Peace

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support! We went away for the weekend and it was exactly what I needed. I'm feeling peaceful and calm and I've decided that adoption will be the right thing for us. I'm excited about no more doctor appointments, no more needles, no more ultrasounds or blood work. I wish things would have turned out differently but I'm excited about the future. I know that somehow, someway I will become a mom. I know the road to adoption will be difficult, but IVF was difficult, miscarriages were difficult and a failed FET was difficult. I'm so proud of all of you who continue with fertility treatments and IVF. But for me, at least right now it just doesn't feel right anymore. I want to be a mother. I'm ready to start the adoption process. Now if I only can pick out an agency and figure out which direction to go. I will still get to be a mother! Someday! Somehow!

The Universe

Things have been strange as  I recover from may failed FET. I have moments where I feel great and optimistic about the future. Other moments I am reminded that I failed at our last attempt to have a baby and that the likelihood of me ever becoming pregnant and giving birth to a child probably will not happen. I still believe in miracles, but I'm also being realistic at this point.

We had a great time camping over the fourth. It was an adult weekend with a tubing trip. It was fun. I didn't think about children. But when the weekend was over and we were driving home; I started to cry. I want to be camping with my kids! My kids that may never come and that is frightening!

I realize now how much hope I had in those two little frozen embryos. My doctor called and left a message about how sorry he was. His message sounded so sincere it brought me to tears. He wants me to come back; he still believes he can help me. I'm not sure that is the right thing. We had decided that this would be our last shot. We had decided that we have spent just to much time and money spinning our wheels. But than the What Ifs come into my head! What If we do it again and it works?

I have a cousin whose daughter has been on and off in foster care. His wife overdosed and passed away shortly after their daughter was born. My cousin has never been stable. He also has drug dependencies and responsibility issues which makes me think he wont be able to raise his daughter on his own. He is currently living in another state. We have offered time and time again to take his daughter, which he has graciously declined. He feels that he can work through the system and raise his daughter. Last night I had dinner with his mom, who informed me that my cousin is thinking about having his dad and step-mom raise his daughter, even though he has never had a good relationship with either. His mom told me that my other cousin who I'm pretty close to thought that this would be in the best interest of his daughter. This was another slap in the face for me. If  I can't get my own family to pick me to raise their child, how will a stranger pick me? Talk about feeling like shit. Now my fear is What if we never get picked?

I've started researching adoption agencies; there are a ton of them. Should I go through foster care? Domestic infant, international or an older child waiting for a home adoption?

I read a wonderful post this week about listening to the universe. It makes sense when the universe talks we should listen. My problem is I'm not hearing anything. I want the universe to talk to me as crazy as that sounds! So if you are listening Universe I could take a little guidance now! The only thing I know for sure is I want a family. I want to be a mom! And if it isn't meant to be then why wont this feeling go away?

Nothing has Changed

Well I had the second blood test done today, like the nurse recommended and nothing has changed. I'm still at a one, actually .5. So I'm  definately not pregnant, although I really already knew that. But some strange part of me was still hoping for a miracle, as weird as that sounds. In the near future I need to move on to Plan B, whatever Plan B ends up being. I looked at adoption and foster care before but honestly I became so overwhelmed with all of the reserach out there. Should we try foster care? Should we try to adopt in our state? In a different state? Internationally? Truthfully, I dont know where to start. Does anyone know a good place to start?

I want to start researching. I want to have goals. But I also know I need a little time to heal before I take another plunge. Truthfully, I would not be up for another disappointment right now. I'm going to try to enjoy the summer, focus on my job, and my amazing family and friends. Thanks again for all of your love and support. I will be catching up with all of your blogs shortly!

One can be an ugly number

First of all thank-you for the love and support. I wish I had better news to report. I wish my journey was taking a different direction. I really thought since my last two embies made it through the thaw; that they would be my fighters the ones that would make it. That they would grow, and I would have a birth story to share. I thought, or hoped that next March I would be a mother. My Beta came in today at 1. Yes, one as in uno, definitely negative the nurse explained. She said to stop all of my meds, have another blood test done on Thursday for protocol, and make a WTH went wrong appointment with Dr. D.

