A Quiet Sunday

My parents were here for the weekend, they live about two hours north of us, and I always love spending time with them. They have now headed home, and for right now I am enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon; trying not to feel guilty that I'm ignoring the list of things I needed to do today. I'm blessed to have my parents, they are in their seventies and in great health. I have not told them yet that I will be doing IVF next month and I'm conflicted on rather to tell them or not. Part of me feels like I'm keeping this big secret from them if I don't tell them but part of me feels that I put to much pressure and disappointment on myself if I tell them and it doesn't work out or I miscarry again. It broke my heart all over again when I had to tell my mom last year that I had lost the baby and she would not be a grandma anytime soon. With my brother turning 40 next month and being happy with the bachelors lifestyle for now, I'm really her only hope. No pressure right?

I'm still taking the Synthroid for my thyroid but I really don't feel any different yet. Although it's only been a week. I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my insurance company that they will not be paying for some of my medications for the upcoming IVF. Their reason being that this is for IVF; if I was doing IUI they would cover the medication. If I thought doing IUI would work I would definitely go that route. But after four unsuccessful IUI's it seems that IVF is the best route. What's odd is that they did cover the medication for my first IVF. Did I just get lucky? Tomorrow I will have to call the pharmacy and prepare myself for the bad news when I found out how much all of this medication will cost me.

The Rollercoaster

What a roller coaster ride I feel like I'm riding on. Yesterday, I felt great, AF was finally gone and I was feeling confident in our decision to do our second round of IVF next month. But, this morning I woke up with a million What Ifs running around in my head. I really hate these What Ifs? What if we spend all of this money and it doesn't work? What if I miscarry again? Then the nurse at my new doctors office called me this afternoon with my blood results from Friday. Now there seems to be something wrong with my thyroid! Which is funny since I have been questioning that for the last few years. It's also ironic because the nurse told me I really didn't need my thyroid checked again but I insisted it be done. It's amazing to me that even with the best doctors you really have to be your own advocate when it comes to your fertility. The nurse said anything over 3 they consider high and my levels are 4.6. So tonight I begin taking Synthroid and hope that my levels are normal by the time AF shows up again. Does anyone else have a thyroid problem?

I became really frustrated at work today which now I feel bad about; I'm just so tired of waiting. When I married C. five years ago I assumed that we would have children by now. I know I'm not alone but when I look around me it seems so many woman who started trying when we did have two or three children by now. And again I'm just spinning my wheels. I can't help but wonder how long have I had this thyroid problem and has it been causing my infertility problem the whole time? So far we have just been categorized with "unexplained infertility." Part of me feels that maybe we should put the IVF on hold to see if I can get pregnant on my own once my thyroid is under control without going through IVF. But since I'm now closer to 40 than 35 it seems that time is not on my side. Plus we would be out the $2000 we have already paid, and let's face it there is no money tree growing in our backyard. Boy, do I wish we had one of those.

I have such a good support group at work which I'm thankful for. Many have been part of this journey for awhile and I've been pretty open about my struggles. But it's starting to feel like it's too much, that I'm constantly bombarded with questions and every conversation has to be about my uterus. I really love my friends at work but it seems clear I need to put up some boundaries. Especially since no one at work has experienced this first hand and I think this is so hard to understand if you haven't been here. Any suggestions on how to put up boundaries without hurting any ones feelings? Thanks for listening.

