MIA

I'm so sorry that I have been MIA for most of July. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I think I tried to get back into the real world to fast after my miscarriage in May and it ended up making me feel isolated and depressed. C and I have also been on edge with each other lately. I have been angry at the world and he can't seem to realize why I just can't move on. Sometimes I feel very stuck and indecisive about my journey. Sometimes I want to jump off this infertility roller coaster. I tell myself that many people live child free and are happy. Right? And other times I feel like I need to fight harder for my opportunity to be a mother. These are the days that I wished that I had a crystal ball. Our finances have been better, our marriage has been tested and a piece of my heart is broken. But it's time for me to make some decisions about what is next for us on this journey. I'm telling myself over and over again that someday I will be a mother. I'm holding on to my hope and faith because at times really what else do we have? C and I were able to get away for a few days last week and I think that has helped with my healing process. Sometimes one just has to get away and having a week off work especially helped. I really struggled to go back to work today and I realized I know longer love my job. I love the people I work with just not the job itself anymore. I somehow also developed a stye in my eye which has now become swollen. Yes. I love walking around with a swollen eyelid. The eye doctor put me on antibiotics and I'm hoping it goes away soon or he says I may need eye surgery. Really only I would have to have surgery because of a stye. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening catching up on every ones blogs. I really have missed you all and I appreciate the love and support you always have to offer.

What Ifs

Today has been a day of What Ifs for me. I hate the What Ifs. I know they are not healthy to have, but for right now, I just can't shake them. I'm sorry in advance that this post is rather depressing. The What Ifs are consuming me. The more soul searching I try to do, to figure out what's best for us, the more confused I become. I'm wondering how I went from being such a strong and confident woman to not having a clue on what to do next. How did these What Ifs all end up in my head? It leaves me scared about the future. What If I have another miscarriage? What If we do another round of IVF and it doesn't work? What If I can never carry a child to term? What If my eggs are too old? What If we never have the money to even consider doing IVF again or adoption? What If we go through with adoption and are never picked by a family? What If we fall in love and the birth mother changes her mind? What If there is no child out there that is meant to be with us? What IF I'm not meant to be a mother? I felt like I was handling everything so well but I cant seem to get these doubts out of my mind today. After four failed IUIs and two IVFs that resulted in two miscarriages, I can't help thinking maybe this isn't meant to be. But sadly, I still want a family. Maybe I will just get pregnant, by having sex, like everyone else does. A girl can dream can't she?

Dysfunctional Family Members and Foster Care

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback on my last post. I feel like I've been a bad blogger and haven't been writing much on my blog lately. But the truth is since we are on hold right now there isn't much to report. My goal is by July to have a solid plan on what to do next. I have learned through infertility that plans don't always work out like they should. But I always need a Plan A and a backup plan just in case Plan A doesn't work out. So having no plan right now seems strange and frustrating to me. This is the first time during this journey that I haven't been confident on what to do next. The indecisiveness is painful for me.
I have a cousin who is four years older than me; he has struggled on and off for the last twenty years with a drug addiction. His wife overdosed last year leaving their newborn daughter behind. My cousin who lives in another state than me lost custody of his daughter last November. I offered to take her so his daughter would not have to go into foster care. He refused saying he didn't want his daughter to leave the state where he lives and he would work the process to gain custody back of his daughter. Which he did. However, he recently has been arrested and his daughter has been placed once again in foster care. Again I offered to take his daughter which he agreed to this time but than quickly changed his mind. His mother is now trying to get guardianship which seems like a horrible idea since she doesn't have the financial means and is not emotionally stable. I love his mother but she attempted to commit suicide twice last year and refuses to accept treatment for her problems. She is depressed and bipolar. My cousin told another family member that he is afraid that if his daughter goes with me, "to a stable environment" he will never be able to get her back. I love my dysfunctional family members, but it irritates me behind words how they continuously make bad choices, now it doesn't just affect them but a innocent child. His daughter just celebrated her first birthday with her foster care family. I'm praying that she is with a fabulous family as I write this. I know that there are many wonderful foster care families out there but I have also heard some horror stories about the less than desirable families out there. I placed a call to my cousin's child case worker today but as of yet I have not heard back from her. His mother believes she will obtain guardianship later this week. This seems so ironic to me. My cousin easily brings a child into the world he can't care for while we and so many others struggle to bring a child home. Has anyone tried to navigate the foster care system while living in a different state than the child? I'm pretty sure the child will be placed with his mother at this point. Which I'm sure will not be the best situation for this child. I really want his daughter to have a good life, to have opportunities and be loved. I wonder if I could be strong enough to be a good foster parent? To fall in love with a child and than be ordered to send that child home, maybe even back into a less than desirable situation, sounds painful. But I would be willing to do it, especially for my cousin's daughter. Thanks for letting me vent. All of these thoughts seem to be racing through my mind right now.

What To Do Next?

I hate to admit it but I'm stuck on what to do next. I feel we are stuck at some important crossroads and I still have no idea on which way to go. Every decision has pro and cons and I'm scared of ending up on the wrong road. I want to be a mother. This is the only thing I'm sure about. Part of me wishes the feelings of wanting to be a mother would go away. Wouldn't my life be so much easier drinking wine and taking vacations? I could have traveled to a few exotic places by now, with all of the money we have spent on fertility treatments. I'm starting to doubt myself and wondering if I'm truly meant to be a mother. If I was meant to be a mother wouldn't it have happened by now? But, if it wasn't meant to be, why do I still dream of hearing pitter patter of little feet and holding a baby in my arms?

