The Blues

This weekend I wish I had more energy. I made a list of 25 things that I wanted to get accomplished, and I hate to admit it but only two items have been crossed off; which means I really need to get my act together today. I know the problem is me; honestly I don't feel like doing anything. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head Friday afternoon with a ferocity I haven't felt in awhile. I managed to go to an early dinner with a few close girlfriends on Friday night, and haven't been back out in the world since. Truthfully,I didn't want to go, but in the end I'm glad I did. They always make me laugh and make me feel better. However, I now have no desire to leave the house, or even return friends phone calls. I'm crabby and have no energy to give. I truly may have the blues! The pain yesterday was horrible, making it a day filled with Tylenol, resting, and I admit a few glasses of wine. My poor liver. This morning I'm feeling better, just lazy, unmotivated, tired, and I'm starting to have self-doubt; questioning if it isn't time to get out of the baby making ring. Days like yesterday make me wonder how much fight I still have left in me.

In other news, I went to see my high school girlfriend's baby last weekend, and he is adorable. He slept the whole time I was there, which was alright: I didn't have a strong desire to hold him. I don't think it would have upset me; I think I'm just nervous around newbies. I left there feeling excited, even though my friend S. hadn't planned on being a mother, I could tell she was going to be a good one, and that left me feeling content and leaving my heart in a warm place. Now if only I can get my heart back to that warm place today.

Where Does The Time Go?

I remember when I was a kid and all the adults around me would talk about the time passing so fast. I thought they were crazy. But now in my late thirties I understand what they mean. It seems like just yesterday I turned 30, and today we have a niece that is turning 20. Seriously? Am I old enough to have a niece that is 20? I guess so. I really hope she doesn't have children before we do, that would be a tough one to swallow. I was really, really hoping to be pregnant again by now. I wanted to have a baby this year, in 2012, the year of the dragon. But the process is moving slow and it doesn't look like that will happen. I also wanted to have a baby on 11/11/11 and somehow survived that not happening. Funny how in life we are forced to just move on. Time stops for none of us, and at this point I would rather be cautious than to rush through and end up with more heartache.

The lady from the lab in Boston called me about what needs to happen regarding my blood work for the Natural Killer Cells. I have two options. One I can call around my local labs and find out if anyone will be able to perform this test if I bring in the kit and materials. Or I can use the labs third party phlebotomist who will come out to my house or work and draw my blood for an additional $50. Who knew that there were mobile phlebotomists? This may be a better option for me since I'm assuming the mobile guy or girl would be more familiar with this test, but something about this process seems a little strange to me. I can't shake the image of a strange man showing up at my door, with a pale face saying, "I'm here for your blood!" The lady from the lab is sending me the kits and instructions so hopefully things will come more together when the package arrives. The blood work will cost us $820 unless I can get a referral from my primary doctor (family doctor) stating that I need these tests done. It seems odd to me that I have to go visit my family doctor for this, but if I can save over $800 I'm willing to give it a shot.

I recently had a friend from high school have a baby, and I'm going to visit her and the baby this weekend. Her pregnancy was unplanned, but for whatever reason I'm feeling alright with her having a baby. Even though she is one of my only friends that I thought would never become a mother. When she was married in her twenties she tried to start her family. She didn't have a problem getting pregnant, but she suffered five early losses. The marriage fell apart and she has been single all of her thirties. I broke my rule and went to her baby shower, I survived it without any tears. I've bought gifts for her son and I'm excited to meet him. I'm not sure what this means for me, a year ago I'm not sure I could have stomached all of this. Right now I feel good about seeing her baby, maybe because she has been my friend for so long, maybe because she is my age and this leaves me hopeful for myself, or maybe because I know life certainly has not been easy for her. I'm not sure. I do know that I'm really starting to think God has a strange sense of humor.

Friday Updates

It's funny in the Infertility World how quickly our moods can change. It really is a hell of a ride, and anyone who decides to travel this road, must decide to buckle up for the long haul. I have learned this road is not for the faint of heart. In my real life (not that this blog and you guys are not real)I have friends who struggle with infertility. Not many, but a few. I always feel like I should have words of wisdom for them since I have been in the trenches longer than most. I try to offer support, advice and have wiped more than one tear. But so many of these decisions come down to what is right for us. I truly believe that we need to know when it's time to move on and continue to pursue our BFP and when it's time to stop, and get off the track. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices. I was thinking that we were going to be done. That I could not handle another disappointment, but I keep reminded myself about those two frozen embryos, and I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe one of them could be our lucky break; especially if they could find something wrong with me. If only they good fix my broken body, and maybe they can.

