Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Well yesterday I went in for my BETA and it had already dropped to 7. The nurse told me that anything over 5 they consider pregnant but by Friday when I have my next blood test it should be 0. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with this for months. But it makes me sad that I know longer feel pregnant. I am no longer pregnant. I'm hoping everything with my liver looks OK on Friday too. When you read about the side effects one could have from the Methotrexate shot it really is frightening. I wish I wouldn't have needed the shot it seemed that I was already miscarrying on my own but Dr D was worried about my tube bursting and the shot beats surgery. This whole experience has been such a disappointment and I'm just not sure what is next for us on this journey. We cannot try to get pregnant again until August which is frustrating. We still have two frozen embryos ready for us to use but Dr. D had commented that they aren't as good as quality as the little guys that were placed into me this time. I still cant believe my little guys are gone. I'm not sure I will be up for another round of IVF again. It seems at this point it's becoming emotionally and financially draining. I can't imagine going through this all over again and having the same results. I'm starting to look more and more towards adoption, all the information out there is overwelming. There are so many different adoption agencies how can anyone make a decision? Also, it seems that it costs between $20-30K to adopt. Not that you can put a price on having a family but honestly we don't have that kind of money right now. We have already spent so much on fertility treatments. It seems like it would take years for us to raise those kinds of funds. Adoption through foster care is another possibility, but I haven't done enough research to make a decision yet. Any thoughts on adoption or foster care?
Friday, May 20, 2011
First of all thank you so much for the supportive comments this week. I really appreciate all of you and am thankful that I can vent on this blog. Thursday afternoon I met with Dr. D who did an ultrasound and verified his suspicions that I had in fact an ectopic pregnancy. There is absolutely nothing in my uterus, no sac, no evidence that a sac ever existed. I felt like I was prepared for this but I wasn't. Hearing that my uterus was bare put me into tears for most of the evening last night. I had to come face to face with the fact that this time there would be no baby. I was a little irritated with Dr. D yesterday; I had a bunch of questions for him and he didn't want to answer them all at this time. He was very polite but stated "I want to get you out of the danger zone first. I will answer all of your questions later!" I appreciate that he wants me to be safe but I felt a little dismissed. And to make matters worse the appointment cost me $260. Seriously? After all the money we have already paid? This morning my blood levels finally rose to 211, this has been my highest level so far. Ironic that for weeks I have been praying that my levels go up, now when they need to go down they are finally rising. And I also started the period from hell this morning with the worse cramps I have ever had. I really thought I would die earlier. The nurse assured me this is normal and I was instructed to make the two hour trip to have the methotrexate shot administered. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to have the shot but it seems a better option than surgery or having my tube burst open. I don't understand why this has happened to me. I'm starting to question what is next in this journey for us. I'm starting to wonder if I really will ever become a mother. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I'm going to try to heal quickly. I thought I would have more peace, love and laughter this year. But it's hard to laugh when your heart is breaking. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. I'm hoping the rest of you are having better luck with your journeys.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Well my blood results from this morning have came back and things are not looking good. I have gone from 85 on Friday to 81 today. So again,I'm dropping, just a little, but the doctor doesn't think I can catch up at this point. I am five weeks pregnant today, and instead of feeling the joy, I'm back to a dark place where I have been before. Although I feel calmer this time, maybe because after your first miscarriage you realize everything that can go wrong so quickly. Technically,I'm still pregnant but they definitely believe this baby will not be around to stay. There is no growth. There will be no birth, no birthday parties, no baby. We have now had two IVFs with two BFPs with nothing to show for it. Yes, this definitely sucks. I really cant get any definite answers right now. They think my numbers will drop again by my next blood test on Thursday,but they are also still concerned that this may be an ectopic pregnancy so they want to watch it closely. I'm just not sure where do I go from here? Maybe I will get more answers when I meet with the doctor on Thursday. I feel like the universe is just pissed off at me. Why do I keep losing babies? For those of you who are reading this and are pregnant I truly am happy for you and wish you the best of luck in your pregnancies but I cant help but be angry that this is happening to me. There is truly nothing worse than being told that you are going to miscarry and there is nothing you can do. I really thought this was going to be the one for us. I'm starting to think that being parents just may not be in the cards for us. I'm sure I will feel better, but right now I just feel heartbroken.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thank you everyone for the supportive comments you posted on my blog this week. Thanks to Blogger's meltdown my comments have disappeared. I feel like I may be having a meltdown of my own. Here's a quick update, my first beta on Monday was 96. Hooray I'm pregnant! On Wednesday though my numbers had gone down to 61. Which we all know is never a good sign. My doctor thought maybe I was losing a twin, which made me incredibly sad, but he was still a little bit hopeful that I may get a baby out of this. I would be lying if I said I stayed calm at all times, didn't cry and have a meltdown. I prayed that my numbers would double for Friday and be up to at least 120. But they just didn't make it. My Friday numbers went up but only to 85. At this point my doctor thinks this is an ectopic pregnancy. I go Monday to have more blood taken but honestly the odds are not in my favor here. Rise numbers rise. I've read on the Internet that ectopic pregnancies are not uncommon in IVF pregnancies, but this seems so bizarre since your doctor actually places your embryos in the correct place. I'm not looking forward to losing this baby and my fallopian tube if this is the case. I would gladly give up my fallopian tube to have a healthy baby. But it just doesn't seem fair to lose both. Sometimes I feel like the universe is pissed off at me. If this doesn't work this will be our second IVF and the second baby we have lost after IVF. After both IVF's I have felt so thankful that it has worked for me and I was able to get a BFP. But what's the point if I never end up with a baby to hold? But I'm still in the game, right? For now all I can do is hold out that I will be in that 5-10% and everything will work out for me. The last few days have been longer than the whole 2ww put together. I realize, I really do need a miracle here!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Well today was a total disappointment. I'm trying to stay calm, not cry and remain optimistic. But that's so hard to do when you feel like your heart is breaking. The nurse called me today to tell me that my beta had dropped to 67. I thought I was going to have a heart attack especially since it was 960 on Monday. The nurse said no, it wasn't 960, it was 96. Which surprised me since I repeated the number 960 to the nurse I talked to three times on Monday. I was shocked it was so high. So apparently now I'm miscarrying our baby or maybe losing a twin. Either way it seems like I'm losing a baby so to say I'm just disappointed would be an understatement. Praying that I will still get a baby out of this but I'm not sure what the chance are once your numbers start dropping. Why is this so difficult?
