Things Dont Always Go As Planned

Wednesday was the big day where I had my little embies put into me. I haven't stopped thinking about them since that moment and I know this sounds corny but I love them already. I would like to say the morning went as planned with no hiccups, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. But all of us in the IF world know things often don't go as we plan.

First, the doctor had some bad news for me. Three of our embryos had died during the night. WTF? But on the positive side, the three embryos he was putting into me he considered "Grade A" and he was very optimistic about our success. However, we would now only have two embies to freeze and they are not what he would consider "Grade A." I'm still thankful I have some to freeze. Maybe they aren't perfect, but at least it gives me something to hold onto.

The nurse had told me Tuesday night drink water, take your Valium an hour before the procedure, but do not empty your bladder two hours before the procedure. Um OK, but I really do have the bladder the size of a pea. I made it through the procedure and was suppose to lay resting for a 1.5 before my journey home. I tried so hard to not have to get up and go to the bathroom, but my bladder wouldn't hold out. I was beginning to feel so uncomfortable and I knew that soon if I didn't go I would have an accident. As gross as it sounds, I would have been willing to have an accident if it gave my babies a better shot. But C. went to get the nurse and both her and the doctor agreed I could get up to use the restroom. I was all teary eyed, mad at my damn little bladder, but my doctor's reassurance that I didn't screw anything up helped and I tried to go back to my positive thoughts as quickly as possible.

I've been resting since then. Eating pineapple, rubbing my belly and praying that these little guys grow. My doctor said I could official go back to normal activities today except for no lifting anything over 10 pounds, no sex or exercise but since it's Friday I decided to stay at home one more day. I also don't plan on doing much over the weekend. I'm not sure if any of this will help, but it feels like it's the best I can do for myself right now. I also have to say I feel very blessed that my DH (C.), family, friends, and fellow bloggers have given me so many positive thoughts and support.

Updates

Well my doctor called me this afternoon to inform me that we have eight embroys. I can't believe that eight out of the ten made it. He will be putting three of the embroys into me tomorrow morning and we will have five to freeze. I just can't believe it. I'm feeling very optomistic this evening and praying that we will finally get our miracle baby!

The Whirlwind

The last few days have been such a whirlwind for me. It was great seeing my family for Easter. It was such a distraction from thinking about having my eggs removed Monday morning. I finally broke down and told my parents and brother that we were doing IVF. They handles it fantastically and it made me feel so much better. I felt like I was keeping this big secret from them and as the saying goes the truth sets you free. My surgery Monday morning went better than I expected. I had some cramping but wasn't in much pain, I'm sure the drugs helped a lot. I slept the whole two hour ride home and most of the day yesterday, and I'm still feeling a little out of it today. Thank goodness for a loving boss who let me take lots of time off this week. My doctor was able to retrieve ten eggs! I can't wait for them to call later, to let me know how many little embryos I have waiting for me. I'm feeling optimistic today. Since there was a point when I wanted to call it quits in this cycle and it seemed like three eggs was the most I could hope for; I'm thrilled that I managed to receive ten! I'm just praying for some good news today. It sounds like if all goes well, I will be returning tomorrow to have my little guys placed back into me. I'm praying this works out for us and we get to finally start our family.

Raging Hormones

Today I can tell my hormones are out of control. I couldn't wait to get home from work to cuddle up with a book and do absolutely nothing. This is normally not like me at all, but I have been struggling to stay awake all day and DH (C) had told me last night that he had made plans to go out with one of our neighbors after work but he would be home by 8 for my shots. Of course when I got home, C and the neighbor were both here and the neighbor had drove over and blocked the garage where I normally park. No big deal, but I have to park behind him or on the road. Of course since I'm wearing heels I choose to park behind him. As I walk into the house, there was no "How was your day?' or "Good to see you!" Just "Where did you park? Why couldn't you park somewhere else?" I realize I may be being over sensitive but it really pissed me off. I offered to move my vehicle so they could get out and off they went. It just seemed so obnoxious. So unlike C. But I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.

