Almost the New Year

I'm slowly catching up with all of you and getting ready for the New Year. It's been an emotional year, and I'm ready to put it to rest. Many of you have experienced terrible losses and disappointments this year; my heart aches for all of you. But many of you have experienced tremendous joys; your baby's have arrived safely into the world, or you are moving right along in a health pregnancy and soon will meet your little bundle of joy. As much as I'm truly excited for you, I would be lying if I didn't say that part of me feels left behind. I continue to remain a mother without a child and if I dwell on it long enough it makes me depressed and feel a little crazy. So I try not to dwell and most of the time it works. Like today, I feel incredibly hopeful. If it can happen for you then maybe it can happen for me. Strike that, I can happen to me. I'm determined not to be a quitter; one way or another I'm going to make my dreams come true. This year has been rocky; I lost a baby early in my pregnancy this year, but I know I can get pregnant and I have two little frozen embryos waiting for me. I almost lost my BFF when her heart gave out on her, but she was able to receive a beautiful gift of a heart. She is doing extremely well after her heart transplant and should have many more quality years on this Earth. She was given the gift of life and will be able to raise her son. I started a new job that I love and have been able to pay off some of our debt. I have an amazing husband and family that I adore. I have incredible friends who remain supportive and you guys who read my blog and send me encouragement and love. Thank you so much for being there and convincing me not to throw in the towel. Things are not perfect, but I know they could be a lot worse. I'm going into 2012 knowing that miracles do happen and believing with all my heart that this will be my year for a miracle. If nothing else, I will know I gave it all I have, there will be no regrets. I hope all of you receive your miracle next year and your wildest dreams come true. Yes, I'm ready to put 2011 to bed. Happy New Year's!

11/11/11-Happy Wish Day!

11/11/11 seems to be a day full of babies being brought into the world and a day full of new beginnings. Happy Veteran's Day and Happy Make a Wish Day. I'm sorry that I have been gone for so long from my blog. I'm trying to catch up with all of you. Some of you have received wonderful news. My life changed and took a new direction in August and time has just flown away from me. I can't believe it is already November. In August, my best friend had to have a heart transplant at the age of thirty-seven. I learned a lot about the body and it's amazing strength. She is doing well and will be able to see her five year old son grow up due to advances in medicine and a loving individual and family who was strong enough to make a decision to leave their organs to others. As a side note, I signed up to be a organ donor recently. I'm hoping to live a long, long time but as I've learned with my struggle with infertility, no one knows what the future holds, there are no guarantees. In August, I also started two new jobs. I'm teaching at a community college and a local university. Both jobs are part time but I'm happy to have my foot in the door and I absolutely love teaching. It's a great feeling to feel like I'm actually doing what I was meant to do. Everything has been flowing easily but I have to admit at times the workload has been overwhelming. I don't care what anyone says teaching is a lot of work. I'm also still working part time as a career counselor. Yes, I am working three jobs and it has been crazy. My social life, my fertility treatments and my writing has all been put on hold. But for some reason I'm okay with this, I just keep trying to focus on the big picture. I've been able to make a bump in our debt and I finally feel ready to move forward. This weekend I'm taking some well deserved time off, drinking a glass of wine, going on a date with mu husband and trying to catch up on all of your blogs! Next week back to the fertility doctor and also time to get serious about adoption. I feel peaceful at least for the moment. I feel confident that we eventually will become parents and that I will one day become a mother! For now, I'm still wishing for my miracle and wishing the same for all of you no matter where you are in your journey!

MIA

I'm so sorry that I have been MIA for most of July. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I think I tried to get back into the real world to fast after my miscarriage in May and it ended up making me feel isolated and depressed. C and I have also been on edge with each other lately. I have been angry at the world and he can't seem to realize why I just can't move on. Sometimes I feel very stuck and indecisive about my journey. Sometimes I want to jump off this infertility roller coaster. I tell myself that many people live child free and are happy. Right? And other times I feel like I need to fight harder for my opportunity to be a mother. These are the days that I wished that I had a crystal ball. Our finances have been better, our marriage has been tested and a piece of my heart is broken. But it's time for me to make some decisions about what is next for us on this journey. I'm telling myself over and over again that someday I will be a mother. I'm holding on to my hope and faith because at times really what else do we have? C and I were able to get away for a few days last week and I think that has helped with my healing process. Sometimes one just has to get away and having a week off work especially helped. I really struggled to go back to work today and I realized I know longer love my job. I love the people I work with just not the job itself anymore. I somehow also developed a stye in my eye which has now become swollen. Yes. I love walking around with a swollen eyelid. The eye doctor put me on antibiotics and I'm hoping it goes away soon or he says I may need eye surgery. Really only I would have to have surgery because of a stye. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening catching up on every ones blogs. I really have missed you all and I appreciate the love and support you always have to offer.

