The Rollercoaster

What a roller coaster ride I feel like I'm riding on. Yesterday, I felt great, AF was finally gone and I was feeling confident in our decision to do our second round of IVF next month. But, this morning I woke up with a million What Ifs running around in my head. I really hate these What Ifs? What if we spend all of this money and it doesn't work? What if I miscarry again? Then the nurse at my new doctors office called me this afternoon with my blood results from Friday. Now there seems to be something wrong with my thyroid! Which is funny since I have been questioning that for the last few years. It's also ironic because the nurse told me I really didn't need my thyroid checked again but I insisted it be done. It's amazing to me that even with the best doctors you really have to be your own advocate when it comes to your fertility. The nurse said anything over 3 they consider high and my levels are 4.6. So tonight I begin taking Synthroid and hope that my levels are normal by the time AF shows up again. Does anyone else have a thyroid problem?

I became really frustrated at work today which now I feel bad about; I'm just so tired of waiting. When I married C. five years ago I assumed that we would have children by now. I know I'm not alone but when I look around me it seems so many woman who started trying when we did have two or three children by now. And again I'm just spinning my wheels. I can't help but wonder how long have I had this thyroid problem and has it been causing my infertility problem the whole time? So far we have just been categorized with "unexplained infertility." Part of me feels that maybe we should put the IVF on hold to see if I can get pregnant on my own once my thyroid is under control without going through IVF. But since I'm now closer to 40 than 35 it seems that time is not on my side. Plus we would be out the $2000 we have already paid, and let's face it there is no money tree growing in our backyard. Boy, do I wish we had one of those.

I have such a good support group at work which I'm thankful for. Many have been part of this journey for awhile and I've been pretty open about my struggles. But it's starting to feel like it's too much, that I'm constantly bombarded with questions and every conversation has to be about my uterus. I really love my friends at work but it seems clear I need to put up some boundaries. Especially since no one at work has experienced this first hand and I think this is so hard to understand if you haven't been here. Any suggestions on how to put up boundaries without hurting any ones feelings? Thanks for listening.