Happy Friday, the thirteenth everyone! I can't believe I have been away from my blog for so long. Life has been crazy,working three jobs, and trying to navigate friendships, family and this world of IF is certainly keeping me busy. I miss writing, I miss just watching a movie, I miss lazy days of having nothing to do. But I love teaching, and I realize I have to work like crazy if we want to start a family. I wish money wasn't always an issue. I guess I better start playing the lotto.
I just got home from having dinner with some girlfriends, and it was lovely. Honestly, I didn't want to go out. But since C. (my DH) left for a fishing trip, and I was dealing with a lot of peer pressure I caved in and went out. It was great to catch up with some good friends who have been a part of my crazy journey for as long as I can remember. I truly love these girls! I know I've been neglecting a lot of my relationships lately, but the truth is I feel guilty when I go out. Teaching and working three places has taking a lot out of me. There is always a paper to grade, a lesson to plan, and grades to calculate. I love it, but it is definitely a learning curve, and I'm looking forward to the beginning of May to get a little break. Although it looks like I may now be teaching a few summer classes, but I definitely will not be as busy as I am now. I feel that I'm drifting away from a lot of people, especially my BFF who is like my sister. She has had a lot of health issues and I've tried to support her as much as possible. I also adore her son who is six; we really do have a special bond. I truly love them. Her health has finally approved and she has been getting out doing more. I feel guilty that I've been working so much and haven't had a ton of time for them. Two weeks ago she told me that she had done some research to find my ex husband and had called him. She had to leave a message and she was hoping that she would get to hang out with him. I was stunned. In fairness, they had a mutual friend who passed away recently, and she wanted to talk to him about that, but she has not seen my ex husband in ten years. We have been divorced for ten years. I have been married to my current husband for almost seven. She wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with them? Seriously? My ex husband is an alcoholic. From what she has learned he is still drinking, and he has lost his drivers license again. I'm not surprised. At one time I loved him with all of my heart, I wish him well, but I don't want that life again. I don't want to hang out with him. I cant understand why my BF wants to hang out with him either. This just seems so unhealthy and frankly weird. I normally talk to her several times a week, but we have only texted a few times in the last several weeks. I miss her, but I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to let the friendship go, but I don't want to live in the past. If I'm being truly honest, I feel betrayed. Why would she choose this? Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I often wonder why life has to be so complicated?
I have also been fighting with my insurance company all week for my referral to have my blood drawn. The medical biller (and the girl who writes the referral's)at my primary doctor's office has turned out to be, excuse my language, but a b****. She refuse to work with my fertility specialist and even hung up on them. Very professional, right? My referral is now "pending" and my insurance company has until Thursday to decide if they will pay for the tests for me. Seriously, I'm starting to think that insurance companies make things so difficult for you that you finally just give up. Either way I have the appointment for our blood to be drawn on Thursday. I'm so tired of waiting, and we really can't move on until we get the results from these tests. If I have to pay; I will appeal. Oh, and we need a new roof, that is going to cost a million dollars. So that's how my luck is going. I'm just hoping that all my luck is being stored and saved for my frozen babies. I really hope I get my miracle this year; I'm getting tired. In the meantime, I'm giving myself the rest of the evening off, drinking a Summer Shandy, catching up on all of your blogs, and maybe even watching a good movie!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Moving on and keeping strong
This week I finally had my appointment with my family doctor to receive my referral to have my blood work completed to find out if I have "natural killer cells" The appointment did not got as I expected, but in the end my doctor said she would make sure my referral was written, and would support whatever decision I made. The truth is I would have the tests done without the referral. I think it's important at this point in the game. But if I can save over $800 with the referral, I'm happy to jump through the hoops, as you guys know IF is not cheap! My family doctor thinks I should take a step back from trying to become pregnant again and focus on adoption. I'm open to adoption. I would love to adopt and it's been on my mind a lot lately. But as all of you know it's not an easy process. It's not like I can run over to the local Target and pick up a baby, and I still have those two frozen embryos that I would love to become a little baby that I carry home from the hospital someday. My family doctor thinks my body has been through a lot and the fact that I'm turning 39 in November doesn't help my odds. OH MY God am I really going to be 39? Where has the time gone? She made some valid points and I believe that there is a time that we all have to throw in the towel. But I also believe that it's not my time. I do believe it's time to get more involved in the adoption process though, to start finding out more information and looking at organizations that we would be a good fit for. I started researching before but became overwhelmed with all of the information available. As much as I love teaching college I'm looking forward to the end of April when the semester ends. This will give me more time to research and also prepare my body for our last two embryos. Today I believe that if I really want to be a mother I can make it happen. I just hope it's sooner rather than later!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Short Spring Break