What Ifs

Today has been a day of What Ifs for me. I hate the What Ifs. I know they are not healthy to have, but for right now, I just can't shake them. I'm sorry in advance that this post is rather depressing. The What Ifs are consuming me. The more soul searching I try to do, to figure out what's best for us, the more confused I become. I'm wondering how I went from being such a strong and confident woman to not having a clue on what to do next. How did these What Ifs all end up in my head? It leaves me scared about the future. What If I have another miscarriage? What If we do another round of IVF and it doesn't work? What If I can never carry a child to term? What If my eggs are too old? What If we never have the money to even consider doing IVF again or adoption? What If we go through with adoption and are never picked by a family? What If we fall in love and the birth mother changes her mind? What If there is no child out there that is meant to be with us? What IF I'm not meant to be a mother? I felt like I was handling everything so well but I cant seem to get these doubts out of my mind today. After four failed IUIs and two IVFs that resulted in two miscarriages, I can't help thinking maybe this isn't meant to be. But sadly, I still want a family. Maybe I will just get pregnant, by having sex, like everyone else does. A girl can dream can't she?

Dysfunctional Family Members and Foster Care

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback on my last post. I feel like I've been a bad blogger and haven't been writing much on my blog lately. But the truth is since we are on hold right now there isn't much to report. My goal is by July to have a solid plan on what to do next. I have learned through infertility that plans don't always work out like they should. But I always need a Plan A and a backup plan just in case Plan A doesn't work out. So having no plan right now seems strange and frustrating to me. This is the first time during this journey that I haven't been confident on what to do next. The indecisiveness is painful for me.
I have a cousin who is four years older than me; he has struggled on and off for the last twenty years with a drug addiction. His wife overdosed last year leaving their newborn daughter behind. My cousin who lives in another state than me lost custody of his daughter last November. I offered to take her so his daughter would not have to go into foster care. He refused saying he didn't want his daughter to leave the state where he lives and he would work the process to gain custody back of his daughter. Which he did. However, he recently has been arrested and his daughter has been placed once again in foster care. Again I offered to take his daughter which he agreed to this time but than quickly changed his mind. His mother is now trying to get guardianship which seems like a horrible idea since she doesn't have the financial means and is not emotionally stable. I love his mother but she attempted to commit suicide twice last year and refuses to accept treatment for her problems. She is depressed and bipolar. My cousin told another family member that he is afraid that if his daughter goes with me, "to a stable environment" he will never be able to get her back. I love my dysfunctional family members, but it irritates me behind words how they continuously make bad choices, now it doesn't just affect them but a innocent child. His daughter just celebrated her first birthday with her foster care family. I'm praying that she is with a fabulous family as I write this. I know that there are many wonderful foster care families out there but I have also heard some horror stories about the less than desirable families out there. I placed a call to my cousin's child case worker today but as of yet I have not heard back from her. His mother believes she will obtain guardianship later this week. This seems so ironic to me. My cousin easily brings a child into the world he can't care for while we and so many others struggle to bring a child home. Has anyone tried to navigate the foster care system while living in a different state than the child? I'm pretty sure the child will be placed with his mother at this point. Which I'm sure will not be the best situation for this child. I really want his daughter to have a good life, to have opportunities and be loved. I wonder if I could be strong enough to be a good foster parent? To fall in love with a child and than be ordered to send that child home, maybe even back into a less than desirable situation, sounds painful. But I would be willing to do it, especially for my cousin's daughter. Thanks for letting me vent. All of these thoughts seem to be racing through my mind right now.

What To Do Next?

I hate to admit it but I'm stuck on what to do next. I feel we are stuck at some important crossroads and I still have no idea on which way to go. Every decision has pro and cons and I'm scared of ending up on the wrong road. I want to be a mother. This is the only thing I'm sure about. Part of me wishes the feelings of wanting to be a mother would go away. Wouldn't my life be so much easier drinking wine and taking vacations? I could have traveled to a few exotic places by now, with all of the money we have spent on fertility treatments. I'm starting to doubt myself and wondering if I'm truly meant to be a mother. If I was meant to be a mother wouldn't it have happened by now? But, if it wasn't meant to be, why do I still dream of hearing pitter patter of little feet and holding a baby in my arms?

I thought I have been doing pretty well lately. Working, writing, getting out and visiting family and friends; but today I can't seem to shake the uncertainty of the future. Our journey, like many of yours, has been a crazy one. Cycles of Clomid, cycles of Gonal F, four failed IUI's and two rounds of IVF's which were both able to result in BFP's but unfortunately both also resulted in losses in the first trimester. It's hard not to become bitter when all the fertility bills start rolling in and you still have nothing to show for it. It's even harder for me to think about the two angels that I have lost, and what could have been. Do I want to put myself through that again?

So these are options:
1. Continue with fertility treatments
2. Start the adoption process to adopt an infant
3. Become foster parents
4. Do nothing and accept that we will probably be childless.

Thanks for letting me vent today!

The Future

We decided to get away for the weekend and I'm so glad we did. It was one of the best weekends I've had in awhile. It was nice to get away, shop, have a few drinks in a bar and watch the band, went to an art show and hung out at Lake Michigan. We got to visit with same family who knew nothing about my current loss. I tried not to stare at every pregnant lady I saw or small child. I was able to lose some of my sadness. I miss being pregnant, even though it was only for a short period. I miss thinking that we were going to have a baby coming in the end of December or early January. I wonder what my future holds. Will I ever get to be a mother? I've decided that I will use our frozen guys in August (assuming that everything goes well) and if that doesn't work move on to adoption. I've already started researching some agencies. There are so many. Does anyone have an adoption agency they would recommend or that they have heard good things about? If we are going to adopt I really need to make more money. I've enjoyed my current job as a career counselor. I love my boss and many of my coworkers but working for a nonprofit organization that has no room for advancement with minimal raises is difficult when looking at the costs of adoption. Plus I have been here for five years the same length of time we have been trying to start our family. Maybe it's just time for a change. It may sound odd but I'm really just feeling like there is a change coming. I remember my grandmother use to say "I can feel a change in the air" and that's how I'm feeling today.

