Goodbye May-Hello June

I can't believe it is already the end of May, and tomorrow will be June. If all goes well my little frozen embryos will be placed in me on June 15th. I'm really hoping for a miracle here. We will be married for seven years in August and I naively believed I would be done having children by now. I believed by 38 (almost 39) I would already have two or three children. I was wrong! I have accepted that life is hard, and things often don't go as we plan. I have accepted that I may never have all the answers to my questions, at least in this lifetime, and wondering and pondering too long on unanswered questions will only make me crazy. I thought I was in a great place, until I drank way too much over the weekend. We went out of town and stayed with some of C.'s cousins who I adore and we all drank way too much. One of his cousins passed out; I wish I had. I became the drunk girl, who became irritated with other drunk people, and cried. Yes, I cried in front of strangers. UGH. I realize that I don't want to be that girl. I'm blaming it on the drugs making me out of whack. But who does that? Really? Who goes to someone's party out of town, gets drunk, mad and cries? This girl did, and I'm trying to move past it. In sixteen days my little guys will be placed inside me. This weekend I'm going to get our house in order; I suddenly feel that I need to be organized. I'm going to limit my alcohol and most likely just stay away all together, avoid caffeine and try to be as healthy as possible. Hopefully, my party days are over and in a few short weeks I will be on my way to being someones mother. I would give up all the parties in the world for that dream to come true. I know in my heart that this will be our last try to have a baby together, but thinking about that makes me feel too much pressure. Any tips to a successful FET? Number Three is the charm right. Isn't that how the saying goes?

It has begun......

So this cycle has begun; I started my Lupron shots on Wednesday, and so far no side effects. I actually am feeling pretty good. The weather here is warm, and my schedule is beginning to slow down a little, and for that I'm thankful. C's dad got married last weekend, and the whole event was rather stressful. His new wife is not someone that I would have choose for him, but I've learned to accept we can not choose who are loved ones fall in love with. At least it was a good distraction from Mother's Day, last Mother's day I had just found out I was pregnant and than we shortly miscarried. As I start this cycle I don't feel scared, nervous, or excited. I feel a little numb honestly. I feel hopeful, even though I know the odds are not in our favor. I feel like this probably will be the last time we roll the dice. I hope I get my miracle, but since I've been to this rodeo before, I know the outcome is out of my control. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! I can't believe how long I've been away from my blog, so long it now even has a new look; which I'm not sure I love! Yesterday, was my last day of working three jobs for awhile, and I'm thankful. I will still be working two jobs over the summer (I wish it could be only one) but as you all know this journey is expensive. I'm looking forward to only working 35-40 hours a week. Of course I have an amazing list of things to do that should occupy most of my time. I wish we could hit the lotto so I could take the summer off. We are going to try to get pregnant again in June! Yes, June! I'm freaking out now, although I know so many things have to fall exactly in place for this to even work. Our frozen embryos might not make it to transfer, and even if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant, with my history there are no guarantees that I will carry to full term. But I'm taking a deep breath, and praying that our last two frozen babies will be our chance at parenthood. I'm so ready to leave the land of If..... Our test results came back negative for everything, except we have found out that I have MTHFR (Mother F*****) so our doctor is hopeful that with that being taken care of things will work out. He would prefer us to do a "fresh" round of IVF. But since we just had to take out a loan for a new roof, that is not in the cards for us. I start Lupron May 16th!I'm going to do some research on grants for IVF and look seriously into adoption now that I have more time. Honestly, if this round does not work for us I'm not sure we will pursue fertility treatments anymore, but I've said this before! Damn, I wish I didn't want to be a mother. Why do I feel so deeply in my soul that I'm meant to be a mother, when I can't get pregnant? I will take all the positive thoughts and prayers you can spare for our frozen guys, who I pray more than anything make it into this world. I'm going to catch up on all of your blogs this weekend and have a drink later for Cinco de Mayo! I hope things are going well for all of you. I have missed you guys!

Friday the Thirteenth

Happy Friday, the thirteenth everyone! I can't believe I have been away from my blog for so long. Life has been crazy,working three jobs, and trying to navigate friendships, family and this world of IF is certainly keeping me busy. I miss writing, I miss just watching a movie, I miss lazy days of having nothing to do. But I love teaching, and I realize I have to work like crazy if we want to start a family. I wish money wasn't always an issue. I guess I better start playing the lotto.

I just got home from having dinner with some girlfriends, and it was lovely. Honestly, I didn't want to go out. But since C. (my DH) left for a fishing trip, and I was dealing with a lot of peer pressure I caved in and went out. It was great to catch up with some good friends who have been a part of my crazy journey for as long as I can remember. I truly love these girls! I know I've been neglecting a lot of my relationships lately, but the truth is I feel guilty when I go out. Teaching and working three places has taking a lot out of me. There is always a paper to grade, a lesson to plan, and grades to calculate. I love it, but it is definitely a learning curve, and I'm looking forward to the beginning of May to get a little break. Although it looks like I may now be teaching a few summer classes, but I definitely will not be as busy as I am now. I feel that I'm drifting away from a lot of people, especially my BFF who is like my sister. She has had a lot of health issues and I've tried to support her as much as possible. I also adore her son who is six; we really do have a special bond. I truly love them. Her health has finally approved and she has been getting out doing more. I feel guilty that I've been working so much and haven't had a ton of time for them. Two weeks ago she told me that she had done some research to find my ex husband and had called him. She had to leave a message and she was hoping that she would get to hang out with him. I was stunned. In fairness, they had a mutual friend who passed away recently, and she wanted to talk to him about that, but she has not seen my ex husband in ten years. We have been divorced for ten years. I have been married to my current husband for almost seven. She wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with them? Seriously? My ex husband is an alcoholic. From what she has learned he is still drinking, and he has lost his drivers license again. I'm not surprised. At one time I loved him with all of my heart, I wish him well, but I don't want that life again. I don't want to hang out with him. I cant understand why my BF wants to hang out with him either. This just seems so unhealthy and frankly weird. I normally talk to her several times a week, but we have only texted a few times in the last several weeks. I miss her, but I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to let the friendship go, but I don't want to live in the past. If I'm being truly honest, I feel betrayed. Why would she choose this? Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I often wonder why life has to be so complicated?