First of all thank you so much for all of the positive comments on my post last week. I was feeling pretty down, and like always, you guys made me feel better. I'm feeling much better this week, motivated, and ready to take on the world! This is officially my spring break at the school I teach at the most, but since I actually work at three places this is my first day off! I have really been looking forward to having four days off from working, but I'm quickly realizing I have a lot to do! As much as I love teaching, I think I will be in a better place once the end of April arrives. I realize that I have taken on to much, which leads me to becoming easily frustrated. The fact is that there is simply not enough time for me to get everything I want done. But as they say there is no rest for the wicked, and in my world having a baby has become very expensive which means I need to work, a lot! During summer, I will only be teaching one class and working 20-24 hours at my part-time job. This will seem like a vacation compared to what I'm doing now! We will be poor, but happy. I'm planning on using our frozen embies in May, as long as everything goes as planned. Hopefully there will be no additional expenses. I'm feeling optimistic that things are going to go well. Three is a lucky number right? So maybe, just maybe, on our third attempt things will work out right. This has been a long road. Like many of you, I have friends that have several children who started "trying" the same time we did. Sometimes this gets me down and leaves me questioning if I'm really meant to be a mother. But, I know in my heart that I am meant to be a mother. I'm keeping the faith and believing with all of my heart that I will end up where I'm suppose to be. I will end up being a mother. I hate that any of us have to go on this difficult journey, but I'm thankful for your support and I'm feeling blessed that all of you have been along for my ride. This morning I'm planning on catching up on all of your blogs and than moving on to the dreaded taxes. An exciting vacation right?
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Blues
This weekend I wish I had more energy. I made a list of 25 things that I wanted to get accomplished, and I hate to admit it but only two items have been crossed off; which means I really need to get my act together today. I know the problem is me; honestly I don't feel like doing anything. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head Friday afternoon with a ferocity I haven't felt in awhile. I managed to go to an early dinner with a few close girlfriends on Friday night, and haven't been back out in the world since. Truthfully,I didn't want to go, but in the end I'm glad I did. They always make me laugh and make me feel better. However, I now have no desire to leave the house, or even return friends phone calls. I'm crabby and have no energy to give. I truly may have the blues! The pain yesterday was horrible, making it a day filled with Tylenol, resting, and I admit a few glasses of wine. My poor liver. This morning I'm feeling better, just lazy, unmotivated, tired, and I'm starting to have self-doubt; questioning if it isn't time to get out of the baby making ring. Days like yesterday make me wonder how much fight I still have left in me.
In other news, I went to see my high school girlfriend's baby last weekend, and he is adorable. He slept the whole time I was there, which was alright: I didn't have a strong desire to hold him. I don't think it would have upset me; I think I'm just nervous around newbies. I left there feeling excited, even though my friend S. hadn't planned on being a mother, I could tell she was going to be a good one, and that left me feeling content and leaving my heart in a warm place. Now if only I can get my heart back to that warm place today.
In other news, I went to see my high school girlfriend's baby last weekend, and he is adorable. He slept the whole time I was there, which was alright: I didn't have a strong desire to hold him. I don't think it would have upset me; I think I'm just nervous around newbies. I left there feeling excited, even though my friend S. hadn't planned on being a mother, I could tell she was going to be a good one, and that left me feeling content and leaving my heart in a warm place. Now if only I can get my heart back to that warm place today.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Where Does The Time Go?
I remember when I was a kid and all the adults around me would talk about the time passing so fast. I thought they were crazy. But now in my late thirties I understand what they mean. It seems like just yesterday I turned 30, and today we have a niece that is turning 20. Seriously? Am I old enough to have a niece that is 20? I guess so. I really hope she doesn't have children before we do, that would be a tough one to swallow. I was really, really hoping to be pregnant again by now. I wanted to have a baby this year, in 2012, the year of the dragon. But the process is moving slow and it doesn't look like that will happen. I also wanted to have a baby on 11/11/11 and somehow survived that not happening. Funny how in life we are forced to just move on. Time stops for none of us, and at this point I would rather be cautious than to rush through and end up with more heartache.