I wasn't ready yet to throw in the towel. I knew my number would be low since I received a negative on both home pregnancy tests, but I was hoping it would be even  maybe a five.  I would take a five. I'm not sure if I will do the second pregnancy test on Thursday, or make the WTF went wrong appointment with Dr. D. I'm not sure it matters what went wrong since I know we will be not trying again. It makes me sad to think I will never experience pregnancy, but I also know it's time to stop treatment. IF has stolen lots of time and money from me, and I know longer feel like being on this roller coaster. I believe for me it's time to stop. Maybe I will change my mind, since the future is always uncertain. I do know I could love any child and in the future we will need to make some tough choices about adoption and foster care. Again, I know with that  road there are also no certainties. The one thing I truly have learned is that in life there are no certainties; we truly can take nothing for granted. I'm not ready to throw in the towel of becoming a mother. But I can't help thinking maybe we are meant to be child-free. I love my husband, family, friends and work, maybe I should just be content and grateful with what I have. But damn it I really want to be a mother! For now, I have to get through teaching my summer classes and I will be planning a well deserved vacation in August! Thanks again for all of your support!

Disappointed

This morning I'm feeling so disappointed. The second pregnancy test still came up negative with the words clearly Not Pregnant. I'm feeling less optimistic at this point since my actual BETA is tomorrow, but I'm still not ready to throw in the towel. Maybe my BETA numbers are just to low to show up on the home test. Maybe I will stay in denial for one more day. I want to believe the test is wrong, but it seems unlikely at this point. I felt like it was a miracle for our last two guys to even make it through the thaw. This will more than likely be our last attempt, and I really believed that one of these little guys would make it. I'm going to get out of this funk, head to work, and pray for better results tomorrow. I hope all of you are having a better Monday morning!

Uncertainty

I hate the uncertainty of this journey. I hate the wait. I hate not knowing if I will end up being a mother. I broke down and took a pregnancy test and the words clearly read NOT Pregnant. My official pregnancy test is not until Tuesday, so I'm hoping it is just to early. I wish I wouldn't have tested. Now I'm left with more uncertainty is it to early, or is this not the cycle for me. What do you girls think, to early or should it be accurate at this point?

They Made IT!

Thanks everyone for all of the positive thoughts and prayers! Both of our frozen embryos made it to the transfer, and hopefully if we are real lucky they will hang around for nine months to become our miracle babies. Dr D said one was really good, and the other was OK. I didn't ask for the grades this time; I just wanted to get them in me. I love them already! The transfer went smoothly and I rested away all weekend. I felt a little bad about missing Father's Day, but my dad understands this craziness we have been going through to have a baby and he is a pretty understanding, no pressure guy, at least now, I can't say that was always the case when I was growing up. My parents are now in their seventies and I know they would love to be grandparents, so hopefully this time will be the charm. I have a good feeling, but I don't want to get overexcited just to get knocked down. I know from experience a lot of things have to go right to take a baby home. I really hope this is our time! I took an extra day off work today, just so I know I did everything in my power to make this work. I always worry if I'm doing too much, or to little. But, I'm going to try not to worry and just try to be extremely careful. Today I'm happy. Even with a bruised ass from all the shots I'm happy. I could be on my way to finally becoming a mother!

Feeling Hopeful

I can't believe tomorrow is the day! We have to be at the clinic by 8:30 tomorrow, and it's a two hour drive for us, so it will be an early morning! I'm feeling hopeful. I'm staying positive! I'm praying for a miracle and that my little guys are thawing out correctly as I write this. The clinic hasn't called, and I'm taking the approach that no news is good news! I will be staying off the Internet this weekend, but I will catch up with you all next week. I will take any prayers and positive thoughts you can spare! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Shots and More Shots

I'm moving right along in this cycle. I started my progesterone shots last night. and wow does my butt hurt today. I'm only receiving 1 ml which doesn't seem like enough, it seems like last time I received 2 ml. I could be wrong, but I left a message for the nurse to call me just in case. Is there a normal amount of progesterone that is giving during FET? I'm started to get more nervous and excited for Friday, now that I realize it's just a few days away. I'm going to stay hopeful, eat pineapple, rest and try to laugh a lot. Any funny books or movies I should check out while I'm on bed rest? Thanks for all of your support!

