Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day Two

Yesterday afternoon I was blessed with Aunt Flow arriving. She was a few days early this month and this generally doesn't happen to me. So here we go with IVF #2. The first time I was excited, but this time I am just freaking out. Constantly questioning myself is this the right decision? I didn't have that the first time around. Maybe I was just more naive about what my body would have to go through. I was definitely naive about having a miscarriage. I thought to myself no God would let me lose my baby after years of struggling to get pregnant. But my guardian angel must have been on vacation because it happened. Now a year after the miscarriage we are trying IVF again. I had my blood taken yesterday since my doctor agreed to run a few more tests to make sure everything looks good, (since I am stressing out that something could be wrong.) I had my blood taking this morning to find out my FSH level and tomorrow morning I have my first ultrasound. I'm scared. I don't want to be but I am. I'm having cold feet. I still want to be a mother and have a baby with C more than anything in the world, but this time I'm just plain nervous. I know what can happen.

Driving home last night, I asked for a sign that this was the right thing to do, and a Dove sat on our deck watching me make dinner. This has to be some type of sign right? I'm not a very religious person, but I'm definitely spiritually and I'm definitely looking for signs. Driving home from work tonight I was thinking about how much money this was costing us and realizing we were still short. When I opened the mail tonight our credit card company had sent us checks that can be used with 0% interest as long as its paid off before June 2012. Now I'm not a big fan of us taking on more debt but this seems like another sign right? Than why am I still scared. Maybe its because I'm not much of a gambler. I dont like my 50/50 odds. I would never go into a casino and put this kind of money on black; I would be having anxiety about seeing red. Life is a risk; I know this. I also know that this has been a long journey and without the IVF our dreams of being parents probably wont happen. I'm going to get up at dawn and drive to my ultrasound appointment. I just wish I wasn't so nervous about it!

1 comment:

  1. Of course you're nervous - this is scary stuff! I can definitely relate to the thoughts of now you know what can happen. But you have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hope that you're on the right path. I'm not hugely into signs either, but a dove sitting on your deck and 0% interest for a year both sound very encouraging. You have to take a deep breath, and take the plunge! And I'll be here every step of the way...