Last week at my appointment with Dr D, I vented my frustrations to him; that I felt like I just kept spinning my wheels and I left disappointed. I left still without answers. Sure my thyroid is a little off and I have a low dose of MTHFR (Mother F*****) but he doesn't feel like this is enough to cause my problems of infertility and loss. It's really hard for me to get my head around that medical science still does not have an answer. Why is it so difficult for me and many others to get pregnant and stay pregnant? Why can't we get pregnant on our own, and why have we miscarried our two precious babies that resulted from IVF? Why am I still a mother without a child? How can I and many others be such a medical mystery?

This week, one of my favorite nurses from Dr. D's office called me with some information, and explaining they would like me to do more tests. Apparently, Dr D has another patient who has a similar history as mine and recently went to another doctor for a second opinion. The new doctor tested her for Natural Killer Cells and she ended up testing positive. This is what has caused her infertility and miscarriages. Has anyone tested positive for this or no anyone who has? From what I have read online it appears that this is when the immune system works to well and immediately kills off any pregnancy. The body recognizes a foreign object and rejects it. Could it be that this whole time my own body has been working against me?

I will be having the testing done soon. Unfortunately, it seems the closest lab to me that currently offers this testing is a few states away. But they should be calling me next week to let me know my options. Apparently, this is treatable with the proper medication. Is it really possible that they might figure out what is wrong with me? Is it possible that I may actually get to have a baby? I can't believe that I'm actually excited to know that something might be wrong with me.

Today I'm really proud of my doctor. It would have been easy for him to not follow up with another doctor or get involved with new research that he knows nothing about. He seems to be taking an innovative, and really seems concerned to help his patients reach their dreams of having a baby. Hold on tight, this journey isn't over yet! I'm officially getting back into the trenches!

Colds and Frustrations

Yesterday I had my meeting with Dr D. He was very kind and understood my frustration. He can still not provide me with all of the information that I need; I understand, but it just seems that with all the technology we have these days we would have so much more figured out. If you didn't read my last post, I recently found out I have MTHFR or Mother F*****!

Dr D stated that even though I did show up positive for hetro MTHFR, he didn't believe my levels were high enough to cause a miscarriage, especially since I did take a baby aspirin as a precaution during both my failed pregnancies. But, if we continue down this road he will increase my folic acid, have me take a baby aspirin, and put me on Lovenox.

Since I have been working with Dr D; he found my thyroid had a problem which I'm now on medication for. But my thyroid wasn't off that much, in some circles of doctors my thyroid levels would still be considered "normal" and this may not be why I miscarried either. Now I have MTHFR, but at my levels Dr D doesn't believe it would be enough to cause miscarriages. He thinks something else is going on with me, but simply doesn't know what it is. There are no more tests. He explained to me that in ten or fifteen years from now it probably will be very obvious what it is, for now there are no answers. Since I'm 38, I do not have 10-15 years to wait around.

On paper there are still no definite answers of why we have not been able to conceive on our own and on paper there are no answers why are two IVFs that resulted in pregnancy ended in failure. All I know for sure is that I've always wanted to be a mother, that I have been married six years to an amazing man that I can not seem to have a child with. Six years of no birth control, clomid, Gonal F, four rounds of IUIs, and two IVFs that resulted in two loses. All I know is that I still have nothing to show for all of this. Yes, I'm frustrated. The only good thing is that I will never have to worry about birth control! To top it off, I woke up this morning with a horrible cold, and had to go teach a class. What normally flows naturally for me seemed like a train wreck. I hope I'm feeling back on my game soon!

In the meantime, Dr D will be talking to another doctor he works with about my case. The other doctor has found some new research which could benefit me, but he's not sure yet. He didn't want to give me too much info in case I don't fit the profile. Sigh! If nothing comes from that should I get another opinion? Dr D is my third specialist and has been able to provide me with more answers than the first two, but I'm always left wanting more. It simply seems like the answers I want aren't there. Maybe they will never be.

Now I have to make some decisions, which I dread. I have two frozen embryos left, apparently number threes, no one or twos but threes. So maybe they are crappy embryos, but they are our embryos and I love them crappy or not. I'm sure it seems odd someone saying that they love their frozen embryos, but I do, and knowing that they have been waiting there has been giving me some hope. But to be reminded that the A's and B's are gone and only the C's remain was like pushing me down yesterday. But C students can do great things too right? Maybe these little number threes could work? Dr D believes I should do another round of IVF to try to get some 1s and 2s to mix in with the 3s. If this was free, or I had a money tre in my backyard I would be ready tomorrow. But I don't. I have a 25% chance with the 3's (if they both thaw properly) of course I have a much higher chance if we do a new cycle but that's a lot more money that we just don't have. I'm willing to go into debt (we already have) but the whole thing is becoming overwhelmingly frightened. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn. What to do? What to do? Wait and do a fresh cycle? Just transfer the two embryos I have? Get off this road and pursue adoption? Any good advice anyone has would be appreciated. I'm really just at a loss on what to do here. I want a guarantee and I realize there are no guarantees on this road I'm traveling! I'm hoping all of you are healthy and having a better week.