The lady from the lab in Boston called me about what needs to happen regarding my blood work for the Natural Killer Cells. I have two options. One I can call around my local labs and find out if anyone will be able to perform this test if I bring in the kit and materials. Or I can use the labs third party phlebotomist who will come out to my house or work and draw my blood for an additional $50. Who knew that there were mobile phlebotomists? This may be a better option for me since I'm assuming the mobile guy or girl would be more familiar with this test, but something about this process seems a little strange to me. I can't shake the image of a strange man showing up at my door, with a pale face saying, "I'm here for your blood!" The lady from the lab is sending me the kits and instructions so hopefully things will come more together when the package arrives. The blood work will cost us $820 unless I can get a referral from my primary doctor (family doctor) stating that I need these tests done. It seems odd to me that I have to go visit my family doctor for this, but if I can save over $800 I'm willing to give it a shot.
I recently had a friend from high school have a baby, and I'm going to visit her and the baby this weekend. Her pregnancy was unplanned, but for whatever reason I'm feeling alright with her having a baby. Even though she is one of my only friends that I thought would never become a mother. When she was married in her twenties she tried to start her family. She didn't have a problem getting pregnant, but she suffered five early losses. The marriage fell apart and she has been single all of her thirties. I broke my rule and went to her baby shower, I survived it without any tears. I've bought gifts for her son and I'm excited to meet him. I'm not sure what this means for me, a year ago I'm not sure I could have stomached all of this. Right now I feel good about seeing her baby, maybe because she has been my friend for so long, maybe because she is my age and this leaves me hopeful for myself, or maybe because I know life certainly has not been easy for her. I'm not sure. I do know that I'm really starting to think God has a strange sense of humor.
The lady from the lab in Boston called me about what needs to happen regarding my blood work for the Natural Killer Cells. I have two options. One I can call around my local labs and find out if anyone will be able to perform this test if I bring in the kit and materials. Or I can use the labs third party phlebotomist who will come out to my house or work and draw my blood for an additional $50. Who knew that there were mobile phlebotomists? This may be a better option for me since I'm assuming the mobile guy or girl would be more familiar with this test, but something about this process seems a little strange to me. I can't shake the image of a strange man showing up at my door, with a pale face saying, "I'm here for your blood!" The lady from the lab is sending me the kits and instructions so hopefully things will come more together when the package arrives. The blood work will cost us $820 unless I can get a referral from my primary doctor (family doctor) stating that I need these tests done. It seems odd to me that I have to go visit my family doctor for this, but if I can save over $800 I'm willing to give it a shot.
I recently had a friend from high school have a baby, and I'm going to visit her and the baby this weekend. Her pregnancy was unplanned, but for whatever reason I'm feeling alright with her having a baby. Even though she is one of my only friends that I thought would never become a mother. When she was married in her twenties she tried to start her family. She didn't have a problem getting pregnant, but she suffered five early losses. The marriage fell apart and she has been single all of her thirties. I broke my rule and went to her baby shower, I survived it without any tears. I've bought gifts for her son and I'm excited to meet him. I'm not sure what this means for me, a year ago I'm not sure I could have stomached all of this. Right now I feel good about seeing her baby, maybe because she has been my friend for so long, maybe because she is my age and this leaves me hopeful for myself, or maybe because I know life certainly has not been easy for her. I'm not sure. I do know that I'm really starting to think God has a strange sense of humor.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday Updates
It's funny in the Infertility World how quickly our moods can change. It really is a hell of a ride, and anyone who decides to travel this road, must decide to buckle up for the long haul. I have learned this road is not for the faint of heart. In my real life (not that this blog and you guys are not real)I have friends who struggle with infertility. Not many, but a few. I always feel like I should have words of wisdom for them since I have been in the trenches longer than most. I try to offer support, advice and have wiped more than one tear. But so many of these decisions come down to what is right for us. I truly believe that we need to know when it's time to move on and continue to pursue our BFP and when it's time to stop, and get off the track. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices. I was thinking that we were going to be done. That I could not handle another disappointment, but I keep reminded myself about those two frozen embryos, and I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe one of them could be our lucky break; especially if they could find something wrong with me. If only they good fix my broken body, and maybe they can.
Last week at my appointment with Dr D, I vented my frustrations to him; that I felt like I just kept spinning my wheels and I left disappointed. I left still without answers. Sure my thyroid is a little off and I have a low dose of MTHFR (Mother F*****) but he doesn't feel like this is enough to cause my problems of infertility and loss. It's really hard for me to get my head around that medical science still does not have an answer. Why is it so difficult for me and many others to get pregnant and stay pregnant? Why can't we get pregnant on our own, and why have we miscarried our two precious babies that resulted from IVF? Why am I still a mother without a child? How can I and many others be such a medical mystery?
