Saturday, March 31, 2012

Moving on and keeping strong

This week I finally had my appointment with my family doctor to receive my referral to have my blood work completed to find out if I have "natural killer cells" The appointment did not got as I expected, but in the end my doctor said she would make sure my referral was written, and would support whatever decision I made. The truth is I would have the tests done without the referral. I think it's important at this point in the game. But if I can save over $800 with the referral, I'm happy to jump through the hoops, as you guys know IF is not cheap! My family doctor thinks I should take a step back from trying to become pregnant again and focus on adoption. I'm open to adoption. I would love to adopt and it's been on my mind a lot lately. But as all of you know it's not an easy process. It's not like I can run over to the local Target and pick up a baby, and I still have those two frozen embryos that I would love to become a little baby that I carry home from the hospital someday. My family doctor thinks my body has been through a lot and the fact that I'm turning 39 in November doesn't help my odds. OH MY God am I really going to be 39? Where has the time gone? She made some valid points and I believe that there is a time that we all have to throw in the towel. But I also believe that it's not my time. I do believe it's time to get more involved in the adoption process though, to start finding out more information and looking at organizations that we would be a good fit for. I started researching before but became overwhelmed with all of the information available. As much as I love teaching college I'm looking forward to the end of April when the semester ends. This will give me more time to research and also prepare my body for our last two embryos. Today I believe that if I really want to be a mother I can make it happen. I just hope it's sooner rather than later!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Short Spring Break

First of all thank you so much for all of the positive comments on my post last week. I was feeling pretty down, and like always, you guys made me feel better. I'm feeling much better this week, motivated, and ready to take on the world! This is officially my spring break at the school I teach at the most, but since I actually work at three places this is my first day off! I have really been looking forward to having four days off from working, but I'm quickly realizing I have a lot to do! As much as I love teaching, I think I will be in a better place once the end of April arrives. I realize that I have taken on to much, which leads me to becoming easily frustrated. The fact is that there is simply not enough time for me to get everything I want done. But as they say there is no rest for the wicked, and in my world having a baby has become very expensive which means I need to work, a lot! During summer, I will only be teaching one class and working 20-24 hours at my part-time job. This will seem like a vacation compared to what I'm doing now! We will be poor, but happy. I'm planning on using our frozen embies in May, as long as everything goes as planned. Hopefully there will be no additional expenses. I'm feeling optimistic that things are going to go well. Three is a lucky number right? So maybe, just maybe, on our third attempt things will work out right. This has been a long road. Like many of you, I have friends that have several children who started "trying" the same time we did. Sometimes this gets me down and leaves me questioning if I'm really meant to be a mother. But, I know in my heart that I am meant to be a mother. I'm keeping the faith and believing with all of my heart that I will end up where I'm suppose to be. I will end up being a mother. I hate that any of us have to go on this difficult journey, but I'm thankful for your support and I'm feeling blessed that all of you have been along for my ride. This morning I'm planning on catching up on all of your blogs and than moving on to the dreaded taxes. An exciting vacation right?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Blues

This weekend I wish I had more energy. I made a list of 25 things that I wanted to get accomplished, and I hate to admit it but only two items have been crossed off; which means I really need to get my act together today. I know the problem is me; honestly I don't feel like doing anything. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head Friday afternoon with a ferocity I haven't felt in awhile. I managed to go to an early dinner with a few close girlfriends on Friday night, and haven't been back out in the world since. Truthfully,I didn't want to go, but in the end I'm glad I did. They always make me laugh and make me feel better. However, I now have no desire to leave the house, or even return friends phone calls. I'm crabby and have no energy to give. I truly may have the blues! The pain yesterday was horrible, making it a day filled with Tylenol, resting, and I admit a few glasses of wine. My poor liver. This morning I'm feeling better, just lazy, unmotivated, tired, and I'm starting to have self-doubt; questioning if it isn't time to get out of the baby making ring. Days like yesterday make me wonder how much fight I still have left in me.

In other news, I went to see my high school girlfriend's baby last weekend, and he is adorable. He slept the whole time I was there, which was alright: I didn't have a strong desire to hold him. I don't think it would have upset me; I think I'm just nervous around newbies. I left there feeling excited, even though my friend S. hadn't planned on being a mother, I could tell she was going to be a good one, and that left me feeling content and leaving my heart in a warm place. Now if only I can get my heart back to that warm place today.