Thanks everyone for the positive feedback on my last post. I feel like I've been a bad blogger and haven't been writing much on my blog lately. But the truth is since we are on hold right now there isn't much to report. My goal is by July to have a solid plan on what to do next. I have learned through infertility that plans don't always work out like they should. But I always need a Plan A and a backup plan just in case Plan A doesn't work out. So having no plan right now seems strange and frustrating to me. This is the first time during this journey that I haven't been confident on what to do next. The indecisiveness is painful for me.
I have a cousin who is four years older than me; he has struggled on and off for the last twenty years with a drug addiction. His wife overdosed last year leaving their newborn daughter behind. My cousin who lives in another state than me lost custody of his daughter last November. I offered to take her so his daughter would not have to go into foster care. He refused saying he didn't want his daughter to leave the state where he lives and he would work the process to gain custody back of his daughter. Which he did. However, he recently has been arrested and his daughter has been placed once again in foster care. Again I offered to take his daughter which he agreed to this time but than quickly changed his mind. His mother is now trying to get guardianship which seems like a horrible idea since she doesn't have the financial means and is not emotionally stable. I love his mother but she attempted to commit suicide twice last year and refuses to accept treatment for her problems. She is depressed and bipolar. My cousin told another family member that he is afraid that if his daughter goes with me, "to a stable environment" he will never be able to get her back. I love my dysfunctional family members, but it irritates me behind words how they continuously make bad choices, now it doesn't just affect them but a innocent child. His daughter just celebrated her first birthday with her foster care family. I'm praying that she is with a fabulous family as I write this. I know that there are many wonderful foster care families out there but I have also heard some horror stories about the less than desirable families out there. I placed a call to my cousin's child case worker today but as of yet I have not heard back from her. His mother believes she will obtain guardianship later this week. This seems so ironic to me. My cousin easily brings a child into the world he can't care for while we and so many others struggle to bring a child home. Has anyone tried to navigate the foster care system while living in a different state than the child? I'm pretty sure the child will be placed with his mother at this point. Which I'm sure will not be the best situation for this child. I really want his daughter to have a good life, to have opportunities and be loved. I wonder if I could be strong enough to be a good foster parent? To fall in love with a child and than be ordered to send that child home, maybe even back into a less than desirable situation, sounds painful. But I would be willing to do it, especially for my cousin's daughter. Thanks for letting me vent. All of these thoughts seem to be racing through my mind right now.