Friday Updates

It's funny in the Infertility World how quickly our moods can change. It really is a hell of a ride, and anyone who decides to travel this road, must decide to buckle up for the long haul. I have learned this road is not for the faint of heart. In my real life (not that this blog and you guys are not real)I have friends who struggle with infertility. Not many, but a few. I always feel like I should have words of wisdom for them since I have been in the trenches longer than most. I try to offer support, advice and have wiped more than one tear. But so many of these decisions come down to what is right for us. I truly believe that we need to know when it's time to move on and continue to pursue our BFP and when it's time to stop, and get off the track. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices. I was thinking that we were going to be done. That I could not handle another disappointment, but I keep reminded myself about those two frozen embryos, and I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe one of them could be our lucky break; especially if they could find something wrong with me. If only they good fix my broken body, and maybe they can.

Last week at my appointment with Dr D, I vented my frustrations to him; that I felt like I just kept spinning my wheels and I left disappointed. I left still without answers. Sure my thyroid is a little off and I have a low dose of MTHFR (Mother F*****) but he doesn't feel like this is enough to cause my problems of infertility and loss. It's really hard for me to get my head around that medical science still does not have an answer. Why is it so difficult for me and many others to get pregnant and stay pregnant? Why can't we get pregnant on our own, and why have we miscarried our two precious babies that resulted from IVF? Why am I still a mother without a child? How can I and many others be such a medical mystery?

This week, one of my favorite nurses from Dr. D's office called me with some information, and explaining they would like me to do more tests. Apparently, Dr D has another patient who has a similar history as mine and recently went to another doctor for a second opinion. The new doctor tested her for Natural Killer Cells and she ended up testing positive. This is what has caused her infertility and miscarriages. Has anyone tested positive for this or no anyone who has? From what I have read online it appears that this is when the immune system works to well and immediately kills off any pregnancy. The body recognizes a foreign object and rejects it. Could it be that this whole time my own body has been working against me?

I will be having the testing done soon. Unfortunately, it seems the closest lab to me that currently offers this testing is a few states away. But they should be calling me next week to let me know my options. Apparently, this is treatable with the proper medication. Is it really possible that they might figure out what is wrong with me? Is it possible that I may actually get to have a baby? I can't believe that I'm actually excited to know that something might be wrong with me.

Today I'm really proud of my doctor. It would have been easy for him to not follow up with another doctor or get involved with new research that he knows nothing about. He seems to be taking an innovative, and really seems concerned to help his patients reach their dreams of having a baby. Hold on tight, this journey isn't over yet! I'm officially getting back into the trenches!

Colds and Frustrations

Yesterday I had my meeting with Dr D. He was very kind and understood my frustration. He can still not provide me with all of the information that I need; I understand, but it just seems that with all the technology we have these days we would have so much more figured out. If you didn't read my last post, I recently found out I have MTHFR or Mother F*****!

Dr D stated that even though I did show up positive for hetro MTHFR, he didn't believe my levels were high enough to cause a miscarriage, especially since I did take a baby aspirin as a precaution during both my failed pregnancies. But, if we continue down this road he will increase my folic acid, have me take a baby aspirin, and put me on Lovenox.

Since I have been working with Dr D; he found my thyroid had a problem which I'm now on medication for. But my thyroid wasn't off that much, in some circles of doctors my thyroid levels would still be considered "normal" and this may not be why I miscarried either. Now I have MTHFR, but at my levels Dr D doesn't believe it would be enough to cause miscarriages. He thinks something else is going on with me, but simply doesn't know what it is. There are no more tests. He explained to me that in ten or fifteen years from now it probably will be very obvious what it is, for now there are no answers. Since I'm 38, I do not have 10-15 years to wait around.

On paper there are still no definite answers of why we have not been able to conceive on our own and on paper there are no answers why are two IVFs that resulted in pregnancy ended in failure. All I know for sure is that I've always wanted to be a mother, that I have been married six years to an amazing man that I can not seem to have a child with. Six years of no birth control, clomid, Gonal F, four rounds of IUIs, and two IVFs that resulted in two loses. All I know is that I still have nothing to show for all of this. Yes, I'm frustrated. The only good thing is that I will never have to worry about birth control! To top it off, I woke up this morning with a horrible cold, and had to go teach a class. What normally flows naturally for me seemed like a train wreck. I hope I'm feeling back on my game soon!

In the meantime, Dr D will be talking to another doctor he works with about my case. The other doctor has found some new research which could benefit me, but he's not sure yet. He didn't want to give me too much info in case I don't fit the profile. Sigh! If nothing comes from that should I get another opinion? Dr D is my third specialist and has been able to provide me with more answers than the first two, but I'm always left wanting more. It simply seems like the answers I want aren't there. Maybe they will never be.