More Blood Tests

Well yesterday I went in for my BETA and it had already dropped to 7. The nurse told me that anything over 5 they consider pregnant but by Friday when I have my next blood test it should be 0. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with this for months. But it makes me sad that I know longer feel pregnant. I am no longer pregnant. I'm hoping everything with my liver looks OK on Friday too. When you read about the side effects one could have from the Methotrexate shot it really is frightening. I wish I wouldn't have needed the shot it seemed that I was already miscarrying on my own but Dr D was worried about my tube bursting and the shot beats surgery. This whole experience has been such a disappointment and I'm just not sure what is next for us on this journey. We cannot try to get pregnant again until August which is frustrating. We still have two frozen embryos ready for us to use but Dr. D had commented that they aren't as good as quality as the little guys that were placed into me this time. I still cant believe my little guys are gone. I'm not sure I will be up for another round of IVF again. It seems at this point it's becoming emotionally and financially draining. I can't imagine going through this all over again and having the same results. I'm starting to look more and more towards adoption, all the information out there is overwelming. There are so many different adoption agencies how can anyone make a decision? Also, it seems that it costs between $20-30K to adopt. Not that you can put a price on having a family but honestly we don't have that kind of money right now. We have already spent so much on fertility treatments. It seems like it would take years for us to raise those kinds of funds. Adoption through foster care is another possibility, but I haven't done enough research to make a decision yet. Any thoughts on adoption or foster care?

Updates

First of all thank you so much for the supportive comments this week. I really appreciate all of you and am thankful that I can vent on this blog. Thursday afternoon I met with Dr. D who did an ultrasound and verified his suspicions that I had in fact an ectopic pregnancy. There is absolutely nothing in my uterus, no sac, no evidence that a sac ever existed. I felt like I was prepared for this but I wasn't. Hearing that my uterus was bare put me into tears for most of the evening last night. I had to come face to face with the fact that this time there would be no baby. I was a little irritated with Dr. D yesterday; I had a bunch of questions for him and he didn't want to answer them all at this time. He was very polite but stated "I want to get you out of the danger zone first. I will answer all of your questions later!" I appreciate that he wants me to be safe but I felt a little dismissed. And to make matters worse the appointment cost me $260. Seriously? After all the money we have already paid? This morning my blood levels finally rose to 211, this has been my highest level so far. Ironic that for weeks I have been praying that my levels go up, now when they need to go down they are finally rising. And I also started the period from hell this morning with the worse cramps I have ever had. I really thought I would die earlier. The nurse assured me this is normal and I was instructed to make the two hour trip to have the methotrexate shot administered. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to have the shot but it seems a better option than surgery or having my tube burst open. I don't understand why this has happened to me. I'm starting to question what is next in this journey for us. I'm starting to wonder if I really will ever become a mother. I miss the babies I never got to meet. I'm going to try to heal quickly. I thought I would have more peace, love and laughter this year. But it's hard to laugh when your heart is breaking. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. I'm hoping the rest of you are having better luck with your journeys.

Things Are Not Looking UP

Well my blood results from this morning have came back and things are not looking good. I have gone from 85 on Friday to 81 today. So again,I'm dropping, just a little, but the doctor doesn't think I can catch up at this point. I am five weeks pregnant today, and instead of feeling the joy, I'm back to a dark place where I have been before. Although I feel calmer this time, maybe because after your first miscarriage you realize everything that can go wrong so quickly. Technically,I'm still pregnant but they definitely believe this baby will not be around to stay. There is no growth. There will be no birth, no birthday parties, no baby. We have now had two IVFs with two BFPs with nothing to show for it. Yes, this definitely sucks. I really cant get any definite answers right now. They think my numbers will drop again by my next blood test on Thursday,but they are also still concerned that this may be an ectopic pregnancy so they want to watch it closely. I'm just not sure where do I go from here? Maybe I will get more answers when I meet with the doctor on Thursday. I feel like the universe is just pissed off at me. Why do I keep losing babies? For those of you who are reading this and are pregnant I truly am happy for you and wish you the best of luck in your pregnancies but I cant help but be angry that this is happening to me. There is truly nothing worse than being told that you are going to miscarry and there is nothing you can do. I really thought this was going to be the one for us. I'm starting to think that being parents just may not be in the cards for us. I'm sure I will feel better, but right now I just feel heartbroken.

Seriously?

