Things have been strange as I recover from may failed FET. I have moments where I feel great and optimistic about the future. Other moments I am reminded that I failed at our last attempt to have a baby and that the likelihood of me ever becoming pregnant and giving birth to a child probably will not happen. I still believe in miracles, but I'm also being realistic at this point.
We had a great time camping over the fourth. It was an adult weekend with a tubing trip. It was fun. I didn't think about children. But when the weekend was over and we were driving home; I started to cry. I want to be camping with my kids! My kids that may never come and that is frightening!
I realize now how much hope I had in those two little frozen embryos. My doctor called and left a message about how sorry he was. His message sounded so sincere it brought me to tears. He wants me to come back; he still believes he can help me. I'm not sure that is the right thing. We had decided that this would be our last shot. We had decided that we have spent just to much time and money spinning our wheels. But than the What Ifs come into my head! What If we do it again and it works?
I have a cousin whose daughter has been on and off in foster care. His wife overdosed and passed away shortly after their daughter was born. My cousin has never been stable. He also has drug dependencies and responsibility issues which makes me think he wont be able to raise his daughter on his own. He is currently living in another state. We have offered time and time again to take his daughter, which he has graciously declined. He feels that he can work through the system and raise his daughter. Last night I had dinner with his mom, who informed me that my cousin is thinking about having his dad and step-mom raise his daughter, even though he has never had a good relationship with either. His mom told me that my other cousin who I'm pretty close to thought that this would be in the best interest of his daughter. This was another slap in the face for me. If I can't get my own family to pick me to raise their child, how will a stranger pick me? Talk about feeling like shit. Now my fear is What if we never get picked?
I've started researching adoption agencies; there are a ton of them. Should I go through foster care? Domestic infant, international or an older child waiting for a home adoption?
I read a wonderful post this week about listening to the universe. It makes sense when the universe talks we should listen. My problem is I'm not hearing anything. I want the universe to talk to me as crazy as that sounds! So if you are listening Universe I could take a little guidance now! The only thing I know for sure is I want a family. I want to be a mom! And if it isn't meant to be then why wont this feeling go away?