My Mind is Racing

I should still be sleeping. I was excited about sleeping in this morning; I took the morning off since I'm having acupuncture done today. But when C's alarm went off this morning, I was wide awake my mind already racing. I feel restless. Again I'm left waiting. Waiting to start AF so I can have my blood taken. Then waiting for AF one more time in April to start IVF all over again. I'm hoping for some type of miracle here that maybe AF wont come and we will be pregnant all on our own. But after five years of trying, I doubt that will be the case. I have heard stories of woman who struggled with IF for years, stopped trying and became pregnant. I hate to sound cynical, but what are the odds, really? I need to find an OBGYN for a yearly exam that is past due. I also need one in case I'm lucky enough to get my BFP in April. I have not been back to my "old" OBGYN since I had the miscarriage. He was so cold about it. It was a horrible experience and every time I think about it my blood boils. I definitely do not want to go back there. Besides his office is 45 minutes from my work so I really need someone closer. What is the best way to find a new doctor? I'm also struggling with how we are going to pay for this IVF. Once again we are wiping out our savings and will still have to go more in debt. Should we take out a loan, use a credit card? Why can't I be one of those girls that just has sex and gets pregnant? Hopefully, I will feel more relaxed after acupuncture.

To Full Term-Darci Klein

I started reading an excellent book this week, "To Full Term," written by Darci Klein. I'm only about half way through but I'm planning on finishing it this week. Darci delivered her first daughter twelve weeks early and then went on to lose four babies until the birth of her son. Any miscarriage is devastating, I know mine was, I can't imagine the horror of losing four babies. She lost twins at twenty weeks. Darci is truly an amazing and courageous woman. She asks a lot of really good questions in this book. Like, why don't doctors research why women miscarry after their first one? Why do most doctors shrug it off and just tell us to keep trying? Most doctors don't pursue why women have a miscarriage until they have lost two or three babies. This is standard practice. Maybe it's just me but this seems absolutely crazy. I can't help but question why did I miscarry? Is there something wrong that has not been detected and could this possibly happen again? Darcy has a disorder called Factor V Leiden which can cause abnormal clotting that can lead to miscarriage. I've never even heard of Factor V Leiden before, I doubt I have been tested for this. This quote from the book absolutely haunts me, "A likely seven hundred thousand women lose pregnancies to treatable causes every year-and that's only in this country." I'm really trying hard not to worry. But this really bothers me. Even after all of the doctors we have seen and the tests they have run we have still been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." We were lucky enough to get pregnant with our first IVF but only to lose our baby at eight weeks. At seven weeks there was a light heartbeat and at eight weeks we were told that our baby was gone. What if something is wrong that will cause me to miscarry again? Are there more tests that I should do before the IVF in April? I feel like I need to do everything in my power to make sure that I don't miscarry again, that's if we are even lucky enough to get pregnant. Anyone else feeling nervous?

Updates!

A lot has happened since my last post and I'm excited that things seem to be moving forward. I made the two hour drive this week to have a sonohystogram and mock embryo transfer performed. Oh, how I hate that painful test but the good news is everything looks great! I was assigned to a nurse who will be with me step by step through IVF. We put down our deposit to reserve a spot in April for IVF and my emotions are all over the place. I have been feeling very anxious about the finances and emotions of all this but today I'm feeling very positive. Last January, we attempted our first IVF, we ended up with 4 little embryos that were all transferred into me, one made it and we were BFP! It was one of the happiest times of my life, but we ended up miscarrying right before the eight week, which was one of the most devastating times of my life. I went through a pretty dark chapter at that time and didn't think I would ever attempt IVF again. I realized though that my dreams of motherhood didn't disappear and I don't want to look back at my life with regrets. I will be on a lot more medications this time around. My new RE feels that I was not on the right medications with my first IVF and that's why I developed only six eggs. I will also be on a higher level of progesterone. He stated that the level of progesterone I was on before was very low and now I can't help but wonder if this caused the miscarriage. Was I just not getting enough progesterone? I will never know for sure why I miscarried and I know I shouldn't speculate on the reasons but it's so hard not to. My girlfriend's heart surgery went well and if all goes well she will be out of the hospital on Tuesday. This was the first weekend in months I didn't watch her son and although it was nice to accomplish some things on my to due list and get together with friends; I missed the sound of pitter-patter of little feet. Hopefully, I will be hearing the sound of my own child's pitter-patter of little feet in years to come. For now, I'm feeling positive and optimistic about the future.