Colds and Frustrations

Yesterday I had my meeting with Dr D. He was very kind and understood my frustration. He can still not provide me with all of the information that I need; I understand, but it just seems that with all the technology we have these days we would have so much more figured out. If you didn't read my last post, I recently found out I have MTHFR or Mother F*****!

Dr D stated that even though I did show up positive for hetro MTHFR, he didn't believe my levels were high enough to cause a miscarriage, especially since I did take a baby aspirin as a precaution during both my failed pregnancies. But, if we continue down this road he will increase my folic acid, have me take a baby aspirin, and put me on Lovenox.

Since I have been working with Dr D; he found my thyroid had a problem which I'm now on medication for. But my thyroid wasn't off that much, in some circles of doctors my thyroid levels would still be considered "normal" and this may not be why I miscarried either. Now I have MTHFR, but at my levels Dr D doesn't believe it would be enough to cause miscarriages. He thinks something else is going on with me, but simply doesn't know what it is. There are no more tests. He explained to me that in ten or fifteen years from now it probably will be very obvious what it is, for now there are no answers. Since I'm 38, I do not have 10-15 years to wait around.

On paper there are still no definite answers of why we have not been able to conceive on our own and on paper there are no answers why are two IVFs that resulted in pregnancy ended in failure. All I know for sure is that I've always wanted to be a mother, that I have been married six years to an amazing man that I can not seem to have a child with. Six years of no birth control, clomid, Gonal F, four rounds of IUIs, and two IVFs that resulted in two loses. All I know is that I still have nothing to show for all of this. Yes, I'm frustrated. The only good thing is that I will never have to worry about birth control! To top it off, I woke up this morning with a horrible cold, and had to go teach a class. What normally flows naturally for me seemed like a train wreck. I hope I'm feeling back on my game soon!

In the meantime, Dr D will be talking to another doctor he works with about my case. The other doctor has found some new research which could benefit me, but he's not sure yet. He didn't want to give me too much info in case I don't fit the profile. Sigh! If nothing comes from that should I get another opinion? Dr D is my third specialist and has been able to provide me with more answers than the first two, but I'm always left wanting more. It simply seems like the answers I want aren't there. Maybe they will never be.

Now I have to make some decisions, which I dread. I have two frozen embryos left, apparently number threes, no one or twos but threes. So maybe they are crappy embryos, but they are our embryos and I love them crappy or not. I'm sure it seems odd someone saying that they love their frozen embryos, but I do, and knowing that they have been waiting there has been giving me some hope. But to be reminded that the A's and B's are gone and only the C's remain was like pushing me down yesterday. But C students can do great things too right? Maybe these little number threes could work? Dr D believes I should do another round of IVF to try to get some 1s and 2s to mix in with the 3s. If this was free, or I had a money tre in my backyard I would be ready tomorrow. But I don't. I have a 25% chance with the 3's (if they both thaw properly) of course I have a much higher chance if we do a new cycle but that's a lot more money that we just don't have. I'm willing to go into debt (we already have) but the whole thing is becoming overwhelmingly frightened. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn. What to do? What to do? Wait and do a fresh cycle? Just transfer the two embryos I have? Get off this road and pursue adoption? Any good advice anyone has would be appreciated. I'm really just at a loss on what to do here. I want a guarantee and I realize there are no guarantees on this road I'm traveling! I'm hoping all of you are healthy and having a better week.