Goodbye May-Hello June

I can't believe it is already the end of May, and tomorrow will be June. If all goes well my little frozen embryos will be placed in me on June 15th. I'm really hoping for a miracle here. We will be married for seven years in August and I naively believed I would be done having children by now. I believed by 38 (almost 39) I would already have two or three children. I was wrong! I have accepted that life is hard, and things often don't go as we plan. I have accepted that I may never have all the answers to my questions, at least in this lifetime, and wondering and pondering too long on unanswered questions will only make me crazy. I thought I was in a great place, until I drank way too much over the weekend. We went out of town and stayed with some of C.'s cousins who I adore and we all drank way too much. One of his cousins passed out; I wish I had. I became the drunk girl, who became irritated with other drunk people, and cried. Yes, I cried in front of strangers. UGH. I realize that I don't want to be that girl. I'm blaming it on the drugs making me out of whack. But who does that? Really? Who goes to someone's party out of town, gets drunk, mad and cries? This girl did, and I'm trying to move past it. In sixteen days my little guys will be placed inside me. This weekend I'm going to get our house in order; I suddenly feel that I need to be organized. I'm going to limit my alcohol and most likely just stay away all together, avoid caffeine and try to be as healthy as possible. Hopefully, my party days are over and in a few short weeks I will be on my way to being someones mother. I would give up all the parties in the world for that dream to come true. I know in my heart that this will be our last try to have a baby together, but thinking about that makes me feel too much pressure. Any tips to a successful FET? Number Three is the charm right. Isn't that how the saying goes?

It has begun......

So this cycle has begun; I started my Lupron shots on Wednesday, and so far no side effects. I actually am feeling pretty good. The weather here is warm, and my schedule is beginning to slow down a little, and for that I'm thankful. C's dad got married last weekend, and the whole event was rather stressful. His new wife is not someone that I would have choose for him, but I've learned to accept we can not choose who are loved ones fall in love with. At least it was a good distraction from Mother's Day, last Mother's day I had just found out I was pregnant and than we shortly miscarried. As I start this cycle I don't feel scared, nervous, or excited. I feel a little numb honestly. I feel hopeful, even though I know the odds are not in our favor. I feel like this probably will be the last time we roll the dice. I hope I get my miracle, but since I've been to this rodeo before, I know the outcome is out of my control. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! I can't believe how long I've been away from my blog, so long it now even has a new look; which I'm not sure I love! Yesterday, was my last day of working three jobs for awhile, and I'm thankful. I will still be working two jobs over the summer (I wish it could be only one) but as you all know this journey is expensive. I'm looking forward to only working 35-40 hours a week. Of course I have an amazing list of things to do that should occupy most of my time. I wish we could hit the lotto so I could take the summer off. We are going to try to get pregnant again in June! Yes, June! I'm freaking out now, although I know so many things have to fall exactly in place for this to even work. Our frozen embryos might not make it to transfer, and even if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant, with my history there are no guarantees that I will carry to full term. But I'm taking a deep breath, and praying that our last two frozen babies will be our chance at parenthood. I'm so ready to leave the land of If..... Our test results came back negative for everything, except we have found out that I have MTHFR (Mother F*****) so our doctor is hopeful that with that being taken care of things will work out. He would prefer us to do a "fresh" round of IVF. But since we just had to take out a loan for a new roof, that is not in the cards for us. I start Lupron May 16th!I'm going to do some research on grants for IVF and look seriously into adoption now that I have more time. Honestly, if this round does not work for us I'm not sure we will pursue fertility treatments anymore, but I've said this before! Damn, I wish I didn't want to be a mother. Why do I feel so deeply in my soul that I'm meant to be a mother, when I can't get pregnant? I will take all the positive thoughts and prayers you can spare for our frozen guys, who I pray more than anything make it into this world. I'm going to catch up on all of your blogs this weekend and have a drink later for Cinco de Mayo! I hope things are going well for all of you. I have missed you guys!