Still Moving ON

I don't have a lot to report right now. Lately it just seems that time keeps passing by and I'm not getting any closer to my goals. My ultrasound on Friday went great, and I was informed that my lining looked perfect! I never knew I would be the girl talking about her uterus and perfect lining, Yes, life if funny. If everything goes well our two remaining frozen guys will be with me on Friday. I'm praying for a miracle. I've learned that hope is not a strategy but sometimes its all we've got! Anyways, this is suppose to be a luckier year, right? I hope all of you are having some luck and making your dreams come true!

Goodbye May-Hello June

I can't believe it is already the end of May, and tomorrow will be June. If all goes well my little frozen embryos will be placed in me on June 15th. I'm really hoping for a miracle here. We will be married for seven years in August and I naively believed I would be done having children by now. I believed by 38 (almost 39) I would already have two or three children. I was wrong! I have accepted that life is hard, and things often don't go as we plan. I have accepted that I may never have all the answers to my questions, at least in this lifetime, and wondering and pondering too long on unanswered questions will only make me crazy. I thought I was in a great place, until I drank way too much over the weekend. We went out of town and stayed with some of C.'s cousins who I adore and we all drank way too much. One of his cousins passed out; I wish I had. I became the drunk girl, who became irritated with other drunk people, and cried. Yes, I cried in front of strangers. UGH. I realize that I don't want to be that girl. I'm blaming it on the drugs making me out of whack. But who does that? Really? Who goes to someone's party out of town, gets drunk, mad and cries? This girl did, and I'm trying to move past it. In sixteen days my little guys will be placed inside me. This weekend I'm going to get our house in order; I suddenly feel that I need to be organized. I'm going to limit my alcohol and most likely just stay away all together, avoid caffeine and try to be as healthy as possible. Hopefully, my party days are over and in a few short weeks I will be on my way to being someones mother. I would give up all the parties in the world for that dream to come true. I know in my heart that this will be our last try to have a baby together, but thinking about that makes me feel too much pressure. Any tips to a successful FET? Number Three is the charm right. Isn't that how the saying goes?

It has begun......

So this cycle has begun; I started my Lupron shots on Wednesday, and so far no side effects. I actually am feeling pretty good. The weather here is warm, and my schedule is beginning to slow down a little, and for that I'm thankful. C's dad got married last weekend, and the whole event was rather stressful. His new wife is not someone that I would have choose for him, but I've learned to accept we can not choose who are loved ones fall in love with. At least it was a good distraction from Mother's Day, last Mother's day I had just found out I was pregnant and than we shortly miscarried. As I start this cycle I don't feel scared, nervous, or excited. I feel a little numb honestly. I feel hopeful, even though I know the odds are not in our favor. I feel like this probably will be the last time we roll the dice. I hope I get my miracle, but since I've been to this rodeo before, I know the outcome is out of my control. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

