Feeling Hopeful

I can't believe tomorrow is the day! We have to be at the clinic by 8:30 tomorrow, and it's a two hour drive for us, so it will be an early morning! I'm feeling hopeful. I'm staying positive! I'm praying for a miracle and that my little guys are thawing out correctly as I write this. The clinic hasn't called, and I'm taking the approach that no news is good news! I will be staying off the Internet this weekend, but I will catch up with you all next week. I will take any prayers and positive thoughts you can spare! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Shots and More Shots

I'm moving right along in this cycle. I started my progesterone shots last night. and wow does my butt hurt today. I'm only receiving 1 ml which doesn't seem like enough, it seems like last time I received 2 ml. I could be wrong, but I left a message for the nurse to call me just in case. Is there a normal amount of progesterone that is giving during FET? I'm started to get more nervous and excited for Friday, now that I realize it's just a few days away. I'm going to stay hopeful, eat pineapple, rest and try to laugh a lot. Any funny books or movies I should check out while I'm on bed rest? Thanks for all of your support!

Still Moving ON

I don't have a lot to report right now. Lately it just seems that time keeps passing by and I'm not getting any closer to my goals. My ultrasound on Friday went great, and I was informed that my lining looked perfect! I never knew I would be the girl talking about her uterus and perfect lining, Yes, life if funny. If everything goes well our two remaining frozen guys will be with me on Friday. I'm praying for a miracle. I've learned that hope is not a strategy but sometimes its all we've got! Anyways, this is suppose to be a luckier year, right? I hope all of you are having some luck and making your dreams come true!

Goodbye May-Hello June

I can't believe it is already the end of May, and tomorrow will be June. If all goes well my little frozen embryos will be placed in me on June 15th. I'm really hoping for a miracle here. We will be married for seven years in August and I naively believed I would be done having children by now. I believed by 38 (almost 39) I would already have two or three children. I was wrong! I have accepted that life is hard, and things often don't go as we plan. I have accepted that I may never have all the answers to my questions, at least in this lifetime, and wondering and pondering too long on unanswered questions will only make me crazy. I thought I was in a great place, until I drank way too much over the weekend. We went out of town and stayed with some of C.'s cousins who I adore and we all drank way too much. One of his cousins passed out; I wish I had. I became the drunk girl, who became irritated with other drunk people, and cried. Yes, I cried in front of strangers. UGH. I realize that I don't want to be that girl. I'm blaming it on the drugs making me out of whack. But who does that? Really? Who goes to someone's party out of town, gets drunk, mad and cries? This girl did, and I'm trying to move past it. In sixteen days my little guys will be placed inside me. This weekend I'm going to get our house in order; I suddenly feel that I need to be organized. I'm going to limit my alcohol and most likely just stay away all together, avoid caffeine and try to be as healthy as possible. Hopefully, my party days are over and in a few short weeks I will be on my way to being someones mother. I would give up all the parties in the world for that dream to come true. I know in my heart that this will be our last try to have a baby together, but thinking about that makes me feel too much pressure. Any tips to a successful FET? Number Three is the charm right. Isn't that how the saying goes?

It has begun......

So this cycle has begun; I started my Lupron shots on Wednesday, and so far no side effects. I actually am feeling pretty good. The weather here is warm, and my schedule is beginning to slow down a little, and for that I'm thankful. C's dad got married last weekend, and the whole event was rather stressful. His new wife is not someone that I would have choose for him, but I've learned to accept we can not choose who are loved ones fall in love with. At least it was a good distraction from Mother's Day, last Mother's day I had just found out I was pregnant and than we shortly miscarried. As I start this cycle I don't feel scared, nervous, or excited. I feel a little numb honestly. I feel hopeful, even though I know the odds are not in our favor. I feel like this probably will be the last time we roll the dice. I hope I get my miracle, but since I've been to this rodeo before, I know the outcome is out of my control. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! I can't believe how long I've been away from my blog, so long it now even has a new look; which I'm not sure I love! Yesterday, was my last day of working three jobs for awhile, and I'm thankful. I will still be working two jobs over the summer (I wish it could be only one) but as you all know this journey is expensive. I'm looking forward to only working 35-40 hours a week. Of course I have an amazing list of things to do that should occupy most of my time. I wish we could hit the lotto so I could take the summer off. We are going to try to get pregnant again in June! Yes, June! I'm freaking out now, although I know so many things have to fall exactly in place for this to even work. Our frozen embryos might not make it to transfer, and even if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant, with my history there are no guarantees that I will carry to full term. But I'm taking a deep breath, and praying that our last two frozen babies will be our chance at parenthood. I'm so ready to leave the land of If..... Our test results came back negative for everything, except we have found out that I have MTHFR (Mother F*****) so our doctor is hopeful that with that being taken care of things will work out. He would prefer us to do a "fresh" round of IVF. But since we just had to take out a loan for a new roof, that is not in the cards for us. I start Lupron May 16th!I'm going to do some research on grants for IVF and look seriously into adoption now that I have more time. Honestly, if this round does not work for us I'm not sure we will pursue fertility treatments anymore, but I've said this before! Damn, I wish I didn't want to be a mother. Why do I feel so deeply in my soul that I'm meant to be a mother, when I can't get pregnant? I will take all the positive thoughts and prayers you can spare for our frozen guys, who I pray more than anything make it into this world. I'm going to catch up on all of your blogs this weekend and have a drink later for Cinco de Mayo! I hope things are going well for all of you. I have missed you guys!