Now I have to make some decisions, which I dread. I have two frozen embryos left, apparently number threes, no one or twos but threes. So maybe they are crappy embryos, but they are our embryos and I love them crappy or not. I'm sure it seems odd someone saying that they love their frozen embryos, but I do, and knowing that they have been waiting there has been giving me some hope. But to be reminded that the A's and B's are gone and only the C's remain was like pushing me down yesterday. But C students can do great things too right? Maybe these little number threes could work? Dr D believes I should do another round of IVF to try to get some 1s and 2s to mix in with the 3s. If this was free, or I had a money tre in my backyard I would be ready tomorrow. But I don't. I have a 25% chance with the 3's (if they both thaw properly) of course I have a much higher chance if we do a new cycle but that's a lot more money that we just don't have. I'm willing to go into debt (we already have) but the whole thing is becoming overwhelmingly frightened. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn. What to do? What to do? Wait and do a fresh cycle? Just transfer the two embryos I have? Get off this road and pursue adoption? Any good advice anyone has would be appreciated. I'm really just at a loss on what to do here. I want a guarantee and I realize there are no guarantees on this road I'm traveling! I'm hoping all of you are healthy and having a better week.

Super Bowl Sunday and Updates

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! Once again, I'm running behind on my updates. I cant believe it is already February, it seems like just yesterday we were bringing in the New Year. The new semester is in full swing and working at three places is really keeping me busy. I love teaching college, but I admit I know I can't keep things up at this pace forever. I have also been taking a three week online class that just ended today. The class was really a lot more involved than I anticipated, but now I can sign up to teach classes online which could potential save me a lot of time and gas money. It sounds funny when you think about it, take a class online to teach online, but I guess it makes sense.

Dr D has been out of town but we have an appointment set up for this Thursday. One of the nurses did call me with my test results and there is a problem. I have MTHFR, which for now I'm referring to as mother f*****. Seriously? After all of this! I have mixed feelings, part of me is relieved they found something wrong, maybe, just maybe this will prevent me from having another miscarriage. But part of me is just pissed off, I specifically asked to be checked for this before my last round of IVF. Apparently, I was checked for some blood clotting disorders, but not all of them. Why not? I just don't understand why we have to experience loss before medical science intervenes. Seriously, between infertility and losses I understand the lesson that life isn't fair, but sometimes it sure seems like it could be a whole lot easier. I'm hoping to use our two last embryo babies in March and I'm hoping to have more answers on Thursday on how to proceed.

It seems like there are a lot of pregnant people in my life right now. I have three friends from high school who are currently pregnant. Part of me is really excited about this, since we will all be turning 39 this year, maybe my time has not run out. Maybe 40 is the new 30! But I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any sadness. There are times when I wonder will I really get a chance to be a mother? So many of my blogger friends are also pregnant or have already delivered your babies safely into the world. I'm so happy for you all, and after all of your heartache, sacrifices, and tears I couldn't be happier for you. But again I wonder will it ever be my turn. But I'm going out on a limb, I'm willing to take another chance, and I'm hoping and praying that I will get my turn. Really what more can a girl do? The only nice thing about not being pregnant is that I will be able to have a few beers later as I hang out and watch the Super Bowl. Love and Baby Dust to you all and as always thanks for your love and support!

The New Year/New Appointments

This afternoon I finally went in for my appointment with Dr. D. When I met with him back in the end of November we agreed that I should have more tests run before I have my two frozen embryos put in me. In December, I had a crap load of blood taken to recheck for blood clotting diseases and also check for some rare ones that they didn't check before. They also ran tests on all of my chromosomes. I'm still waiting for all of the results. It's a good thing I'm use to playing the waiting game. At this point, I will be totally crushed if all this time I have had something that a simple blood test would have revealed. But at the same time, I would be relieved to find out why I have miscarried and maybe, just maybe, if something can be fixed, and I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I can successfully deliver our child into the world. I'm still hopeful. This afternoon, I was lucky enough to have an endometriosis biopsy performed on me. Yes, I'm starting the year out right. It hurt, but was over quickly. Hopefully, I will be giving a clean bill of health and they won't find anything unusually with my uterus. They won't have the results for a week or two and I'm going to try to stop thinking about it. I have been walking around for days wondering if I have a hostile uterus, maybe it really is a dark, scary place where life can not grow. For now, I'm going to drink a glass a wine, catch up on all your blogs and think positive thoughts about lovely soil!