My appointment yesterday went better than I expected. The ultrasound tech counted 18 follicles which I was thrilled about. She did say most of them were small but several would large. She didn't give me the exact number the nurse always calls later with the results which is a little annoying. But I was thrilled to hear the number 18. We have gone from 3 to 8 to 18. When the nurse called me later in the afternoon she said I could probably only count on 9. My largest follicle is 17.5. I have eight more that range from 13.5-9 and the rest are smaller. So grow babies grow is all I can say. My estrogen has gone up to 960 so I'm also excited about that but I also have read that the number really should be over 2000 when doing IVF, so I'm hoping that it is higher tomorrow. Tomorrow is Good Friday so I'm hoping for some good news after my ultrasound and blood work. The nurse stated that I might have my retrieval as early as Monday which I'm starting to freak out about. Keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle works out.

Being Hopeful

Yesterday's appointment went better than I expected. I started out my journey before dawn preparing for my two hour drive, when it started to snow. Really, more snow in April? I was hoping that this was not a sign about how the rest of my morning would continue. I managed to arrive to my appointment on time and my doctor personally did my ultrasound. Dr. D said he was shocked to find out that I only had a few follicles last week but was hoping for more when he did the ultrasound. He was able to locate five follicles on my left side and three follicles on my right; so it looks like I now have eight altogether which is definitely better than three. I'm excited and hopeful that we decided not to cancel the cycle, but I'm also a little disappointed because I was hoping for more. I'm on a high dose of Gonal F and assumed I would have 12-15 follicles this round. Dr. D said I could cancel and wait for a better cycle, but there are no guarantees what the next cycle will bring; it could be four follicles or it could be 15. This is starting to feel an awful lot like gambling and I'm so not a risk taker. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone here. I'm going out on a limb, having faith and telling myself this really will work. I'm also hoping we will be able to freeze some of these little guys for future use but I know I'm hoping for a lot. I also know it's about quality and not quantity. Yesterday, all of my follicle were measuring around 8-10 so I'm hoping there is some growth there. My Estradiol was only at 584 which seems a little low but Dr.D. said it was alright for now. Tomorrow I'm back for another ultrasound so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying a prayer that everything looks promising. I really hope I get to be a mom this time around.

Day Five Frustrations

What a frustrating day today turned out to be. I'm trying to stay optimistic but it is so hard. The Re I'm using has a wonderful reputation but it seems that I'm having an awful time with his office. Maybe because they are sending me to their satellite offices that are closer in location for me. I appreciate not having to drive two hours there and two hours back for an ultrasound, but this is getting bizarre. I'm starting to wish I never changed doctors. C. just reminded me that he has an incredible reputation, a higher success rate than our last doctor and costs way less; but I'm starting to feel like I bought a used car. We haven't paid yet for the IVF and I'm thinking about throwing in the towel on this cycle.

This morning I went to a new location to have a ultrasound. There were no problems there. They had all of my paperwork and were expecting me. The ultrasound tech examined me and found two follicles on my right side and one follicle on my left. I couldn't see the ultrasound which bothered me. I asked her if there was a cyst on my left side and she said no it was a follicle. At this point, I'm not sure if the cyst went away or the cyst and the follicle are one in the same. Next I was on to do blood work at the building next store. However, they didn't have my lab slip. No problem I would call the doctors office. After waiting on hold for what seemed like forever the receptionist said she couldn't find my nurse but would fax the lab slip over. That's when the girl at the lab, that my doctors office sent me too, said they couldn't take a lab slip from my doctors office. They would have to fax it to the main hospital and the main hospital would have to send it over which could take hours. What a crazy policy. I asked the girl if they could fax me the slip and I could hand it to her but she wasn't amused. So my doctors office ended up faxing the lab slip to me at work and I went to the lab by my work. However, by this time it was already after 9:00, between drive time and me having to stop at work to get the lab slip. The lady at the lab told me she wouldn't be able to get my doctor results that evening and I started to cry. It seems silly now but the whole morning had been so frustrating. She felt bad and said she would see what she could do.