Happy Cinco De Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! I can't believe how long I've been away from my blog, so long it now even has a new look; which I'm not sure I love! Yesterday, was my last day of working three jobs for awhile, and I'm thankful. I will still be working two jobs over the summer (I wish it could be only one) but as you all know this journey is expensive. I'm looking forward to only working 35-40 hours a week. Of course I have an amazing list of things to do that should occupy most of my time. I wish we could hit the lotto so I could take the summer off. We are going to try to get pregnant again in June! Yes, June! I'm freaking out now, although I know so many things have to fall exactly in place for this to even work. Our frozen embryos might not make it to transfer, and even if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant, with my history there are no guarantees that I will carry to full term. But I'm taking a deep breath, and praying that our last two frozen babies will be our chance at parenthood. I'm so ready to leave the land of If..... Our test results came back negative for everything, except we have found out that I have MTHFR (Mother F*****) so our doctor is hopeful that with that being taken care of things will work out. He would prefer us to do a "fresh" round of IVF. But since we just had to take out a loan for a new roof, that is not in the cards for us. I start Lupron May 16th!I'm going to do some research on grants for IVF and look seriously into adoption now that I have more time. Honestly, if this round does not work for us I'm not sure we will pursue fertility treatments anymore, but I've said this before! Damn, I wish I didn't want to be a mother. Why do I feel so deeply in my soul that I'm meant to be a mother, when I can't get pregnant? I will take all the positive thoughts and prayers you can spare for our frozen guys, who I pray more than anything make it into this world. I'm going to catch up on all of your blogs this weekend and have a drink later for Cinco de Mayo! I hope things are going well for all of you. I have missed you guys!

Friday the Thirteenth

Happy Friday, the thirteenth everyone! I can't believe I have been away from my blog for so long. Life has been crazy,working three jobs, and trying to navigate friendships, family and this world of IF is certainly keeping me busy. I miss writing, I miss just watching a movie, I miss lazy days of having nothing to do. But I love teaching, and I realize I have to work like crazy if we want to start a family. I wish money wasn't always an issue. I guess I better start playing the lotto.

I just got home from having dinner with some girlfriends, and it was lovely. Honestly, I didn't want to go out. But since C. (my DH) left for a fishing trip, and I was dealing with a lot of peer pressure I caved in and went out. It was great to catch up with some good friends who have been a part of my crazy journey for as long as I can remember. I truly love these girls! I know I've been neglecting a lot of my relationships lately, but the truth is I feel guilty when I go out. Teaching and working three places has taking a lot out of me. There is always a paper to grade, a lesson to plan, and grades to calculate. I love it, but it is definitely a learning curve, and I'm looking forward to the beginning of May to get a little break. Although it looks like I may now be teaching a few summer classes, but I definitely will not be as busy as I am now. I feel that I'm drifting away from a lot of people, especially my BFF who is like my sister. She has had a lot of health issues and I've tried to support her as much as possible. I also adore her son who is six; we really do have a special bond. I truly love them. Her health has finally approved and she has been getting out doing more. I feel guilty that I've been working so much and haven't had a ton of time for them. Two weeks ago she told me that she had done some research to find my ex husband and had called him. She had to leave a message and she was hoping that she would get to hang out with him. I was stunned. In fairness, they had a mutual friend who passed away recently, and she wanted to talk to him about that, but she has not seen my ex husband in ten years. We have been divorced for ten years. I have been married to my current husband for almost seven. She wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with them? Seriously? My ex husband is an alcoholic. From what she has learned he is still drinking, and he has lost his drivers license again. I'm not surprised. At one time I loved him with all of my heart, I wish him well, but I don't want that life again. I don't want to hang out with him. I cant understand why my BF wants to hang out with him either. This just seems so unhealthy and frankly weird. I normally talk to her several times a week, but we have only texted a few times in the last several weeks. I miss her, but I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to let the friendship go, but I don't want to live in the past. If I'm being truly honest, I feel betrayed. Why would she choose this? Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I often wonder why life has to be so complicated?

I have also been fighting with my insurance company all week for my referral to have my blood drawn. The medical biller (and the girl who writes the referral's)at my primary doctor's office has turned out to be, excuse my language, but a b****. She refuse to work with my fertility specialist and even hung up on them. Very professional, right? My referral is now "pending" and my insurance company has until Thursday to decide if they will pay for the tests for me. Seriously, I'm starting to think that insurance companies make things so difficult for you that you finally just give up. Either way I have the appointment for our blood to be drawn on Thursday. I'm so tired of waiting, and we really can't move on until we get the results from these tests. If I have to pay; I will appeal. Oh, and we need a new roof, that is going to cost a million dollars. So that's how my luck is going. I'm just hoping that all my luck is being stored and saved for my frozen babies. I really hope I get my miracle this year; I'm getting tired. In the meantime, I'm giving myself the rest of the evening off, drinking a Summer Shandy, catching up on all of your blogs, and maybe even watching a good movie!