Almost the New Year

I'm slowly catching up with all of you and getting ready for the New Year. It's been an emotional year, and I'm ready to put it to rest. Many of you have experienced terrible losses and disappointments this year; my heart aches for all of you. But many of you have experienced tremendous joys; your baby's have arrived safely into the world, or you are moving right along in a health pregnancy and soon will meet your little bundle of joy. As much as I'm truly excited for you, I would be lying if I didn't say that part of me feels left behind. I continue to remain a mother without a child and if I dwell on it long enough it makes me depressed and feel a little crazy. So I try not to dwell and most of the time it works. Like today, I feel incredibly hopeful. If it can happen for you then maybe it can happen for me. Strike that, I can happen to me. I'm determined not to be a quitter; one way or another I'm going to make my dreams come true. This year has been rocky; I lost a baby early in my pregnancy this year, but I know I can get pregnant and I have two little frozen embryos waiting for me. I almost lost my BFF when her heart gave out on her, but she was able to receive a beautiful gift of a heart. She is doing extremely well after her heart transplant and should have many more quality years on this Earth. She was given the gift of life and will be able to raise her son. I started a new job that I love and have been able to pay off some of our debt. I have an amazing husband and family that I adore. I have incredible friends who remain supportive and you guys who read my blog and send me encouragement and love. Thank you so much for being there and convincing me not to throw in the towel. Things are not perfect, but I know they could be a lot worse. I'm going into 2012 knowing that miracles do happen and believing with all my heart that this will be my year for a miracle. If nothing else, I will know I gave it all I have, there will be no regrets. I hope all of you receive your miracle next year and your wildest dreams come true. Yes, I'm ready to put 2011 to bed. Happy New Year's!

11/11/11-Happy Wish Day!

11/11/11 seems to be a day full of babies being brought into the world and a day full of new beginnings. Happy Veteran's Day and Happy Make a Wish Day. I'm sorry that I have been gone for so long from my blog. I'm trying to catch up with all of you. Some of you have received wonderful news. My life changed and took a new direction in August and time has just flown away from me. I can't believe it is already November. In August, my best friend had to have a heart transplant at the age of thirty-seven. I learned a lot about the body and it's amazing strength. She is doing well and will be able to see her five year old son grow up due to advances in medicine and a loving individual and family who was strong enough to make a decision to leave their organs to others. As a side note, I signed up to be a organ donor recently. I'm hoping to live a long, long time but as I've learned with my struggle with infertility, no one knows what the future holds, there are no guarantees. In August, I also started two new jobs. I'm teaching at a community college and a local university. Both jobs are part time but I'm happy to have my foot in the door and I absolutely love teaching. It's a great feeling to feel like I'm actually doing what I was meant to do. Everything has been flowing easily but I have to admit at times the workload has been overwhelming. I don't care what anyone says teaching is a lot of work. I'm also still working part time as a career counselor. Yes, I am working three jobs and it has been crazy. My social life, my fertility treatments and my writing has all been put on hold. But for some reason I'm okay with this, I just keep trying to focus on the big picture. I've been able to make a bump in our debt and I finally feel ready to move forward. This weekend I'm taking some well deserved time off, drinking a glass of wine, going on a date with mu husband and trying to catch up on all of your blogs! Next week back to the fertility doctor and also time to get serious about adoption. I feel peaceful at least for the moment. I feel confident that we eventually will become parents and that I will one day become a mother! For now, I'm still wishing for my miracle and wishing the same for all of you no matter where you are in your journey!

MIA

I'm so sorry that I have been MIA for most of July. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I think I tried to get back into the real world to fast after my miscarriage in May and it ended up making me feel isolated and depressed. C and I have also been on edge with each other lately. I have been angry at the world and he can't seem to realize why I just can't move on. Sometimes I feel very stuck and indecisive about my journey. Sometimes I want to jump off this infertility roller coaster. I tell myself that many people live child free and are happy. Right? And other times I feel like I need to fight harder for my opportunity to be a mother. These are the days that I wished that I had a crystal ball. Our finances have been better, our marriage has been tested and a piece of my heart is broken. But it's time for me to make some decisions about what is next for us on this journey. I'm telling myself over and over again that someday I will be a mother. I'm holding on to my hope and faith because at times really what else do we have? C and I were able to get away for a few days last week and I think that has helped with my healing process. Sometimes one just has to get away and having a week off work especially helped. I really struggled to go back to work today and I realized I know longer love my job. I love the people I work with just not the job itself anymore. I somehow also developed a stye in my eye which has now become swollen. Yes. I love walking around with a swollen eyelid. The eye doctor put me on antibiotics and I'm hoping it goes away soon or he says I may need eye surgery. Really only I would have to have surgery because of a stye. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening catching up on every ones blogs. I really have missed you all and I appreciate the love and support you always have to offer.