I went to work and waited for the nurse to call me. She finally called around three and wanted to know why I hadn't called about the lab misunderstanding. This really set me off but I was calm and told her I was concerned about only having three follicles. She stated the doctor didn't discuss that there were any problems with her and she said to just keep taking Gonal F and return for an ultrasound on Monday. When I asked to talk to the doctor she said she would just schedule me an appointment with him and have him to do the ultrasound at their main location on Monday morning. I hung up with her feeling completely dismissed.

I called back around 4:30 and the phones were already shut off but I left a message with the after hours services that I would like to talk to my doctor since I was thinking of cancelling my IVF cycle. A doctor (not my doctor) did call me back and agreed that the three follicles were not good but did think I should stay on the medicine and come in Monday morning for the ultrasound. If I didn't have any more follicles we could always cancel the IVF.

I'm so bummed out about this. I really want to be positive but it just seems like things are not lining up this cycle. I hate to stay on this medication which is crazy expensive just to have the cycle cancelled Monday. But I also hate to cancel it. I'm so tired of waiting. I just need this time to be successful. I know there are no guarantees but it seems like luck is not going our way so far. C. thinks I should take the medicine all weekend and meet with the doctor on Monday. So for now that's what I plan to do. Would any of you stop the cycle or is it to early to tell?

Cysts and IVF-Day Three

Yesterday was such a hectic day. I was up and out the door at the crack of dawn to be on time for my ultrasound. Again, I really miss the girls at my last RE's office, they were so friendly. I went to my new RE's satellite office since it's closer to me than their main office. Their satellite office is also an OBGYN office, so it was a little strange. I'm not use to the kids toys and very pregnant women in the waiting room. But I survived. My wait wasn't long and the ultrasound tech seemed very thoroughly. She looked at my left ovary first and said it looked great, three little follicles already forming. Then she examined the right ovary and found a cyst, 2.5 cm. She stated that she doubted that my doctor would start me on the medications, but wait for the nurse to call. So I left thinking my life was on hold one more month. At 3:00 I still hadn't heard from the nurse who normally calls me so I called the office to find out she was off for the day. Of course. The receptionist transferred me to another nurse who stated that they normally do IVF even if there is a little cyst there. I expressed my concerns, and she said the doctor would call me. I really don't want to be a difficult patient, but since we are paying for this out of pocket and who knows if we will ever have the funding again I want to do everything we can do to be successful. The doctor called me last night and said he wasn't worried about the cyst. That my hormone levels looked great, my thyroid levels were back to normal, and the cyst would not effect the number of eggs I develop. He also stated that if the cyst is still there when he takes out my eggs he will just drain it. Of course I was concerned about the cyst causing a miscarriage. He made me feel better and my DH (C) told me last night I should stop worrying. That we should trust the doctor, he is highly recommended and he feels confident that he will do everything in his power to make this work for us. So I'm trying to be positive, have faith and just let the chips fall where they may. But boy is this difficult. I started the Gonal F last night and go for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm hoping for lots of healthy eggs this time. Has anyone else gone through IVF with having a cyst?

Day Two

Yesterday afternoon I was blessed with Aunt Flow arriving. She was a few days early this month and this generally doesn't happen to me. So here we go with IVF #2. The first time I was excited, but this time I am just freaking out. Constantly questioning myself is this the right decision? I didn't have that the first time around. Maybe I was just more naive about what my body would have to go through. I was definitely naive about having a miscarriage. I thought to myself no God would let me lose my baby after years of struggling to get pregnant. But my guardian angel must have been on vacation because it happened. Now a year after the miscarriage we are trying IVF again. I had my blood taken yesterday since my doctor agreed to run a few more tests to make sure everything looks good, (since I am stressing out that something could be wrong.) I had my blood taking this morning to find out my FSH level and tomorrow morning I have my first ultrasound. I'm scared. I don't want to be but I am. I'm having cold feet. I still want to be a mother and have a baby with C more than anything in the world, but this time I'm just plain nervous. I know what can happen.