Moving on and keeping strong

This week I finally had my appointment with my family doctor to receive my referral to have my blood work completed to find out if I have "natural killer cells" The appointment did not got as I expected, but in the end my doctor said she would make sure my referral was written, and would support whatever decision I made. The truth is I would have the tests done without the referral. I think it's important at this point in the game. But if I can save over $800 with the referral, I'm happy to jump through the hoops, as you guys know IF is not cheap! My family doctor thinks I should take a step back from trying to become pregnant again and focus on adoption. I'm open to adoption. I would love to adopt and it's been on my mind a lot lately. But as all of you know it's not an easy process. It's not like I can run over to the local Target and pick up a baby, and I still have those two frozen embryos that I would love to become a little baby that I carry home from the hospital someday. My family doctor thinks my body has been through a lot and the fact that I'm turning 39 in November doesn't help my odds. OH MY God am I really going to be 39? Where has the time gone? She made some valid points and I believe that there is a time that we all have to throw in the towel. But I also believe that it's not my time. I do believe it's time to get more involved in the adoption process though, to start finding out more information and looking at organizations that we would be a good fit for. I started researching before but became overwhelmed with all of the information available. As much as I love teaching college I'm looking forward to the end of April when the semester ends. This will give me more time to research and also prepare my body for our last two embryos. Today I believe that if I really want to be a mother I can make it happen. I just hope it's sooner rather than later!

Short Spring Break

First of all thank you so much for all of the positive comments on my post last week. I was feeling pretty down, and like always, you guys made me feel better. I'm feeling much better this week, motivated, and ready to take on the world! This is officially my spring break at the school I teach at the most, but since I actually work at three places this is my first day off! I have really been looking forward to having four days off from working, but I'm quickly realizing I have a lot to do! As much as I love teaching, I think I will be in a better place once the end of April arrives. I realize that I have taken on to much, which leads me to becoming easily frustrated. The fact is that there is simply not enough time for me to get everything I want done. But as they say there is no rest for the wicked, and in my world having a baby has become very expensive which means I need to work, a lot! During summer, I will only be teaching one class and working 20-24 hours at my part-time job. This will seem like a vacation compared to what I'm doing now! We will be poor, but happy. I'm planning on using our frozen embies in May, as long as everything goes as planned. Hopefully there will be no additional expenses. I'm feeling optimistic that things are going to go well. Three is a lucky number right? So maybe, just maybe, on our third attempt things will work out right. This has been a long road. Like many of you, I have friends that have several children who started "trying" the same time we did. Sometimes this gets me down and leaves me questioning if I'm really meant to be a mother. But, I know in my heart that I am meant to be a mother. I'm keeping the faith and believing with all of my heart that I will end up where I'm suppose to be. I will end up being a mother. I hate that any of us have to go on this difficult journey, but I'm thankful for your support and I'm feeling blessed that all of you have been along for my ride. This morning I'm planning on catching up on all of your blogs and than moving on to the dreaded taxes. An exciting vacation right?

The Blues

This weekend I wish I had more energy. I made a list of 25 things that I wanted to get accomplished, and I hate to admit it but only two items have been crossed off; which means I really need to get my act together today. I know the problem is me; honestly I don't feel like doing anything. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head Friday afternoon with a ferocity I haven't felt in awhile. I managed to go to an early dinner with a few close girlfriends on Friday night, and haven't been back out in the world since. Truthfully,I didn't want to go, but in the end I'm glad I did. They always make me laugh and make me feel better. However, I now have no desire to leave the house, or even return friends phone calls. I'm crabby and have no energy to give. I truly may have the blues! The pain yesterday was horrible, making it a day filled with Tylenol, resting, and I admit a few glasses of wine. My poor liver. This morning I'm feeling better, just lazy, unmotivated, tired, and I'm starting to have self-doubt; questioning if it isn't time to get out of the baby making ring. Days like yesterday make me wonder how much fight I still have left in me.

