Good Old Aunt Flow

Well good old Aunt Flow came this week and I'm feeling exceptional grumpy today. I'm pretty realistic at this point that we will not be getting pregnant like everyone else the "old-fashioned" way, but every month I still have that little glimmer of hope and than she comes good old Aunt Flow, right on time, just like clockwork. I also found out on Friday that our "new" specialist does not accept our insurance which is extremely disappointing. I suppose when I look at the big picture it will be alright since our insurance doesn't cover IVF and that seems to be our best option at this point. But I will have to pay $230 for my consultation next month and any other tests he feels will be necessary. The new specialist I will be seeing charges $3000 less than what we paid last time for IVF and his success rate is 51% which is awesome compared to the average. My DH (C) and I have agreed that this will be the last round of IVF we will do. I'm hoping for more quality eggs this time. My first IVF attempt only resulted in six eggs; only four developed into "healthy embryos"; only one survived and we were so excited that we were finally going to have our baby, but eight weeks later we miscarried. Now I wish we would have held out for a cycle with more eggs, but who knows what would have happened. Right now I'm just feeling anxious, all of these "what ifs" are running through my head. Plus I can't stop thinking about that I was pregnant at this time last year. I know I really just need to relax but today this agitated feeling won't go away. Poor C. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with today!

Just My Luck

So I made a decision to see the new doctor and am working on getting the referral from my primary doctor and having my old records transferred when I received an official letter that I may have jury duty. Of course, just my luck. The day of my appointment (Monday) I have to call the court house that weekend to see if my number is called and if my number is up I have to report. Could they be more vague? Although, I do appreciate the advanced notice it just puts me in a bad spot, do I reschedule my appointment now assuming I will be called? Or do I plan on going to the doctor hoping that my number isn't called? But, if it is called that I have to cancel on a very short notice, which seems so rude. Maybe this is just a sign that I should wait a little longer. But I'm starting to feel like my time is running out. So many of may friends that started trying to get pregnant the same time I did have one or even two children now. I'm trying to stay optimistic though.

Making Decisions

I have spent the last week looking at our options and trying to make some solid decisions; should we keep pursuing fertility treatments and try IVF again or move forward with adoption? We have decided to see a new specialist and try our luck again at IVF. I have to admit I'm nervous, I'm afraid of having the same results. The miscarriage last year was detrimental for me. But, I know in my heart we have to try again. I don't want to have any regrets later. I'm looking past the "what ifs" that could go wrong, the debt this is costing us, and reflecting on the end result of having a beautiful baby with C. I really want to be a mother, sometimes I wish I didn't, it would make my life so much easier. I'm scared because I know this will be our last shot for IVF, the last year we try, and I'm praying and hoping that we will be successful. I know so many of us want this, it's truly unbelievable how many of us struggle with starting a family. It really doesn't seem fair, but I know life often isn't fair. Now I need focus on getting get everything together: my records transferred from my "old" specialist to the "new" specialist, and a list of questions for the "new" specialist. I'm currently reading Getting Pregnant: What You Need To Know Right Now by Neils Lauersen and I'm wondering if there isn't a problem that has been missed. Is something wrong with my thyroid or could I have PCOD? I know I have had cysts on my ovaries in the past. Maybe I'm just looking for something to be wrong, something more explainable than "unexplained infertility." Can anyone recommend some good books on infertility?