Thank you everyone for the supportive comments you posted on my blog this week. Thanks to Blogger's meltdown my comments have disappeared. I feel like I may be having a meltdown of my own. Here's a quick update, my first beta on Monday was 96. Hooray I'm pregnant! On Wednesday though my numbers had gone down to 61. Which we all know is never a good sign. My doctor thought maybe I was losing a twin, which made me incredibly sad, but he was still a little bit hopeful that I may get a baby out of this. I would be lying if I said I stayed calm at all times, didn't cry and have a meltdown. I prayed that my numbers would double for Friday and be up to at least 120. But they just didn't make it. My Friday numbers went up but only to 85. At this point my doctor thinks this is an ectopic pregnancy. I go Monday to have more blood taken but honestly the odds are not in my favor here. Rise numbers rise. I've read on the Internet that ectopic pregnancies are not uncommon in IVF pregnancies, but this seems so bizarre since your doctor actually places your embryos in the correct place. I'm not looking forward to losing this baby and my fallopian tube if this is the case. I would gladly give up my fallopian tube to have a healthy baby. But it just doesn't seem fair to lose both. Sometimes I feel like the universe is pissed off at me. If this doesn't work this will be our second IVF and the second baby we have lost after IVF. After both IVF's I have felt so thankful that it has worked for me and I was able to get a BFP. But what's the point if I never end up with a baby to hold? But I'm still in the game, right? For now all I can do is hold out that I will be in that 5-10% and everything will work out for me. The last few days have been longer than the whole 2ww put together. I realize, I really do need a miracle here!

Disappointments

Well today was a total disappointment. I'm trying to stay calm, not cry and remain optimistic. But that's so hard to do when you feel like your heart is breaking. The nurse called me today to tell me that my beta had dropped to 67. I thought I was going to have a heart attack especially since it was 960 on Monday. The nurse said no, it wasn't 960, it was 96. Which surprised me since I repeated the number 960 to the nurse I talked to three times on Monday. I was shocked it was so high. So apparently now I'm miscarrying our baby or maybe losing a twin. Either way it seems like I'm losing a baby so to say I'm just disappointed would be an understatement. Praying that I will still get a baby out of this but I'm not sure what the chance are once your numbers start dropping. Why is this so difficult?

First Beta

My first beta today was 960. The nurse said this was really good and I will test again on Wednesday. I'm thrilled to have been told something was really good. After our first IVF, I was pregnant for seven weeks. There always seemed to be something wrong. The first beta's numbers were low, they doubled slowly, the first heartbeat the found seemed slow. But I didn't care they had found the heartbeat and I believed I was finally going to be a mother. Than a week later there was no heartbeat. I have never been a deeply religious person but I'm praying this time is different. I'm praying I will finally get to be a mother. Strangely I feel less worried than last time, so far anyways. Maybe it's because I'm venting my feelings or maybe it's because I've realized that some things are out of our control. C. and I will be married for six years in August. Back then I planned on being pregnant within the first year or two. We have many friends and family members who started after us and have two or three children already. I hope this baby or babies stick around. For now I'm just relieved that something actually looks good! 4 weeks down and 36 to go! But whose counting right?

Mother's Day

The weekend has went by quicker than I anticipated, thank goodness. Yesterday afternoon I felt like AF was going to come. My boobs hurt, I was tired and I felt a little bit of cramping; when I went to the bathroom in the afternoon I was spotting. Just a little and not to gross anyone totally out but it was brown, which is unusually for me. I felt my heart sink but than told myself I would not freak out. I decided to cancel all plans and take it easy for the rest of the day. I laid down to read a book and was asleep within five minutes. Like I said I was really tired. This morning I woke up at 6:30 to of course use the bathroom and I decided to test. I know I said I wasn't going to do it. But I had to. I already had the test from another cycle and I just needed to know. I just had to do it. When the words POSITIVE appeared, I couldn't believe it. For right now at this minute I'm pregnant, according to the test and I couldn't be happier. Now I know the test could be wrong but right now I'm going with these results until proven otherwise. Of course I will feel better tomorrow after the results of my blood test but at least I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I woke C up at 6:30 this morning to tell him because I was so excited and of course I couldn't go back to sleep. This afternoon we drove three hours (round trip) to take my mom to brunch. I received some bad news that one of my good friend's mom from work died Saturday evening. We lost C's mom a few years back to lung cancer and anytime I hear that someone lost their parent now it makes me incredibly sad. It's awful to lose a parent. To those of you that recently found out your expecting or mother's already happy Mother's Day. To those of you that are waiting I hope you have your good news soon. I'm feeling so lucky right now. I'm not sure how I would of made it through the day if my test would have been BFN. I'm praying that the test was right. I'm so excited and want to tell the world I'm pregnant but I'm so scared to share my news and just have this be another disappointment. Right now I'm just going to try to enjoy the moment.

The Two Week Wait

In five days I will go in for my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant. We will officialy find out if any of our three little embies, that I already love, decided to stay around for awhile, hopefully for nine months. Last week went very quickly for me; after my little embies were placed into me on Wednesday I rested the rest of the week. Slept a lot, read some novels, watched some movies. I told myself the most important job in the world right now was to carry these little babies. I tried to imagine them sticking, and growing. I'm not sure if it helped but I hope it did. Monday I returned to work, but I'm so easily distracted. I can't imagine why? My boobs hurt as well as my butt (from the progesterone shots I'm assuming), I'm tired and hungry, but I'm sure it's to early for symptoms. Sigh. I can't believe how much I want to be a mother and how much I want these little babies to make it. I'm really torn about testing early. I thought I would take a home pregnancy test this weekend but I'm not sure if it's a good idea with Sunday being Mother's Day. I have already agreed to go to brunch with my mom and family for Mother's day. I love my mom and really want her to have a good day. If the test is negative it will be extremely difficult for me to put on a happy face and enjoy the day with her. My mom also suffered with IF so she has been extremely supportive about my journey. I know she has been praying for a miracle for us and wouldn't like anything more then to be a grandmother. C. thinks I should just wait until Monday, go have the blood test and we will know for sure. But the wait is killing me. Do most of you test at home early?