Super Bowl Sunday and Updates

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! Once again, I'm running behind on my updates. I cant believe it is already February, it seems like just yesterday we were bringing in the New Year. The new semester is in full swing and working at three places is really keeping me busy. I love teaching college, but I admit I know I can't keep things up at this pace forever. I have also been taking a three week online class that just ended today. The class was really a lot more involved than I anticipated, but now I can sign up to teach classes online which could potential save me a lot of time and gas money. It sounds funny when you think about it, take a class online to teach online, but I guess it makes sense.

Dr D has been out of town but we have an appointment set up for this Thursday. One of the nurses did call me with my test results and there is a problem. I have MTHFR, which for now I'm referring to as mother f*****. Seriously? After all of this! I have mixed feelings, part of me is relieved they found something wrong, maybe, just maybe this will prevent me from having another miscarriage. But part of me is just pissed off, I specifically asked to be checked for this before my last round of IVF. Apparently, I was checked for some blood clotting disorders, but not all of them. Why not? I just don't understand why we have to experience loss before medical science intervenes. Seriously, between infertility and losses I understand the lesson that life isn't fair, but sometimes it sure seems like it could be a whole lot easier. I'm hoping to use our two last embryo babies in March and I'm hoping to have more answers on Thursday on how to proceed.

It seems like there are a lot of pregnant people in my life right now. I have three friends from high school who are currently pregnant. Part of me is really excited about this, since we will all be turning 39 this year, maybe my time has not run out. Maybe 40 is the new 30! But I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any sadness. There are times when I wonder will I really get a chance to be a mother? So many of my blogger friends are also pregnant or have already delivered your babies safely into the world. I'm so happy for you all, and after all of your heartache, sacrifices, and tears I couldn't be happier for you. But again I wonder will it ever be my turn. But I'm going out on a limb, I'm willing to take another chance, and I'm hoping and praying that I will get my turn. Really what more can a girl do? The only nice thing about not being pregnant is that I will be able to have a few beers later as I hang out and watch the Super Bowl. Love and Baby Dust to you all and as always thanks for your love and support!

The New Year/New Appointments

This afternoon I finally went in for my appointment with Dr. D. When I met with him back in the end of November we agreed that I should have more tests run before I have my two frozen embryos put in me. In December, I had a crap load of blood taken to recheck for blood clotting diseases and also check for some rare ones that they didn't check before. They also ran tests on all of my chromosomes. I'm still waiting for all of the results. It's a good thing I'm use to playing the waiting game. At this point, I will be totally crushed if all this time I have had something that a simple blood test would have revealed. But at the same time, I would be relieved to find out why I have miscarried and maybe, just maybe, if something can be fixed, and I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I can successfully deliver our child into the world. I'm still hopeful. This afternoon, I was lucky enough to have an endometriosis biopsy performed on me. Yes, I'm starting the year out right. It hurt, but was over quickly. Hopefully, I will be giving a clean bill of health and they won't find anything unusually with my uterus. They won't have the results for a week or two and I'm going to try to stop thinking about it. I have been walking around for days wondering if I have a hostile uterus, maybe it really is a dark, scary place where life can not grow. For now, I'm going to drink a glass a wine, catch up on all your blogs and think positive thoughts about lovely soil!

Almost the New Year

I'm slowly catching up with all of you and getting ready for the New Year. It's been an emotional year, and I'm ready to put it to rest. Many of you have experienced terrible losses and disappointments this year; my heart aches for all of you. But many of you have experienced tremendous joys; your baby's have arrived safely into the world, or you are moving right along in a health pregnancy and soon will meet your little bundle of joy. As much as I'm truly excited for you, I would be lying if I didn't say that part of me feels left behind. I continue to remain a mother without a child and if I dwell on it long enough it makes me depressed and feel a little crazy. So I try not to dwell and most of the time it works. Like today, I feel incredibly hopeful. If it can happen for you then maybe it can happen for me. Strike that, I can happen to me. I'm determined not to be a quitter; one way or another I'm going to make my dreams come true. This year has been rocky; I lost a baby early in my pregnancy this year, but I know I can get pregnant and I have two little frozen embryos waiting for me. I almost lost my BFF when her heart gave out on her, but she was able to receive a beautiful gift of a heart. She is doing extremely well after her heart transplant and should have many more quality years on this Earth. She was given the gift of life and will be able to raise her son. I started a new job that I love and have been able to pay off some of our debt. I have an amazing husband and family that I adore. I have incredible friends who remain supportive and you guys who read my blog and send me encouragement and love. Thank you so much for being there and convincing me not to throw in the towel. Things are not perfect, but I know they could be a lot worse. I'm going into 2012 knowing that miracles do happen and believing with all my heart that this will be my year for a miracle. If nothing else, I will know I gave it all I have, there will be no regrets. I hope all of you receive your miracle next year and your wildest dreams come true. Yes, I'm ready to put 2011 to bed. Happy New Year's!