Friday the Thirteenth

Happy Friday, the thirteenth everyone! I can't believe I have been away from my blog for so long. Life has been crazy,working three jobs, and trying to navigate friendships, family and this world of IF is certainly keeping me busy. I miss writing, I miss just watching a movie, I miss lazy days of having nothing to do. But I love teaching, and I realize I have to work like crazy if we want to start a family. I wish money wasn't always an issue. I guess I better start playing the lotto.

I just got home from having dinner with some girlfriends, and it was lovely. Honestly, I didn't want to go out. But since C. (my DH) left for a fishing trip, and I was dealing with a lot of peer pressure I caved in and went out. It was great to catch up with some good friends who have been a part of my crazy journey for as long as I can remember. I truly love these girls! I know I've been neglecting a lot of my relationships lately, but the truth is I feel guilty when I go out. Teaching and working three places has taking a lot out of me. There is always a paper to grade, a lesson to plan, and grades to calculate. I love it, but it is definitely a learning curve, and I'm looking forward to the beginning of May to get a little break. Although it looks like I may now be teaching a few summer classes, but I definitely will not be as busy as I am now. I feel that I'm drifting away from a lot of people, especially my BFF who is like my sister. She has had a lot of health issues and I've tried to support her as much as possible. I also adore her son who is six; we really do have a special bond. I truly love them. Her health has finally approved and she has been getting out doing more. I feel guilty that I've been working so much and haven't had a ton of time for them. Two weeks ago she told me that she had done some research to find my ex husband and had called him. She had to leave a message and she was hoping that she would get to hang out with him. I was stunned. In fairness, they had a mutual friend who passed away recently, and she wanted to talk to him about that, but she has not seen my ex husband in ten years. We have been divorced for ten years. I have been married to my current husband for almost seven. She wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with them? Seriously? My ex husband is an alcoholic. From what she has learned he is still drinking, and he has lost his drivers license again. I'm not surprised. At one time I loved him with all of my heart, I wish him well, but I don't want that life again. I don't want to hang out with him. I cant understand why my BF wants to hang out with him either. This just seems so unhealthy and frankly weird. I normally talk to her several times a week, but we have only texted a few times in the last several weeks. I miss her, but I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to let the friendship go, but I don't want to live in the past. If I'm being truly honest, I feel betrayed. Why would she choose this? Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I often wonder why life has to be so complicated?

I have also been fighting with my insurance company all week for my referral to have my blood drawn. The medical biller (and the girl who writes the referral's)at my primary doctor's office has turned out to be, excuse my language, but a b****. She refuse to work with my fertility specialist and even hung up on them. Very professional, right? My referral is now "pending" and my insurance company has until Thursday to decide if they will pay for the tests for me. Seriously, I'm starting to think that insurance companies make things so difficult for you that you finally just give up. Either way I have the appointment for our blood to be drawn on Thursday. I'm so tired of waiting, and we really can't move on until we get the results from these tests. If I have to pay; I will appeal. Oh, and we need a new roof, that is going to cost a million dollars. So that's how my luck is going. I'm just hoping that all my luck is being stored and saved for my frozen babies. I really hope I get my miracle this year; I'm getting tired. In the meantime, I'm giving myself the rest of the evening off, drinking a Summer Shandy, catching up on all of your blogs, and maybe even watching a good movie!