Things Dont Always Go As Planned

Wednesday was the big day where I had my little embies put into me. I haven't stopped thinking about them since that moment and I know this sounds corny but I love them already. I would like to say the morning went as planned with no hiccups, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. But all of us in the IF world know things often don't go as we plan.

First, the doctor had some bad news for me. Three of our embryos had died during the night. WTF? But on the positive side, the three embryos he was putting into me he considered "Grade A" and he was very optimistic about our success. However, we would now only have two embies to freeze and they are not what he would consider "Grade A." I'm still thankful I have some to freeze. Maybe they aren't perfect, but at least it gives me something to hold onto.

The nurse had told me Tuesday night drink water, take your Valium an hour before the procedure, but do not empty your bladder two hours before the procedure. Um OK, but I really do have the bladder the size of a pea. I made it through the procedure and was suppose to lay resting for a 1.5 before my journey home. I tried so hard to not have to get up and go to the bathroom, but my bladder wouldn't hold out. I was beginning to feel so uncomfortable and I knew that soon if I didn't go I would have an accident. As gross as it sounds, I would have been willing to have an accident if it gave my babies a better shot. But C. went to get the nurse and both her and the doctor agreed I could get up to use the restroom. I was all teary eyed, mad at my damn little bladder, but my doctor's reassurance that I didn't screw anything up helped and I tried to go back to my positive thoughts as quickly as possible.

I've been resting since then. Eating pineapple, rubbing my belly and praying that these little guys grow. My doctor said I could official go back to normal activities today except for no lifting anything over 10 pounds, no sex or exercise but since it's Friday I decided to stay at home one more day. I also don't plan on doing much over the weekend. I'm not sure if any of this will help, but it feels like it's the best I can do for myself right now. I also have to say I feel very blessed that my DH (C.), family, friends, and fellow bloggers have given me so many positive thoughts and support.

Updates

Well my doctor called me this afternoon to inform me that we have eight embroys. I can't believe that eight out of the ten made it. He will be putting three of the embroys into me tomorrow morning and we will have five to freeze. I just can't believe it. I'm feeling very optomistic this evening and praying that we will finally get our miracle baby!

The Whirlwind

The last few days have been such a whirlwind for me. It was great seeing my family for Easter. It was such a distraction from thinking about having my eggs removed Monday morning. I finally broke down and told my parents and brother that we were doing IVF. They handles it fantastically and it made me feel so much better. I felt like I was keeping this big secret from them and as the saying goes the truth sets you free. My surgery Monday morning went better than I expected. I had some cramping but wasn't in much pain, I'm sure the drugs helped a lot. I slept the whole two hour ride home and most of the day yesterday, and I'm still feeling a little out of it today. Thank goodness for a loving boss who let me take lots of time off this week. My doctor was able to retrieve ten eggs! I can't wait for them to call later, to let me know how many little embryos I have waiting for me. I'm feeling optimistic today. Since there was a point when I wanted to call it quits in this cycle and it seemed like three eggs was the most I could hope for; I'm thrilled that I managed to receive ten! I'm just praying for some good news today. It sounds like if all goes well, I will be returning tomorrow to have my little guys placed back into me. I'm praying this works out for us and we get to finally start our family.

Raging Hormones

Today I can tell my hormones are out of control. I couldn't wait to get home from work to cuddle up with a book and do absolutely nothing. This is normally not like me at all, but I have been struggling to stay awake all day and DH (C) had told me last night that he had made plans to go out with one of our neighbors after work but he would be home by 8 for my shots. Of course when I got home, C and the neighbor were both here and the neighbor had drove over and blocked the garage where I normally park. No big deal, but I have to park behind him or on the road. Of course since I'm wearing heels I choose to park behind him. As I walk into the house, there was no "How was your day?' or "Good to see you!" Just "Where did you park? Why couldn't you park somewhere else?" I realize I may be being over sensitive but it really pissed me off. I offered to move my vehicle so they could get out and off they went. It just seemed so obnoxious. So unlike C. But I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.

My appointment yesterday went better than I expected. The ultrasound tech counted 18 follicles which I was thrilled about. She did say most of them were small but several would large. She didn't give me the exact number the nurse always calls later with the results which is a little annoying. But I was thrilled to hear the number 18. We have gone from 3 to 8 to 18. When the nurse called me later in the afternoon she said I could probably only count on 9. My largest follicle is 17.5. I have eight more that range from 13.5-9 and the rest are smaller. So grow babies grow is all I can say. My estrogen has gone up to 960 so I'm also excited about that but I also have read that the number really should be over 2000 when doing IVF, so I'm hoping that it is higher tomorrow. Tomorrow is Good Friday so I'm hoping for some good news after my ultrasound and blood work. The nurse stated that I might have my retrieval as early as Monday which I'm starting to freak out about. Keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle works out.