I have also been fighting with my insurance company all week for my referral to have my blood drawn. The medical biller (and the girl who writes the referral's)at my primary doctor's office has turned out to be, excuse my language, but a b****. She refuse to work with my fertility specialist and even hung up on them. Very professional, right? My referral is now "pending" and my insurance company has until Thursday to decide if they will pay for the tests for me. Seriously, I'm starting to think that insurance companies make things so difficult for you that you finally just give up. Either way I have the appointment for our blood to be drawn on Thursday. I'm so tired of waiting, and we really can't move on until we get the results from these tests. If I have to pay; I will appeal. Oh, and we need a new roof, that is going to cost a million dollars. So that's how my luck is going. I'm just hoping that all my luck is being stored and saved for my frozen babies. I really hope I get my miracle this year; I'm getting tired. In the meantime, I'm giving myself the rest of the evening off, drinking a Summer Shandy, catching up on all of your blogs, and maybe even watching a good movie!

Moving on and keeping strong

This week I finally had my appointment with my family doctor to receive my referral to have my blood work completed to find out if I have "natural killer cells" The appointment did not got as I expected, but in the end my doctor said she would make sure my referral was written, and would support whatever decision I made. The truth is I would have the tests done without the referral. I think it's important at this point in the game. But if I can save over $800 with the referral, I'm happy to jump through the hoops, as you guys know IF is not cheap! My family doctor thinks I should take a step back from trying to become pregnant again and focus on adoption. I'm open to adoption. I would love to adopt and it's been on my mind a lot lately. But as all of you know it's not an easy process. It's not like I can run over to the local Target and pick up a baby, and I still have those two frozen embryos that I would love to become a little baby that I carry home from the hospital someday. My family doctor thinks my body has been through a lot and the fact that I'm turning 39 in November doesn't help my odds. OH MY God am I really going to be 39? Where has the time gone? She made some valid points and I believe that there is a time that we all have to throw in the towel. But I also believe that it's not my time. I do believe it's time to get more involved in the adoption process though, to start finding out more information and looking at organizations that we would be a good fit for. I started researching before but became overwhelmed with all of the information available. As much as I love teaching college I'm looking forward to the end of April when the semester ends. This will give me more time to research and also prepare my body for our last two embryos. Today I believe that if I really want to be a mother I can make it happen. I just hope it's sooner rather than later!

Short Spring Break

First of all thank you so much for all of the positive comments on my post last week. I was feeling pretty down, and like always, you guys made me feel better. I'm feeling much better this week, motivated, and ready to take on the world! This is officially my spring break at the school I teach at the most, but since I actually work at three places this is my first day off! I have really been looking forward to having four days off from working, but I'm quickly realizing I have a lot to do! As much as I love teaching, I think I will be in a better place once the end of April arrives. I realize that I have taken on to much, which leads me to becoming easily frustrated. The fact is that there is simply not enough time for me to get everything I want done. But as they say there is no rest for the wicked, and in my world having a baby has become very expensive which means I need to work, a lot! During summer, I will only be teaching one class and working 20-24 hours at my part-time job. This will seem like a vacation compared to what I'm doing now! We will be poor, but happy. I'm planning on using our frozen embies in May, as long as everything goes as planned. Hopefully there will be no additional expenses. I'm feeling optimistic that things are going to go well. Three is a lucky number right? So maybe, just maybe, on our third attempt things will work out right. This has been a long road. Like many of you, I have friends that have several children who started "trying" the same time we did. Sometimes this gets me down and leaves me questioning if I'm really meant to be a mother. But, I know in my heart that I am meant to be a mother. I'm keeping the faith and believing with all of my heart that I will end up where I'm suppose to be. I will end up being a mother. I hate that any of us have to go on this difficult journey, but I'm thankful for your support and I'm feeling blessed that all of you have been along for my ride. This morning I'm planning on catching up on all of your blogs and than moving on to the dreaded taxes. An exciting vacation right?

The Blues

This weekend I wish I had more energy. I made a list of 25 things that I wanted to get accomplished, and I hate to admit it but only two items have been crossed off; which means I really need to get my act together today. I know the problem is me; honestly I don't feel like doing anything. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head Friday afternoon with a ferocity I haven't felt in awhile. I managed to go to an early dinner with a few close girlfriends on Friday night, and haven't been back out in the world since. Truthfully,I didn't want to go, but in the end I'm glad I did. They always make me laugh and make me feel better. However, I now have no desire to leave the house, or even return friends phone calls. I'm crabby and have no energy to give. I truly may have the blues! The pain yesterday was horrible, making it a day filled with Tylenol, resting, and I admit a few glasses of wine. My poor liver. This morning I'm feeling better, just lazy, unmotivated, tired, and I'm starting to have self-doubt; questioning if it isn't time to get out of the baby making ring. Days like yesterday make me wonder how much fight I still have left in me.

In other news, I went to see my high school girlfriend's baby last weekend, and he is adorable. He slept the whole time I was there, which was alright: I didn't have a strong desire to hold him. I don't think it would have upset me; I think I'm just nervous around newbies. I left there feeling excited, even though my friend S. hadn't planned on being a mother, I could tell she was going to be a good one, and that left me feeling content and leaving my heart in a warm place. Now if only I can get my heart back to that warm place today.