To Full Term-Darci Klein

I started reading an excellent book this week, "To Full Term," written by Darci Klein. I'm only about half way through but I'm planning on finishing it this week. Darci delivered her first daughter twelve weeks early and then went on to lose four babies until the birth of her son. Any miscarriage is devastating, I know mine was, I can't imagine the horror of losing four babies. She lost twins at twenty weeks. Darci is truly an amazing and courageous woman. She asks a lot of really good questions in this book. Like, why don't doctors research why women miscarry after their first one? Why do most doctors shrug it off and just tell us to keep trying? Most doctors don't pursue why women have a miscarriage until they have lost two or three babies. This is standard practice. Maybe it's just me but this seems absolutely crazy. I can't help but question why did I miscarry? Is there something wrong that has not been detected and could this possibly happen again? Darcy has a disorder called Factor V Leiden which can cause abnormal clotting that can lead to miscarriage. I've never even heard of Factor V Leiden before, I doubt I have been tested for this. This quote from the book absolutely haunts me, "A likely seven hundred thousand women lose pregnancies to treatable causes every year-and that's only in this country." I'm really trying hard not to worry. But this really bothers me. Even after all of the doctors we have seen and the tests they have run we have still been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." We were lucky enough to get pregnant with our first IVF but only to lose our baby at eight weeks. At seven weeks there was a light heartbeat and at eight weeks we were told that our baby was gone. What if something is wrong that will cause me to miscarry again? Are there more tests that I should do before the IVF in April? I feel like I need to do everything in my power to make sure that I don't miscarry again, that's if we are even lucky enough to get pregnant. Anyone else feeling nervous?

Updates!

A lot has happened since my last post and I'm excited that things seem to be moving forward. I made the two hour drive this week to have a sonohystogram and mock embryo transfer performed. Oh, how I hate that painful test but the good news is everything looks great! I was assigned to a nurse who will be with me step by step through IVF. We put down our deposit to reserve a spot in April for IVF and my emotions are all over the place. I have been feeling very anxious about the finances and emotions of all this but today I'm feeling very positive. Last January, we attempted our first IVF, we ended up with 4 little embryos that were all transferred into me, one made it and we were BFP! It was one of the happiest times of my life, but we ended up miscarrying right before the eight week, which was one of the most devastating times of my life. I went through a pretty dark chapter at that time and didn't think I would ever attempt IVF again. I realized though that my dreams of motherhood didn't disappear and I don't want to look back at my life with regrets. I will be on a lot more medications this time around. My new RE feels that I was not on the right medications with my first IVF and that's why I developed only six eggs. I will also be on a higher level of progesterone. He stated that the level of progesterone I was on before was very low and now I can't help but wonder if this caused the miscarriage. Was I just not getting enough progesterone? I will never know for sure why I miscarried and I know I shouldn't speculate on the reasons but it's so hard not to. My girlfriend's heart surgery went well and if all goes well she will be out of the hospital on Tuesday. This was the first weekend in months I didn't watch her son and although it was nice to accomplish some things on my to due list and get together with friends; I missed the sound of pitter-patter of little feet. Hopefully, I will be hearing the sound of my own child's pitter-patter of little feet in years to come. For now, I'm feeling positive and optimistic about the future.

The Roller Coaster of Emotions

This last week I've felt like I was back on a crazy roller coaster of emotions, many ups and downs. I met with my new doctor who I love . He is very personable, optimistic, and has the highest success rate with IVF in our area. I feel really good about him and his practice. Unfortunately, his office does not take our insurance and it cost me $220 for our first visit and an additional $950 to schedule IVF in April. My feelings of goodness and love have turned into major anxiety. Suddenly I wish our finances were better. I have came down with a cold and my best friend is currently in the hospital with major heart complications. I've been taken her five year old every weekend, who I love and adore, but my stress level seems high and now I have all of these "what ifs" running through my head. What if this isn't the right time? What if it doesn't work? What if I'm still left childless at the end of all of this? I'm generally very positive but right now I feel like I have a gray cloud swarming over me and I need it to pass quickly. Any suggestions on how to eliminate stress and anxiety?

