Tuesday, June 26, 2012

One can be an ugly number

First of all thank-you for the love and support. I wish I had better news to report. I wish my journey was taking a different direction. I really thought since my last two embies made it through the thaw; that they would be my fighters the ones that would make it. That they would grow, and I would have a birth story to share. I thought, or hoped that next March I would be a mother. My Beta came in today at 1. Yes, one as in uno, definitely negative the nurse explained. She said to stop all of my meds, have another blood test done on Thursday for protocol, and make a WTH went wrong appointment with Dr. D.

I wasn't ready yet to throw in the towel. I knew my number would be low since I received a negative on both home pregnancy tests, but I was hoping it would be even  maybe a five.  I would take a five. I'm not sure if I will do the second pregnancy test on Thursday, or make the WTF went wrong appointment with Dr. D. I'm not sure it matters what went wrong since I know we will be not trying again. It makes me sad to think I will never experience pregnancy, but I also know it's time to stop treatment. IF has stolen lots of time and money from me, and I know longer feel like being on this roller coaster. I believe for me it's time to stop. Maybe I will change my mind, since the future is always uncertain. I do know I could love any child and in the future we will need to make some tough choices about adoption and foster care. Again, I know with that  road there are also no certainties. The one thing I truly have learned is that in life there are no certainties; we truly can take nothing for granted. I'm not ready to throw in the towel of becoming a mother. But I can't help thinking maybe we are meant to be child-free. I love my husband, family, friends and work, maybe I should just be content and grateful with what I have. But damn it I really want to be a mother! For now, I have to get through teaching my summer classes and I will be planning a well deserved vacation in August! Thanks again for all of your support!

6 comments:

  1. Oh Sandy, I'm so very sorry. I was hoping right along with you... Sending you peace and love as you process this...

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  2. I am so very sorry that you are facing all these tough choices. My heart breaks for you. I know you will choose what is best for you in the long run but in the short term let your self grieve. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. My heart goes out to you.

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  3. I'm so very sorry :( There is just nothing easy about this journey. I hope you're able to find some comfort while working through the decisions you are faced with.

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  4. Oh Sandy, I am so so sorry. My heart goes out to you right now.

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  5. I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking. I can't even find the words to express my sympathy for you. Keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs.

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  6. Sandy, I am so very sorry that this is how it all turned out. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I will continue to do so!

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