In other news, I went to see my high school girlfriend's baby last weekend, and he is adorable. He slept the whole time I was there, which was alright: I didn't have a strong desire to hold him. I don't think it would have upset me; I think I'm just nervous around newbies. I left there feeling excited, even though my friend S. hadn't planned on being a mother, I could tell she was going to be a good one, and that left me feeling content and leaving my heart in a warm place. Now if only I can get my heart back to that warm place today.

Where Does The Time Go?

I remember when I was a kid and all the adults around me would talk about the time passing so fast. I thought they were crazy. But now in my late thirties I understand what they mean. It seems like just yesterday I turned 30, and today we have a niece that is turning 20. Seriously? Am I old enough to have a niece that is 20? I guess so. I really hope she doesn't have children before we do, that would be a tough one to swallow. I was really, really hoping to be pregnant again by now. I wanted to have a baby this year, in 2012, the year of the dragon. But the process is moving slow and it doesn't look like that will happen. I also wanted to have a baby on 11/11/11 and somehow survived that not happening. Funny how in life we are forced to just move on. Time stops for none of us, and at this point I would rather be cautious than to rush through and end up with more heartache.

The lady from the lab in Boston called me about what needs to happen regarding my blood work for the Natural Killer Cells. I have two options. One I can call around my local labs and find out if anyone will be able to perform this test if I bring in the kit and materials. Or I can use the labs third party phlebotomist who will come out to my house or work and draw my blood for an additional $50. Who knew that there were mobile phlebotomists? This may be a better option for me since I'm assuming the mobile guy or girl would be more familiar with this test, but something about this process seems a little strange to me. I can't shake the image of a strange man showing up at my door, with a pale face saying, "I'm here for your blood!" The lady from the lab is sending me the kits and instructions so hopefully things will come more together when the package arrives. The blood work will cost us $820 unless I can get a referral from my primary doctor (family doctor) stating that I need these tests done. It seems odd to me that I have to go visit my family doctor for this, but if I can save over $800 I'm willing to give it a shot.

I recently had a friend from high school have a baby, and I'm going to visit her and the baby this weekend. Her pregnancy was unplanned, but for whatever reason I'm feeling alright with her having a baby. Even though she is one of my only friends that I thought would never become a mother. When she was married in her twenties she tried to start her family. She didn't have a problem getting pregnant, but she suffered five early losses. The marriage fell apart and she has been single all of her thirties. I broke my rule and went to her baby shower, I survived it without any tears. I've bought gifts for her son and I'm excited to meet him. I'm not sure what this means for me, a year ago I'm not sure I could have stomached all of this. Right now I feel good about seeing her baby, maybe because she has been my friend for so long, maybe because she is my age and this leaves me hopeful for myself, or maybe because I know life certainly has not been easy for her. I'm not sure. I do know that I'm really starting to think God has a strange sense of humor.

Friday Updates

It's funny in the Infertility World how quickly our moods can change. It really is a hell of a ride, and anyone who decides to travel this road, must decide to buckle up for the long haul. I have learned this road is not for the faint of heart. In my real life (not that this blog and you guys are not real)I have friends who struggle with infertility. Not many, but a few. I always feel like I should have words of wisdom for them since I have been in the trenches longer than most. I try to offer support, advice and have wiped more than one tear. But so many of these decisions come down to what is right for us. I truly believe that we need to know when it's time to move on and continue to pursue our BFP and when it's time to stop, and get off the track. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about choices. I was thinking that we were going to be done. That I could not handle another disappointment, but I keep reminded myself about those two frozen embryos, and I couldn't help but think maybe, just maybe one of them could be our lucky break; especially if they could find something wrong with me. If only they good fix my broken body, and maybe they can.

Last week at my appointment with Dr D, I vented my frustrations to him; that I felt like I just kept spinning my wheels and I left disappointed. I left still without answers. Sure my thyroid is a little off and I have a low dose of MTHFR (Mother F*****) but he doesn't feel like this is enough to cause my problems of infertility and loss. It's really hard for me to get my head around that medical science still does not have an answer. Why is it so difficult for me and many others to get pregnant and stay pregnant? Why can't we get pregnant on our own, and why have we miscarried our two precious babies that resulted from IVF? Why am I still a mother without a child? How can I and many others be such a medical mystery?

