Monday, July 25, 2011

MIA

I'm so sorry that I have been MIA for most of July. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I think I tried to get back into the real world to fast after my miscarriage in May and it ended up making me feel isolated and depressed. C and I have also been on edge with each other lately. I have been angry at the world and he can't seem to realize why I just can't move on. Sometimes I feel very stuck and indecisive about my journey. Sometimes I want to jump off this infertility roller coaster. I tell myself that many people live child free and are happy. Right? And other times I feel like I need to fight harder for my opportunity to be a mother. These are the days that I wished that I had a crystal ball. Our finances have been better, our marriage has been tested and a piece of my heart is broken. But it's time for me to make some decisions about what is next for us on this journey. I'm telling myself over and over again that someday I will be a mother. I'm holding on to my hope and faith because at times really what else do we have? C and I were able to get away for a few days last week and I think that has helped with my healing process. Sometimes one just has to get away and having a week off work especially helped. I really struggled to go back to work today and I realized I know longer love my job. I love the people I work with just not the job itself anymore. I somehow also developed a stye in my eye which has now become swollen. Yes. I love walking around with a swollen eyelid. The eye doctor put me on antibiotics and I'm hoping it goes away soon or he says I may need eye surgery. Really only I would have to have surgery because of a stye. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening catching up on every ones blogs. I really have missed you all and I appreciate the love and support you always have to offer.

6 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that you are struggling. Not knowing what our future holds is the hardest part. Enjoy your gettaway!

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  2. Glad to hear from you! All these emotions, especially the ones where you feel completely different about moving forward or not, are completely normal. You've been through so much, of course it's hard to move forward. I hope you and C continue to work together as you heal. Sending you love.

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  3. I work for an eye doctor and hot compresses might help the sty. If you dip a wash cloth in hot water and then hold it on the infected area for a few minutes a few times a day - it helps to pull the infection to the surface. If you can draw it up that way - they might not have to do the surgery procedure - (but if they do... it is not a big deal.)
    I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I have had a few myself. Please don't try to rush thru the grieving period. Jumping back into life and trying to ignore the pain might seem like the best way - but it doesn't help you deal with it - at least that is what I have found to be true for myself. You are not a lone.

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  4. I'm sorry to see you're struggling. I find myself struggling with many of the same questions... Its such a hard decision.

    I hope the sty clears up on its own!! Geez, who knew a sty could make you have surgery.

    Hugs to you. I hope you can pull through soon. :-)

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  5. You're right. Sometimes that time away is just necessary to regain ourselves when we suffered a loss. We walk a very tough, very long, very lonely road. Just try to give yourself time to heal. Eventually, you'll feel better - you'll never forget, but time will ease the ache.

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  6. So sorry that I've been so long in commenting... I've been MIA too. Thinking of you and hope that you're OK ? This IF journey is a nightmare... be gentle on yourself and take as much time as you need to heal. Love always xoxo

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