Being Hopeful

Yesterday's appointment went better than I expected. I started out my journey before dawn preparing for my two hour drive, when it started to snow. Really, more snow in April? I was hoping that this was not a sign about how the rest of my morning would continue. I managed to arrive to my appointment on time and my doctor personally did my ultrasound. Dr. D said he was shocked to find out that I only had a few follicles last week but was hoping for more when he did the ultrasound. He was able to locate five follicles on my left side and three follicles on my right; so it looks like I now have eight altogether which is definitely better than three. I'm excited and hopeful that we decided not to cancel the cycle, but I'm also a little disappointed because I was hoping for more. I'm on a high dose of Gonal F and assumed I would have 12-15 follicles this round. Dr. D said I could cancel and wait for a better cycle, but there are no guarantees what the next cycle will bring; it could be four follicles or it could be 15. This is starting to feel an awful lot like gambling and I'm so not a risk taker. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone here. I'm going out on a limb, having faith and telling myself this really will work. I'm also hoping we will be able to freeze some of these little guys for future use but I know I'm hoping for a lot. I also know it's about quality and not quantity. Yesterday, all of my follicle were measuring around 8-10 so I'm hoping there is some growth there. My Estradiol was only at 584 which seems a little low but Dr.D. said it was alright for now. Tomorrow I'm back for another ultrasound so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying a prayer that everything looks promising. I really hope I get to be a mom this time around.

Day Five Frustrations

What a frustrating day today turned out to be. I'm trying to stay optimistic but it is so hard. The Re I'm using has a wonderful reputation but it seems that I'm having an awful time with his office. Maybe because they are sending me to their satellite offices that are closer in location for me. I appreciate not having to drive two hours there and two hours back for an ultrasound, but this is getting bizarre. I'm starting to wish I never changed doctors. C. just reminded me that he has an incredible reputation, a higher success rate than our last doctor and costs way less; but I'm starting to feel like I bought a used car. We haven't paid yet for the IVF and I'm thinking about throwing in the towel on this cycle.

This morning I went to a new location to have a ultrasound. There were no problems there. They had all of my paperwork and were expecting me. The ultrasound tech examined me and found two follicles on my right side and one follicle on my left. I couldn't see the ultrasound which bothered me. I asked her if there was a cyst on my left side and she said no it was a follicle. At this point, I'm not sure if the cyst went away or the cyst and the follicle are one in the same. Next I was on to do blood work at the building next store. However, they didn't have my lab slip. No problem I would call the doctors office. After waiting on hold for what seemed like forever the receptionist said she couldn't find my nurse but would fax the lab slip over. That's when the girl at the lab, that my doctors office sent me too, said they couldn't take a lab slip from my doctors office. They would have to fax it to the main hospital and the main hospital would have to send it over which could take hours. What a crazy policy. I asked the girl if they could fax me the slip and I could hand it to her but she wasn't amused. So my doctors office ended up faxing the lab slip to me at work and I went to the lab by my work. However, by this time it was already after 9:00, between drive time and me having to stop at work to get the lab slip. The lady at the lab told me she wouldn't be able to get my doctor results that evening and I started to cry. It seems silly now but the whole morning had been so frustrating. She felt bad and said she would see what she could do.

I went to work and waited for the nurse to call me. She finally called around three and wanted to know why I hadn't called about the lab misunderstanding. This really set me off but I was calm and told her I was concerned about only having three follicles. She stated the doctor didn't discuss that there were any problems with her and she said to just keep taking Gonal F and return for an ultrasound on Monday. When I asked to talk to the doctor she said she would just schedule me an appointment with him and have him to do the ultrasound at their main location on Monday morning. I hung up with her feeling completely dismissed.

I called back around 4:30 and the phones were already shut off but I left a message with the after hours services that I would like to talk to my doctor since I was thinking of cancelling my IVF cycle. A doctor (not my doctor) did call me back and agreed that the three follicles were not good but did think I should stay on the medicine and come in Monday morning for the ultrasound. If I didn't have any more follicles we could always cancel the IVF.

I'm so bummed out about this. I really want to be positive but it just seems like things are not lining up this cycle. I hate to stay on this medication which is crazy expensive just to have the cycle cancelled Monday. But I also hate to cancel it. I'm so tired of waiting. I just need this time to be successful. I know there are no guarantees but it seems like luck is not going our way so far. C. thinks I should take the medicine all weekend and meet with the doctor on Monday. So for now that's what I plan to do. Would any of you stop the cycle or is it to early to tell?