This week, one of my favorite nurses from Dr. D's office called me with some information, and explaining they would like me to do more tests. Apparently, Dr D has another patient who has a similar history as mine and recently went to another doctor for a second opinion. The new doctor tested her for Natural Killer Cells and she ended up testing positive. This is what has caused her infertility and miscarriages. Has anyone tested positive for this or no anyone who has? From what I have read online it appears that this is when the immune system works to well and immediately kills off any pregnancy. The body recognizes a foreign object and rejects it. Could it be that this whole time my own body has been working against me?

I will be having the testing done soon. Unfortunately, it seems the closest lab to me that currently offers this testing is a few states away. But they should be calling me next week to let me know my options. Apparently, this is treatable with the proper medication. Is it really possible that they might figure out what is wrong with me? Is it possible that I may actually get to have a baby? I can't believe that I'm actually excited to know that something might be wrong with me.

Today I'm really proud of my doctor. It would have been easy for him to not follow up with another doctor or get involved with new research that he knows nothing about. He seems to be taking an innovative, and really seems concerned to help his patients reach their dreams of having a baby. Hold on tight, this journey isn't over yet! I'm officially getting back into the trenches!

Colds and Frustrations

Yesterday I had my meeting with Dr D. He was very kind and understood my frustration. He can still not provide me with all of the information that I need; I understand, but it just seems that with all the technology we have these days we would have so much more figured out. If you didn't read my last post, I recently found out I have MTHFR or Mother F*****!

Dr D stated that even though I did show up positive for hetro MTHFR, he didn't believe my levels were high enough to cause a miscarriage, especially since I did take a baby aspirin as a precaution during both my failed pregnancies. But, if we continue down this road he will increase my folic acid, have me take a baby aspirin, and put me on Lovenox.

Since I have been working with Dr D; he found my thyroid had a problem which I'm now on medication for. But my thyroid wasn't off that much, in some circles of doctors my thyroid levels would still be considered "normal" and this may not be why I miscarried either. Now I have MTHFR, but at my levels Dr D doesn't believe it would be enough to cause miscarriages. He thinks something else is going on with me, but simply doesn't know what it is. There are no more tests. He explained to me that in ten or fifteen years from now it probably will be very obvious what it is, for now there are no answers. Since I'm 38, I do not have 10-15 years to wait around.

On paper there are still no definite answers of why we have not been able to conceive on our own and on paper there are no answers why are two IVFs that resulted in pregnancy ended in failure. All I know for sure is that I've always wanted to be a mother, that I have been married six years to an amazing man that I can not seem to have a child with. Six years of no birth control, clomid, Gonal F, four rounds of IUIs, and two IVFs that resulted in two loses. All I know is that I still have nothing to show for all of this. Yes, I'm frustrated. The only good thing is that I will never have to worry about birth control! To top it off, I woke up this morning with a horrible cold, and had to go teach a class. What normally flows naturally for me seemed like a train wreck. I hope I'm feeling back on my game soon!

In the meantime, Dr D will be talking to another doctor he works with about my case. The other doctor has found some new research which could benefit me, but he's not sure yet. He didn't want to give me too much info in case I don't fit the profile. Sigh! If nothing comes from that should I get another opinion? Dr D is my third specialist and has been able to provide me with more answers than the first two, but I'm always left wanting more. It simply seems like the answers I want aren't there. Maybe they will never be.

