Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Today has been a day of What Ifs for me. I hate the What Ifs. I know they are not healthy to have, but for right now, I just can't shake them. I'm sorry in advance that this post is rather depressing. The What Ifs are consuming me. The more soul searching I try to do, to figure out what's best for us, the more confused I become. I'm wondering how I went from being such a strong and confident woman to not having a clue on what to do next. How did these What Ifs all end up in my head? It leaves me scared about the future. What If I have another miscarriage? What If we do another round of IVF and it doesn't work? What If I can never carry a child to term? What If my eggs are too old? What If we never have the money to even consider doing IVF again or adoption? What If we go through with adoption and are never picked by a family? What If we fall in love and the birth mother changes her mind? What If there is no child out there that is meant to be with us? What IF I'm not meant to be a mother? I felt like I was handling everything so well but I cant seem to get these doubts out of my mind today. After four failed IUIs and two IVFs that resulted in two miscarriages, I can't help thinking maybe this isn't meant to be. But sadly, I still want a family. Maybe I will just get pregnant, by having sex, like everyone else does. A girl can dream can't she?