Snow Day

I'm ready for spring but thankful for the snow day. We already have about eight inches on the ground and it is still falling. It really is beautiful unless you are shoveling or driving in it. A while back I read a book by a woman who claims that at 42 she became pregnant "naturally" by changing her lifestyle, mainly her diet. She believes that by fasting for three days you can release all of the toxins from your body and basically will be healthier after. During the fast you can have juices (made fresh) of course and organic fruits and vegetables if need be. I have had an organic apple and water so far today and I'm getting ready to make my first batch of juice. The acupuncturist that I'm seeing told me three days is to long to do this fast and she would prefer I only fast for one day. I'm thinking of compromising and doing it for two days depending on how this first day goes. After the fast you are suppose to eat only organic products especially meats, milk and eggs. At least there are a lot more organic products to choose from now than there were a few years ago. I was impressed with my first shopping trip to Trader Joe's, lots of fresh organic products. If someone would have told me two years ago I would be fasting and doing acupuncture I wouldn't have believed them. Funny all of the crazy things we do to have a baby, when others seem to get pregnant so easily. I've stopped trying to analyse why this is the case. I've just decided that all of us have different journeys and there are no answers for now. I hope 2011 is a great year for fertility!

Good Old Aunt Flow

Well good old Aunt Flow came this week and I'm feeling exceptional grumpy today. I'm pretty realistic at this point that we will not be getting pregnant like everyone else the "old-fashioned" way, but every month I still have that little glimmer of hope and than she comes good old Aunt Flow, right on time, just like clockwork. I also found out on Friday that our "new" specialist does not accept our insurance which is extremely disappointing. I suppose when I look at the big picture it will be alright since our insurance doesn't cover IVF and that seems to be our best option at this point. But I will have to pay $230 for my consultation next month and any other tests he feels will be necessary. The new specialist I will be seeing charges $3000 less than what we paid last time for IVF and his success rate is 51% which is awesome compared to the average. My DH (C) and I have agreed that this will be the last round of IVF we will do. I'm hoping for more quality eggs this time. My first IVF attempt only resulted in six eggs; only four developed into "healthy embryos"; only one survived and we were so excited that we were finally going to have our baby, but eight weeks later we miscarried. Now I wish we would have held out for a cycle with more eggs, but who knows what would have happened. Right now I'm just feeling anxious, all of these "what ifs" are running through my head. Plus I can't stop thinking about that I was pregnant at this time last year. I know I really just need to relax but today this agitated feeling won't go away. Poor C. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with today!

Just My Luck

So I made a decision to see the new doctor and am working on getting the referral from my primary doctor and having my old records transferred when I received an official letter that I may have jury duty. Of course, just my luck. The day of my appointment (Monday) I have to call the court house that weekend to see if my number is called and if my number is up I have to report. Could they be more vague? Although, I do appreciate the advanced notice it just puts me in a bad spot, do I reschedule my appointment now assuming I will be called? Or do I plan on going to the doctor hoping that my number isn't called? But, if it is called that I have to cancel on a very short notice, which seems so rude. Maybe this is just a sign that I should wait a little longer. But I'm starting to feel like my time is running out. So many of may friends that started trying to get pregnant the same time I did have one or even two children now. I'm trying to stay optimistic though.

Making Decisions

I have spent the last week looking at our options and trying to make some solid decisions; should we keep pursuing fertility treatments and try IVF again or move forward with adoption? We have decided to see a new specialist and try our luck again at IVF. I have to admit I'm nervous, I'm afraid of having the same results. The miscarriage last year was detrimental for me. But, I know in my heart we have to try again. I don't want to have any regrets later. I'm looking past the "what ifs" that could go wrong, the debt this is costing us, and reflecting on the end result of having a beautiful baby with C. I really want to be a mother, sometimes I wish I didn't, it would make my life so much easier. I'm scared because I know this will be our last shot for IVF, the last year we try, and I'm praying and hoping that we will be successful. I know so many of us want this, it's truly unbelievable how many of us struggle with starting a family. It really doesn't seem fair, but I know life often isn't fair. Now I need focus on getting get everything together: my records transferred from my "old" specialist to the "new" specialist, and a list of questions for the "new" specialist. I'm currently reading Getting Pregnant: What You Need To Know Right Now by Neils Lauersen and I'm wondering if there isn't a problem that has been missed. Is something wrong with my thyroid or could I have PCOD? I know I have had cysts on my ovaries in the past. Maybe I'm just looking for something to be wrong, something more explainable than "unexplained infertility." Can anyone recommend some good books on infertility?