This week, one of my favorite nurses from Dr. D's office called me with some information, and explaining they would like me to do more tests. Apparently, Dr D has another patient who has a similar history as mine and recently went to another doctor for a second opinion. The new doctor tested her for Natural Killer Cells and she ended up testing positive. This is what has caused her infertility and miscarriages. Has anyone tested positive for this or no anyone who has? From what I have read online it appears that this is when the immune system works to well and immediately kills off any pregnancy. The body recognizes a foreign object and rejects it. Could it be that this whole time my own body has been working against me?
I will be having the testing done soon. Unfortunately, it seems the closest lab to me that currently offers this testing is a few states away. But they should be calling me next week to let me know my options. Apparently, this is treatable with the proper medication. Is it really possible that they might figure out what is wrong with me? Is it possible that I may actually get to have a baby? I can't believe that I'm actually excited to know that something might be wrong with me.
Today I'm really proud of my doctor. It would have been easy for him to not follow up with another doctor or get involved with new research that he knows nothing about. He seems to be taking an innovative, and really seems concerned to help his patients reach their dreams of having a baby. Hold on tight, this journey isn't over yet! I'm officially getting back into the trenches!
Last week at my appointment with Dr D, I vented my frustrations to him; that I felt like I just kept spinning my wheels and I left disappointed. I left still without answers. Sure my thyroid is a little off and I have a low dose of MTHFR (Mother F*****) but he doesn't feel like this is enough to cause my problems of infertility and loss. It's really hard for me to get my head around that medical science still does not have an answer. Why is it so difficult for me and many others to get pregnant and stay pregnant? Why can't we get pregnant on our own, and why have we miscarried our two precious babies that resulted from IVF? Why am I still a mother without a child? How can I and many others be such a medical mystery?
This week, one of my favorite nurses from Dr. D's office called me with some information, and explaining they would like me to do more tests. Apparently, Dr D has another patient who has a similar history as mine and recently went to another doctor for a second opinion. The new doctor tested her for Natural Killer Cells and she ended up testing positive. This is what has caused her infertility and miscarriages. Has anyone tested positive for this or no anyone who has? From what I have read online it appears that this is when the immune system works to well and immediately kills off any pregnancy. The body recognizes a foreign object and rejects it. Could it be that this whole time my own body has been working against me?
I will be having the testing done soon. Unfortunately, it seems the closest lab to me that currently offers this testing is a few states away. But they should be calling me next week to let me know my options. Apparently, this is treatable with the proper medication. Is it really possible that they might figure out what is wrong with me? Is it possible that I may actually get to have a baby? I can't believe that I'm actually excited to know that something might be wrong with me.
Today I'm really proud of my doctor. It would have been easy for him to not follow up with another doctor or get involved with new research that he knows nothing about. He seems to be taking an innovative, and really seems concerned to help his patients reach their dreams of having a baby. Hold on tight, this journey isn't over yet! I'm officially getting back into the trenches!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Colds and Frustrations
Yesterday I had my meeting with Dr D. He was very kind and understood my frustration. He can still not provide me with all of the information that I need; I understand, but it just seems that with all the technology we have these days we would have so much more figured out. If you didn't read my last post, I recently found out I have MTHFR or Mother F*****!
Dr D stated that even though I did show up positive for hetro MTHFR, he didn't believe my levels were high enough to cause a miscarriage, especially since I did take a baby aspirin as a precaution during both my failed pregnancies. But, if we continue down this road he will increase my folic acid, have me take a baby aspirin, and put me on Lovenox.
Since I have been working with Dr D; he found my thyroid had a problem which I'm now on medication for. But my thyroid wasn't off that much, in some circles of doctors my thyroid levels would still be considered "normal" and this may not be why I miscarried either. Now I have MTHFR, but at my levels Dr D doesn't believe it would be enough to cause miscarriages. He thinks something else is going on with me, but simply doesn't know what it is. There are no more tests. He explained to me that in ten or fifteen years from now it probably will be very obvious what it is, for now there are no answers. Since I'm 38, I do not have 10-15 years to wait around.
On paper there are still no definite answers of why we have not been able to conceive on our own and on paper there are no answers why are two IVFs that resulted in pregnancy ended in failure. All I know for sure is that I've always wanted to be a mother, that I have been married six years to an amazing man that I can not seem to have a child with. Six years of no birth control, clomid, Gonal F, four rounds of IUIs, and two IVFs that resulted in two loses. All I know is that I still have nothing to show for all of this. Yes, I'm frustrated. The only good thing is that I will never have to worry about birth control! To top it off, I woke up this morning with a horrible cold, and had to go teach a class. What normally flows naturally for me seemed like a train wreck. I hope I'm feeling back on my game soon!