Driving home last night, I asked for a sign that this was the right thing to do, and a Dove sat on our deck watching me make dinner. This has to be some type of sign right? I'm not a very religious person, but I'm definitely spiritually and I'm definitely looking for signs. Driving home from work tonight I was thinking about how much money this was costing us and realizing we were still short. When I opened the mail tonight our credit card company had sent us checks that can be used with 0% interest as long as its paid off before June 2012. Now I'm not a big fan of us taking on more debt but this seems like another sign right? Than why am I still scared. Maybe its because I'm not much of a gambler. I dont like my 50/50 odds. I would never go into a casino and put this kind of money on black; I would be having anxiety about seeing red. Life is a risk; I know this. I also know that this has been a long journey and without the IVF our dreams of being parents probably wont happen. I'm going to get up at dawn and drive to my ultrasound appointment. I just wish I wasn't so nervous about it!

More Waiting

I feel like I am constantly waiting, but also feeling optimistic that my miracle will come. I don't mind waiting as long as there is a happy ending. The nurse at the RE office called me Friday to tell me she had all of our results finally and everything looks good except for that C. has low Vitamin D. The lab would like to see it over 30 and he was only at 18. So 2000 Vitamin D a day for him too. It seems strange that we are both low on Vitamin D, but the nurse stated lots of people in Michigan are low this type of year. That makes sense, since we haven't seen the sun in six months. It appeared today and it was gorgeous. I tried to get some extra Vitamin D today to make up for the long winter. I talked to my nurse about running a few more tests to make sure we weren't missing anything, since I'm still concerned about miscarrying again. When she called me back she said the doctor agreed, but didn't really feel it was necessary. I know he is doubling my progesterone since that was so low before and I will stay on the thyroid medication which could have caused problems to. But I just dont want to miss anything. The Fed Ex man delivered my package of drugs to me at work on Friday. It's overwhelming to look at all of the drugs together. So I'm just trying to concentrate on positive thoughts for now. More blood on Monday and then just waiting for AF to come. I'm secretly praying that AF will not arrive and by some miracle we will actually conceive on our own. Wow, to be like one of those couples who just have sex and have a baby! Life is such a crazy journey!

Moving Along

This week seemed a little hectic with trying to prepare for IVF. The nurse from my new RE's office called this week telling me there were three problems. One they did not have any of C's stuff, the lab had missed testing me for Chlamydia which needed to be done before IVF, and my vitamin D was low. I don't recall us ever talking about us providing a sample for C since his numbers have always looked good, but I guess it makes sense. The nurse suggested that we go to a local lab, she would fax me the lab slip, since we live two hours from the doctors office. When I asked her where she recommended to go she said she had no idea. I really am missing the girls at my old RE's office. Sure, the doctor there had some issues, but the girls that worked there were wonderful. After calling three of our areas local labs and telling them my story, I found a lab that could help us. So because C couldn't take anytime off work this week and I have a pretty flexible job; I was the lucky one who got to deliver the package. It was so strange dropping it off at a regular lab where everyone else was waiting to have their blood work done and I was reaching under my shirt to pull out the package I was trying to keep warm. Oh the life of being an Ifer; if it wasn't for having a good sense of humor I think we would all go crazy.

I went yesterday morning to have my blood taken again at the lab that forgot the one test. I learned an important lesson yesterday, when the phlebotomist comes out and says she is a student, ""Do you mind if I take your blood?" Just say NO. Of course I know everyone has to learn a new job at some point, but I think I was this girl's first patient. She put the needle in too deep, so needless to say it was not a good experience. Her supervisor had to take over and take the blood in the other arm; and I have a big bruise this morning in the arm that the student phlebotomist tried to take blood from. Again, I miss the phlebotomist from my old RE's office. She was wonderful! C has had to remind me that the new RE is a lot more thoroughly than the old one. I know we made the right choice switching, it's just that things were way more convenient at the old Re's office.

Started taking Vitamin D no problems there! After receiving some really good advice I'm seriously considering putting the IVF on hold while I have some more tests run. I'm going to call and talk to the RE on Monday. I just want to make sure I do everything in my power not to miscarry again; that's if we are lucky enough to become pregnant. Thanks for the support and advice I really appreciate all of you.