Monday, June 13, 2011

What To Do Next?

I hate to admit it but I'm stuck on what to do next. I feel we are stuck at some important crossroads and I still have no idea on which way to go. Every decision has pro and cons and I'm scared of ending up on the wrong road. I want to be a mother. This is the only thing I'm sure about. Part of me wishes the feelings of wanting to be a mother would go away. Wouldn't my life be so much easier drinking wine and taking vacations? I could have traveled to a few exotic places by now, with all of the money we have spent on fertility treatments. I'm starting to doubt myself and wondering if I'm truly meant to be a mother. If I was meant to be a mother wouldn't it have happened by now? But, if it wasn't meant to be, why do I still dream of hearing pitter patter of little feet and holding a baby in my arms?

I thought I have been doing pretty well lately. Working, writing, getting out and visiting family and friends; but today I can't seem to shake the uncertainty of the future. Our journey, like many of yours, has been a crazy one. Cycles of Clomid, cycles of Gonal F, four failed IUI's and two rounds of IVF's which were both able to result in BFP's but unfortunately both also resulted in losses in the first trimester. It's hard not to become bitter when all the fertility bills start rolling in and you still have nothing to show for it. It's even harder for me to think about the two angels that I have lost, and what could have been. Do I want to put myself through that again?

So these are options:
1. Continue with fertility treatments
2. Start the adoption process to adopt an infant
3. Become foster parents
4. Do nothing and accept that we will probably be childless.

Thanks for letting me vent today!


  1. I'm sorry you've had to go through so much! I personally want to encourage you to do #2 and/or #3. Don't give up!

  2. "If I was meant to be a mother wouldn't it have happened by now? But, if it wasn't meant to be, why do I still dream of hearing pitter patter of little feet and holding a baby in my arms?"

    These questions have gone through my heart and mind so many times. But I truly believe that your little ones are out there for you! Personally we're going forward with both adoption and another IVF, with the intent and commitment to joyfully welcome home any and all that come our way. I know some agencies are more than willing to place the process on hold if you become pregnant and decide you would want to wait. You cannot get a refund if you get pregnant and decide to cancel. But so long as you're not planning to move, even if you have the home study completed, you can just place the process on hold until you feel ready. For most, you have to make that decision before the referral, but every agency is different. We found one that would work with our specific desires and need (international adoption while pursuing IVF, no cancellation even if we become pregnant). It takes a bit of research but I think it's so worth it. I feel so much happier these days, and so does my husband. And our marriage is much happier as well... it just lifted a huge weight off of our hearts.

  3. I'm so sorry. Its such a hard journey to be on. I find myself wishing the same thing - that I could just lose the desire and go back to being a normal, carefree person instead of a neurotic IFer. :-) You've been through so much already, I know there's a baby out there for you somewhere.

  4. These are such tough decisions. I wish they could be easier, but only you and your hubby can figure out the right path. Sending you a hug as you weigh your options.

  5. Such a hard decision... but your love for your future child/ren will see you through and the answer will become clear. I feel for you and hope your answer comes soon. Love to you always xoxo