miscarriage. He was so cold about it. It was a horrible experience and every time I think about it my blood boils. I definitely do not want to go back there. Besides his office is 45 minutes from my work so I really need someone closer. What is the best way to find a new doctor? I'm also struggling with how we are going to pay for this IVF. Once again we are wiping out our savings and will still have to go more in debt. Should we take out a loan, use a credit card? Why can't I be one of those girls that just has sex and gets pregnant? Hopefully, I will feel more relaxed after acupuncture.