Cysts and IVF-Day Three

Yesterday was such a hectic day. I was up and out the door at the crack of dawn to be on time for my ultrasound. Again, I really miss the girls at my last RE's office, they were so friendly. I went to my new RE's satellite office since it's closer to me than their main office. Their satellite office is also an OBGYN office, so it was a little strange. I'm not use to the kids toys and very pregnant women in the waiting room. But I survived. My wait wasn't long and the ultrasound tech seemed very thoroughly. She looked at my left ovary first and said it looked great, three little follicles already forming. Then she examined the right ovary and found a cyst, 2.5 cm. She stated that she doubted that my doctor would start me on the medications, but wait for the nurse to call. So I left thinking my life was on hold one more month. At 3:00 I still hadn't heard from the nurse who normally calls me so I called the office to find out she was off for the day. Of course. The receptionist transferred me to another nurse who stated that they normally do IVF even if there is a little cyst there. I expressed my concerns, and she said the doctor would call me. I really don't want to be a difficult patient, but since we are paying for this out of pocket and who knows if we will ever have the funding again I want to do everything we can do to be successful. The doctor called me last night and said he wasn't worried about the cyst. That my hormone levels looked great, my thyroid levels were back to normal, and the cyst would not effect the number of eggs I develop. He also stated that if the cyst is still there when he takes out my eggs he will just drain it. Of course I was concerned about the cyst causing a miscarriage. He made me feel better and my DH (C) told me last night I should stop worrying. That we should trust the doctor, he is highly recommended and he feels confident that he will do everything in his power to make this work for us. So I'm trying to be positive, have faith and just let the chips fall where they may. But boy is this difficult. I started the Gonal F last night and go for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I'm hoping for lots of healthy eggs this time. Has anyone else gone through IVF with having a cyst?

Day Two

Yesterday afternoon I was blessed with Aunt Flow arriving. She was a few days early this month and this generally doesn't happen to me. So here we go with IVF #2. The first time I was excited, but this time I am just freaking out. Constantly questioning myself is this the right decision? I didn't have that the first time around. Maybe I was just more naive about what my body would have to go through. I was definitely naive about having a miscarriage. I thought to myself no God would let me lose my baby after years of struggling to get pregnant. But my guardian angel must have been on vacation because it happened. Now a year after the miscarriage we are trying IVF again. I had my blood taken yesterday since my doctor agreed to run a few more tests to make sure everything looks good, (since I am stressing out that something could be wrong.) I had my blood taking this morning to find out my FSH level and tomorrow morning I have my first ultrasound. I'm scared. I don't want to be but I am. I'm having cold feet. I still want to be a mother and have a baby with C more than anything in the world, but this time I'm just plain nervous. I know what can happen.

Driving home last night, I asked for a sign that this was the right thing to do, and a Dove sat on our deck watching me make dinner. This has to be some type of sign right? I'm not a very religious person, but I'm definitely spiritually and I'm definitely looking for signs. Driving home from work tonight I was thinking about how much money this was costing us and realizing we were still short. When I opened the mail tonight our credit card company had sent us checks that can be used with 0% interest as long as its paid off before June 2012. Now I'm not a big fan of us taking on more debt but this seems like another sign right? Than why am I still scared. Maybe its because I'm not much of a gambler. I dont like my 50/50 odds. I would never go into a casino and put this kind of money on black; I would be having anxiety about seeing red. Life is a risk; I know this. I also know that this has been a long journey and without the IVF our dreams of being parents probably wont happen. I'm going to get up at dawn and drive to my ultrasound appointment. I just wish I wasn't so nervous about it!

More Waiting

I feel like I am constantly waiting, but also feeling optimistic that my miracle will come. I don't mind waiting as long as there is a happy ending. The nurse at the RE office called me Friday to tell me she had all of our results finally and everything looks good except for that C. has low Vitamin D. The lab would like to see it over 30 and he was only at 18. So 2000 Vitamin D a day for him too. It seems strange that we are both low on Vitamin D, but the nurse stated lots of people in Michigan are low this type of year. That makes sense, since we haven't seen the sun in six months. It appeared today and it was gorgeous. I tried to get some extra Vitamin D today to make up for the long winter. I talked to my nurse about running a few more tests to make sure we weren't missing anything, since I'm still concerned about miscarrying again. When she called me back she said the doctor agreed, but didn't really feel it was necessary. I know he is doubling my progesterone since that was so low before and I will stay on the thyroid medication which could have caused problems to. But I just dont want to miss anything. The Fed Ex man delivered my package of drugs to me at work on Friday. It's overwhelming to look at all of the drugs together. So I'm just trying to concentrate on positive thoughts for now. More blood on Monday and then just waiting for AF to come. I'm secretly praying that AF will not arrive and by some miracle we will actually conceive on our own. Wow, to be like one of those couples who just have sex and have a baby! Life is such a crazy journey!

Moving Along

This week seemed a little hectic with trying to prepare for IVF. The nurse from my new RE's office called this week telling me there were three problems. One they did not have any of C's stuff, the lab had missed testing me for Chlamydia which needed to be done before IVF, and my vitamin D was low. I don't recall us ever talking about us providing a sample for C since his numbers have always looked good, but I guess it makes sense. The nurse suggested that we go to a local lab, she would fax me the lab slip, since we live two hours from the doctors office. When I asked her where she recommended to go she said she had no idea. I really am missing the girls at my old RE's office. Sure, the doctor there had some issues, but the girls that worked there were wonderful. After calling three of our areas local labs and telling them my story, I found a lab that could help us. So because C couldn't take anytime off work this week and I have a pretty flexible job; I was the lucky one who got to deliver the package. It was so strange dropping it off at a regular lab where everyone else was waiting to have their blood work done and I was reaching under my shirt to pull out the package I was trying to keep warm. Oh the life of being an Ifer; if it wasn't for having a good sense of humor I think we would all go crazy.

