Thursday, June 28, 2012

Nothing has Changed

Well I had the second blood test done today, like the nurse recommended and nothing has changed. I'm still at a one, actually .5. So I'm  definately not pregnant, although I really already knew that. But some strange part of me was still hoping for a miracle, as weird as that sounds. In the near future I need to move on to Plan B, whatever Plan B ends up being. I looked at adoption and foster care before but honestly I became so overwhelmed with all of the reserach out there. Should we try foster care? Should we try to adopt in our state? In a different state? Internationally? Truthfully, I dont know where to start. Does anyone know a good place to start?

I want to start researching. I want to have goals. But I also know I need a little time to heal before I take another plunge. Truthfully, I would not be up for another disappointment right now. I'm going to try to enjoy the summer, focus on my job, and my amazing family and friends. Thanks again for all of your love and support. I will be catching up with all of your blogs shortly!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

One can be an ugly number

First of all thank-you for the love and support. I wish I had better news to report. I wish my journey was taking a different direction. I really thought since my last two embies made it through the thaw; that they would be my fighters the ones that would make it. That they would grow, and I would have a birth story to share. I thought, or hoped that next March I would be a mother. My Beta came in today at 1. Yes, one as in uno, definitely negative the nurse explained. She said to stop all of my meds, have another blood test done on Thursday for protocol, and make a WTH went wrong appointment with Dr. D.

I wasn't ready yet to throw in the towel. I knew my number would be low since I received a negative on both home pregnancy tests, but I was hoping it would be even  maybe a five.  I would take a five. I'm not sure if I will do the second pregnancy test on Thursday, or make the WTF went wrong appointment with Dr. D. I'm not sure it matters what went wrong since I know we will be not trying again. It makes me sad to think I will never experience pregnancy, but I also know it's time to stop treatment. IF has stolen lots of time and money from me, and I know longer feel like being on this roller coaster. I believe for me it's time to stop. Maybe I will change my mind, since the future is always uncertain. I do know I could love any child and in the future we will need to make some tough choices about adoption and foster care. Again, I know with that  road there are also no certainties. The one thing I truly have learned is that in life there are no certainties; we truly can take nothing for granted. I'm not ready to throw in the towel of becoming a mother. But I can't help thinking maybe we are meant to be child-free. I love my husband, family, friends and work, maybe I should just be content and grateful with what I have. But damn it I really want to be a mother! For now, I have to get through teaching my summer classes and I will be planning a well deserved vacation in August! Thanks again for all of your support!

Monday, June 25, 2012


This morning I'm feeling so disappointed. The second pregnancy test still came up negative with the words clearly Not Pregnant. I'm feeling less optimistic at this point since my actual BETA is tomorrow, but I'm still not ready to throw in the towel. Maybe my BETA numbers are just to low to show up on the home test. Maybe I will stay in denial for one more day. I want to believe the test is wrong, but it seems unlikely at this point. I felt like it was a miracle for our last two guys to even make it through the thaw. This will more than likely be our last attempt, and I really believed that one of these little guys would make it. I'm going to get out of this funk, head to work, and pray for better results tomorrow. I hope all of you are having a better Monday morning!

Saturday, June 23, 2012


I hate the uncertainty of this journey. I hate the wait. I hate not knowing if I will end up being a mother. I broke down and took a pregnancy test and the words clearly read NOT Pregnant. My official pregnancy test is not until Tuesday, so I'm hoping it is just to early. I wish I wouldn't have tested. Now I'm left with more uncertainty is it to early, or is this not the cycle for me. What do you girls think, to early or should it be accurate at this point?

Monday, June 18, 2012

They Made IT!

Thanks everyone for all of the positive thoughts and prayers! Both of our frozen embryos made it to the transfer, and hopefully if we are real lucky they will hang around for nine months to become our miracle babies. Dr D said one was really good, and the other was OK. I didn't ask for the grades this time; I just wanted to get them in me. I love them already! The transfer went smoothly and I rested away all weekend. I felt a little bad about missing Father's Day, but my dad understands this craziness we have been going through to have a baby and he is a pretty understanding, no pressure guy, at least now, I can't say that was always the case when I was growing up. My parents are now in their seventies and I know they would love to be grandparents, so hopefully this time will be the charm. I have a good feeling, but I don't want to get overexcited just to get knocked down. I know from experience a lot of things have to go right to take a baby home. I really hope this is our time! I took an extra day off work today, just so I know I did everything in my power to make this work. I always worry if I'm doing too much, or to little. But, I'm going to try not to worry and just try to be extremely careful. Today I'm happy. Even with a bruised ass from all the shots I'm happy. I could be on my way to finally becoming a mother!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Feeling Hopeful

I can't believe tomorrow is the day! We have to be at the clinic by 8:30 tomorrow, and it's a two hour drive for us, so it will be an early morning! I'm feeling hopeful. I'm staying positive! I'm praying for a miracle and that my little guys are thawing out correctly as I write this. The clinic hasn't called, and I'm taking the approach that no news is good news! I will be staying off the Internet this weekend, but I will catch up with you all next week. I will take any prayers and positive thoughts you can spare! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Shots and More Shots

I'm moving right along in this cycle. I started my progesterone shots last night. and wow does my butt hurt today. I'm only receiving 1 ml which doesn't seem like enough, it seems like last time I received 2 ml. I could be wrong, but I left a message for the nurse to call me just in case. Is there a normal amount of progesterone that is giving during FET? I'm started to get more nervous and excited for Friday, now that I realize it's just a few days away. I'm going to stay hopeful, eat pineapple, rest and try to laugh a lot. Any funny books or movies I should check out while I'm on bed rest? Thanks for all of your support!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Still Moving ON

I don't have a lot to report right now. Lately it just seems that time keeps passing by and I'm not getting any closer to my goals. My ultrasound on Friday went great, and I was informed that my lining looked perfect! I never knew I would be the girl talking about her uterus and perfect lining, Yes, life if funny. If everything goes well our two remaining frozen guys will be with me on Friday. I'm praying for a miracle. I've learned that hope is not a strategy but sometimes its all we've got! Anyways, this is suppose to be a luckier year, right? I hope all of you are having some luck and making your dreams come true!