In the meantime, Dr D will be talking to another doctor he works with about my case. The other doctor has found some new research which could benefit me, but he's not sure yet. He didn't want to give me too much info in case I don't fit the profile. Sigh! If nothing comes from that should I get another opinion? Dr D is my third specialist and has been able to provide me with more answers than the first two, but I'm always left wanting more. It simply seems like the answers I want aren't there. Maybe they will never be.
Now I have to make some decisions, which I dread. I have two frozen embryos left, apparently number threes, no one or twos but threes. So maybe they are crappy embryos, but they are our embryos and I love them crappy or not. I'm sure it seems odd someone saying that they love their frozen embryos, but I do, and knowing that they have been waiting there has been giving me some hope. But to be reminded that the A's and B's are gone and only the C's remain was like pushing me down yesterday. But C students can do great things too right? Maybe these little number threes could work? Dr D believes I should do another round of IVF to try to get some 1s and 2s to mix in with the 3s. If this was free, or I had a money tre in my backyard I would be ready tomorrow. But I don't. I have a 25% chance with the 3's (if they both thaw properly) of course I have a much higher chance if we do a new cycle but that's a lot more money that we just don't have. I'm willing to go into debt (we already have) but the whole thing is becoming overwhelmingly frightened. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn. What to do? What to do? Wait and do a fresh cycle? Just transfer the two embryos I have? Get off this road and pursue adoption? Any good advice anyone has would be appreciated. I'm really just at a loss on what to do here. I want a guarantee and I realize there are no guarantees on this road I'm traveling! I'm hoping all of you are healthy and having a better week.
Dr D stated that even though I did show up positive for hetro MTHFR, he didn't believe my levels were high enough to cause a miscarriage, especially since I did take a baby aspirin as a precaution during both my failed pregnancies. But, if we continue down this road he will increase my folic acid, have me take a baby aspirin, and put me on Lovenox.
Since I have been working with Dr D; he found my thyroid had a problem which I'm now on medication for. But my thyroid wasn't off that much, in some circles of doctors my thyroid levels would still be considered "normal" and this may not be why I miscarried either. Now I have MTHFR, but at my levels Dr D doesn't believe it would be enough to cause miscarriages. He thinks something else is going on with me, but simply doesn't know what it is. There are no more tests. He explained to me that in ten or fifteen years from now it probably will be very obvious what it is, for now there are no answers. Since I'm 38, I do not have 10-15 years to wait around.
On paper there are still no definite answers of why we have not been able to conceive on our own and on paper there are no answers why are two IVFs that resulted in pregnancy ended in failure. All I know for sure is that I've always wanted to be a mother, that I have been married six years to an amazing man that I can not seem to have a child with. Six years of no birth control, clomid, Gonal F, four rounds of IUIs, and two IVFs that resulted in two loses. All I know is that I still have nothing to show for all of this. Yes, I'm frustrated. The only good thing is that I will never have to worry about birth control! To top it off, I woke up this morning with a horrible cold, and had to go teach a class. What normally flows naturally for me seemed like a train wreck. I hope I'm feeling back on my game soon!
In the meantime, Dr D will be talking to another doctor he works with about my case. The other doctor has found some new research which could benefit me, but he's not sure yet. He didn't want to give me too much info in case I don't fit the profile. Sigh! If nothing comes from that should I get another opinion? Dr D is my third specialist and has been able to provide me with more answers than the first two, but I'm always left wanting more. It simply seems like the answers I want aren't there. Maybe they will never be.
Now I have to make some decisions, which I dread. I have two frozen embryos left, apparently number threes, no one or twos but threes. So maybe they are crappy embryos, but they are our embryos and I love them crappy or not. I'm sure it seems odd someone saying that they love their frozen embryos, but I do, and knowing that they have been waiting there has been giving me some hope. But to be reminded that the A's and B's are gone and only the C's remain was like pushing me down yesterday. But C students can do great things too right? Maybe these little number threes could work? Dr D believes I should do another round of IVF to try to get some 1s and 2s to mix in with the 3s. If this was free, or I had a money tre in my backyard I would be ready tomorrow. But I don't. I have a 25% chance with the 3's (if they both thaw properly) of course I have a much higher chance if we do a new cycle but that's a lot more money that we just don't have. I'm willing to go into debt (we already have) but the whole thing is becoming overwhelmingly frightened. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn. What to do? What to do? Wait and do a fresh cycle? Just transfer the two embryos I have? Get off this road and pursue adoption? Any good advice anyone has would be appreciated. I'm really just at a loss on what to do here. I want a guarantee and I realize there are no guarantees on this road I'm traveling! I'm hoping all of you are healthy and having a better week.
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