Friday, May 20, 2011
First of all thank you so much for the supportive comments this week. I really appreciate all of you and am thankful that I can vent on this blog. Thursday afternoon I met with Dr. D who did an ultrasound and verified his suspicions that I had in fact an ectopic pregnancy. There is absolutely nothing in my uterus, no sac, no evidence that a sac ever existed. I felt like I was prepared for this but I wasn't. Hearing that my uterus was bare put me into tears for most of the evening last night. I had to come face to face with the fact that this time there would be no baby. I was a little irritated with Dr. D yesterday; I had a bunch of questions for him and he didn't want to answer them all at this time. He was very polite but stated "I want to get you out of the danger zone first. I will answer all of your questions later!" I appreciate that he wants me to be safe but I felt a little dismissed. And to make matters worse the appointment cost me $260. Seriously? After all the money we have already paid? This morning my blood levels finally rose to 211, this has been my highest level so far. Ironic that for weeks I have been praying that my levels go up, now when they need to go down they are finally rising. And I also started the period from hell this morning with the worse cramps I have ever had. I really thought I would die earlier. The nurse assured me this is normal and I was instructed to make the two hour trip to have the methotrexate shot administered. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to have the shot but it seems a better option than surgery or having my tube burst open. I don't understand why this has happened to me. I'm starting to question what is next in this journey for us. I'm starting to wonder if I really will ever become a mother. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I'm going to try to heal quickly. I thought I would have more peace, love and laughter this year. But it's hard to laugh when your heart is breaking. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. I'm hoping the rest of you are having better luck with your journeys.