Now I have to make some decisions, which I dread. I have two frozen embryos left, apparently number threes, no one or twos but threes. So maybe they are crappy embryos, but they are our embryos and I love them crappy or not. I'm sure it seems odd someone saying that they love their frozen embryos, but I do, and knowing that they have been waiting there has been giving me some hope. But to be reminded that the A's and B's are gone and only the C's remain was like pushing me down yesterday. But C students can do great things too right? Maybe these little number threes could work? Dr D believes I should do another round of IVF to try to get some 1s and 2s to mix in with the 3s. If this was free, or I had a money tre in my backyard I would be ready tomorrow. But I don't. I have a 25% chance with the 3's (if they both thaw properly) of course I have a much higher chance if we do a new cycle but that's a lot more money that we just don't have. I'm willing to go into debt (we already have) but the whole thing is becoming overwhelmingly frightened. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which direction to turn. What to do? What to do? Wait and do a fresh cycle? Just transfer the two embryos I have? Get off this road and pursue adoption? Any good advice anyone has would be appreciated. I'm really just at a loss on what to do here. I want a guarantee and I realize there are no guarantees on this road I'm traveling! I'm hoping all of you are healthy and having a better week.

Super Bowl Sunday and Updates

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! Once again, I'm running behind on my updates. I cant believe it is already February, it seems like just yesterday we were bringing in the New Year. The new semester is in full swing and working at three places is really keeping me busy. I love teaching college, but I admit I know I can't keep things up at this pace forever. I have also been taking a three week online class that just ended today. The class was really a lot more involved than I anticipated, but now I can sign up to teach classes online which could potential save me a lot of time and gas money. It sounds funny when you think about it, take a class online to teach online, but I guess it makes sense.

Dr D has been out of town but we have an appointment set up for this Thursday. One of the nurses did call me with my test results and there is a problem. I have MTHFR, which for now I'm referring to as mother f*****. Seriously? After all of this! I have mixed feelings, part of me is relieved they found something wrong, maybe, just maybe this will prevent me from having another miscarriage. But part of me is just pissed off, I specifically asked to be checked for this before my last round of IVF. Apparently, I was checked for some blood clotting disorders, but not all of them. Why not? I just don't understand why we have to experience loss before medical science intervenes. Seriously, between infertility and losses I understand the lesson that life isn't fair, but sometimes it sure seems like it could be a whole lot easier. I'm hoping to use our two last embryo babies in March and I'm hoping to have more answers on Thursday on how to proceed.

It seems like there are a lot of pregnant people in my life right now. I have three friends from high school who are currently pregnant. Part of me is really excited about this, since we will all be turning 39 this year, maybe my time has not run out. Maybe 40 is the new 30! But I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any sadness. There are times when I wonder will I really get a chance to be a mother? So many of my blogger friends are also pregnant or have already delivered your babies safely into the world. I'm so happy for you all, and after all of your heartache, sacrifices, and tears I couldn't be happier for you. But again I wonder will it ever be my turn. But I'm going out on a limb, I'm willing to take another chance, and I'm hoping and praying that I will get my turn. Really what more can a girl do? The only nice thing about not being pregnant is that I will be able to have a few beers later as I hang out and watch the Super Bowl. Love and Baby Dust to you all and as always thanks for your love and support!

The New Year/New Appointments

This afternoon I finally went in for my appointment with Dr. D. When I met with him back in the end of November we agreed that I should have more tests run before I have my two frozen embryos put in me. In December, I had a crap load of blood taken to recheck for blood clotting diseases and also check for some rare ones that they didn't check before. They also ran tests on all of my chromosomes. I'm still waiting for all of the results. It's a good thing I'm use to playing the waiting game. At this point, I will be totally crushed if all this time I have had something that a simple blood test would have revealed. But at the same time, I would be relieved to find out why I have miscarried and maybe, just maybe, if something can be fixed, and I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I can successfully deliver our child into the world. I'm still hopeful. This afternoon, I was lucky enough to have an endometriosis biopsy performed on me. Yes, I'm starting the year out right. It hurt, but was over quickly. Hopefully, I will be giving a clean bill of health and they won't find anything unusually with my uterus. They won't have the results for a week or two and I'm going to try to stop thinking about it. I have been walking around for days wondering if I have a hostile uterus, maybe it really is a dark, scary place where life can not grow. For now, I'm going to drink a glass a wine, catch up on all your blogs and think positive thoughts about lovely soil!