I thought I have been doing pretty well lately. Working, writing, getting out and visiting family and friends; but today I can't seem to shake the uncertainty of the future. Our journey, like many of yours, has been a crazy one. Cycles of Clomid, cycles of Gonal F, four failed IUI's and two rounds of IVF's which were both able to result in BFP's but unfortunately both also resulted in losses in the first trimester. It's hard not to become bitter when all the fertility bills start rolling in and you still have nothing to show for it. It's even harder for me to think about the two angels that I have lost, and what could have been. Do I want to put myself through that again?

So these are options:
1. Continue with fertility treatments
2. Start the adoption process to adopt an infant
3. Become foster parents
4. Do nothing and accept that we will probably be childless.

Thanks for letting me vent today!

The Future

We decided to get away for the weekend and I'm so glad we did. It was one of the best weekends I've had in awhile. It was nice to get away, shop, have a few drinks in a bar and watch the band, went to an art show and hung out at Lake Michigan. We got to visit with same family who knew nothing about my current loss. I tried not to stare at every pregnant lady I saw or small child. I was able to lose some of my sadness. I miss being pregnant, even though it was only for a short period. I miss thinking that we were going to have a baby coming in the end of December or early January. I wonder what my future holds. Will I ever get to be a mother? I've decided that I will use our frozen guys in August (assuming that everything goes well) and if that doesn't work move on to adoption. I've already started researching some agencies. There are so many. Does anyone have an adoption agency they would recommend or that they have heard good things about? If we are going to adopt I really need to make more money. I've enjoyed my current job as a career counselor. I love my boss and many of my coworkers but working for a nonprofit organization that has no room for advancement with minimal raises is difficult when looking at the costs of adoption. Plus I have been here for five years the same length of time we have been trying to start our family. Maybe it's just time for a change. It may sound odd but I'm really just feeling like there is a change coming. I remember my grandmother use to say "I can feel a change in the air" and that's how I'm feeling today.

More Blood Tests

Well yesterday I went in for my BETA and it had already dropped to 7. The nurse told me that anything over 5 they consider pregnant but by Friday when I have my next blood test it should be 0. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with this for months. But it makes me sad that I know longer feel pregnant. I am no longer pregnant. I'm hoping everything with my liver looks OK on Friday too. When you read about the side effects one could have from the Methotrexate shot it really is frightening. I wish I wouldn't have needed the shot it seemed that I was already miscarrying on my own but Dr D was worried about my tube bursting and the shot beats surgery. This whole experience has been such a disappointment and I'm just not sure what is next for us on this journey. We cannot try to get pregnant again until August which is frustrating. We still have two frozen embryos ready for us to use but Dr. D had commented that they aren't as good as quality as the little guys that were placed into me this time. I still cant believe my little guys are gone. I'm not sure I will be up for another round of IVF again. It seems at this point it's becoming emotionally and financially draining. I can't imagine going through this all over again and having the same results. I'm starting to look more and more towards adoption, all the information out there is overwelming. There are so many different adoption agencies how can anyone make a decision? Also, it seems that it costs between $20-30K to adopt. Not that you can put a price on having a family but honestly we don't have that kind of money right now. We have already spent so much on fertility treatments. It seems like it would take years for us to raise those kinds of funds. Adoption through foster care is another possibility, but I haven't done enough research to make a decision yet. Any thoughts on adoption or foster care?

Updates

First of all thank you so much for the supportive comments this week. I really appreciate all of you and am thankful that I can vent on this blog. Thursday afternoon I met with Dr. D who did an ultrasound and verified his suspicions that I had in fact an ectopic pregnancy. There is absolutely nothing in my uterus, no sac, no evidence that a sac ever existed. I felt like I was prepared for this but I wasn't. Hearing that my uterus was bare put me into tears for most of the evening last night. I had to come face to face with the fact that this time there would be no baby. I was a little irritated with Dr. D yesterday; I had a bunch of questions for him and he didn't want to answer them all at this time. He was very polite but stated "I want to get you out of the danger zone first. I will answer all of your questions later!" I appreciate that he wants me to be safe but I felt a little dismissed. And to make matters worse the appointment cost me $260. Seriously? After all the money we have already paid? This morning my blood levels finally rose to 211, this has been my highest level so far. Ironic that for weeks I have been praying that my levels go up, now when they need to go down they are finally rising. And I also started the period from hell this morning with the worse cramps I have ever had. I really thought I would die earlier. The nurse assured me this is normal and I was instructed to make the two hour trip to have the methotrexate shot administered. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to have the shot but it seems a better option than surgery or having my tube burst open. I don't understand why this has happened to me. I'm starting to question what is next in this journey for us. I'm starting to wonder if I really will ever become a mother. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I'm going to try to heal quickly. I thought I would have more peace, love and laughter this year. But it's hard to laugh when your heart is breaking. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. I'm hoping the rest of you are having better luck with your journeys.