Monday, May 9, 2011
My first beta today was 960. The nurse said this was really good and I will test again on Wednesday. I'm thrilled to have been told something was really good. After our first IVF, I was pregnant for seven weeks. There always seemed to be something wrong. The first beta's numbers were low, they doubled slowly, the first heartbeat the found seemed slow. But I didn't care they had found the heartbeat and I believed I was finally going to be a mother. Than a week later there was no heartbeat. I have never been a deeply religious person but I'm praying this time is different. I'm praying I will finally get to be a mother. Strangely I feel less worried than last time, so far anyways. Maybe it's because I'm venting my feelings or maybe it's because I've realized that some things are out of our control. C. and I will be married for six years in August. Back then I planned on being pregnant within the first year or two. We have many friends and family members who started after us and have two or three children already. I hope this baby or babies stick around. For now I'm just relieved that something actually looks good! 4 weeks down and 36 to go! But whose counting right?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The weekend has went by quicker than I anticipated, thank goodness. Yesterday afternoon I felt like AF was going to come. My boobs hurt, I was tired and I felt a little bit of cramping; when I went to the bathroom in the afternoon I was spotting. Just a little and not to gross anyone totally out but it was brown, which is unusually for me. I felt my heart sink but than told myself I would not freak out. I decided to cancel all plans and take it easy for the rest of the day. I laid down to read a book and was asleep within five minutes. Like I said I was really tired. This morning I woke up at 6:30 to of course use the bathroom and I decided to test. I know I said I wasn't going to do it. But I had to. I already had the test from another cycle and I just needed to know. I just had to do it. When the words POSITIVE appeared, I couldn't believe it. For right now at this minute I'm pregnant, according to the test and I couldn't be happier. Now I know the test could be wrong but right now I'm going with these results until proven otherwise. Of course I will feel better tomorrow after the results of my blood test but at least I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I woke C up at 6:30 this morning to tell him because I was so excited and of course I couldn't go back to sleep. This afternoon we drove three hours (round trip) to take my mom to brunch. I received some bad news that one of my good friend's mom from work died Saturday evening. We lost C's mom a few years back to lung cancer and anytime I hear that someone lost their parent now it makes me incredibly sad. It's awful to lose a parent. To those of you that recently found out your expecting or mother's already happy Mother's Day. To those of you that are waiting I hope you have your good news soon. I'm feeling so lucky right now. I'm not sure how I would of made it through the day if my test would have been BFN. I'm praying that the test was right. I'm so excited and want to tell the world I'm pregnant but I'm so scared to share my news and just have this be another disappointment. Right now I'm just going to try to enjoy the moment.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
In five days I will go in for my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant. We will officialy find out if any of our three little embies, that I already love, decided to stay around for awhile, hopefully for nine months. Last week went very quickly for me; after my little embies were placed into me on Wednesday I rested the rest of the week. Slept a lot, read some novels, watched some movies. I told myself the most important job in the world right now was to carry these little babies. I tried to imagine them sticking, and growing. I'm not sure if it helped but I hope it did. Monday I returned to work, but I'm so easily distracted. I can't imagine why? My boobs hurt as well as my butt (from the progesterone shots I'm assuming), I'm tired and hungry, but I'm sure it's to early for symptoms. Sigh. I can't believe how much I want to be a mother and how much I want these little babies to make it. I'm really torn about testing early. I thought I would take a home pregnancy test this weekend but I'm not sure if it's a good idea with Sunday being Mother's Day. I have already agreed to go to brunch with my mom and family for Mother's day. I love my mom and really want her to have a good day. If the test is negative it will be extremely difficult for me to put on a happy face and enjoy the day with her. My mom also suffered with IF so she has been extremely supportive about my journey. I know she has been praying for a miracle for us and wouldn't like anything more then to be a grandmother. C. thinks I should just wait until Monday, go have the blood test and we will know for sure. But the wait is killing me. Do most of you test at home early?