I went yesterday morning to have my blood taken again at the lab that forgot the one test. I learned an important lesson yesterday, when the phlebotomist comes out and says she is a student, ""Do you mind if I take your blood?" Just say NO. Of course I know everyone has to learn a new job at some point, but I think I was this girl's first patient. She put the needle in too deep, so needless to say it was not a good experience. Her supervisor had to take over and take the blood in the other arm; and I have a big bruise this morning in the arm that the student phlebotomist tried to take blood from. Again, I miss the phlebotomist from my old RE's office. She was wonderful! C has had to remind me that the new RE is a lot more thoroughly than the old one. I know we made the right choice switching, it's just that things were way more convenient at the old Re's office.

Started taking Vitamin D no problems there! After receiving some really good advice I'm seriously considering putting the IVF on hold while I have some more tests run. I'm going to call and talk to the RE on Monday. I just want to make sure I do everything in my power not to miscarry again; that's if we are lucky enough to become pregnant. Thanks for the support and advice I really appreciate all of you.

A Quiet Sunday

My parents were here for the weekend, they live about two hours north of us, and I always love spending time with them. They have now headed home, and for right now I am enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon; trying not to feel guilty that I'm ignoring the list of things I needed to do today. I'm blessed to have my parents, they are in their seventies and in great health. I have not told them yet that I will be doing IVF next month and I'm conflicted on rather to tell them or not. Part of me feels like I'm keeping this big secret from them if I don't tell them but part of me feels that I put to much pressure and disappointment on myself if I tell them and it doesn't work out or I miscarry again. It broke my heart all over again when I had to tell my mom last year that I had lost the baby and she would not be a grandma anytime soon. With my brother turning 40 next month and being happy with the bachelors lifestyle for now, I'm really her only hope. No pressure right?

I'm still taking the Synthroid for my thyroid but I really don't feel any different yet. Although it's only been a week. I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my insurance company that they will not be paying for some of my medications for the upcoming IVF. Their reason being that this is for IVF; if I was doing IUI they would cover the medication. If I thought doing IUI would work I would definitely go that route. But after four unsuccessful IUI's it seems that IVF is the best route. What's odd is that they did cover the medication for my first IVF. Did I just get lucky? Tomorrow I will have to call the pharmacy and prepare myself for the bad news when I found out how much all of this medication will cost me.

The Rollercoaster

What a roller coaster ride I feel like I'm riding on. Yesterday, I felt great, AF was finally gone and I was feeling confident in our decision to do our second round of IVF next month. But, this morning I woke up with a million What Ifs running around in my head. I really hate these What Ifs? What if we spend all of this money and it doesn't work? What if I miscarry again? Then the nurse at my new doctors office called me this afternoon with my blood results from Friday. Now there seems to be something wrong with my thyroid! Which is funny since I have been questioning that for the last few years. It's also ironic because the nurse told me I really didn't need my thyroid checked again but I insisted it be done. It's amazing to me that even with the best doctors you really have to be your own advocate when it comes to your fertility. The nurse said anything over 3 they consider high and my levels are 4.6. So tonight I begin taking Synthroid and hope that my levels are normal by the time AF shows up again. Does anyone else have a thyroid problem?

I became really frustrated at work today which now I feel bad about; I'm just so tired of waiting. When I married C. five years ago I assumed that we would have children by now. I know I'm not alone but when I look around me it seems so many woman who started trying when we did have two or three children by now. And again I'm just spinning my wheels. I can't help but wonder how long have I had this thyroid problem and has it been causing my infertility problem the whole time? So far we have just been categorized with "unexplained infertility." Part of me feels that maybe we should put the IVF on hold to see if I can get pregnant on my own once my thyroid is under control without going through IVF. But since I'm now closer to 40 than 35 it seems that time is not on my side. Plus we would be out the $2000 we have already paid, and let's face it there is no money tree growing in our backyard. Boy, do I wish we had one of those.

I have such a good support group at work which I'm thankful for. Many have been part of this journey for awhile and I've been pretty open about my struggles. But it's starting to feel like it's too much, that I'm constantly bombarded with questions and every conversation has to be about my uterus. I really love my friends at work but it seems clear I need to put up some boundaries. Especially since no one at work has experienced this first hand and I think this is so hard to understand if you haven't been here. Any suggestions on how to put up boundaries without hurting any ones feelings? Thanks for listening.

My Mind is Racing

I should still be sleeping. I was excited about sleeping in this morning; I took the morning off since I'm having acupuncture done today. But when C's alarm went off this morning, I was wide awake my mind already racing. I feel restless. Again I'm left waiting. Waiting to start AF so I can have my blood taken. Then waiting for AF one more time in April to start IVF all over again. I'm hoping for some type of miracle here that maybe AF wont come and we will be pregnant all on our own. But after five years of trying, I doubt that will be the case. I have heard stories of woman who struggled with IF for years, stopped trying and became pregnant. I hate to sound cynical, but what are the odds, really? I need to find an OBGYN for a yearly exam that is past due. I also need one in case I'm lucky enough to get my BFP in April. I have not been back to my "old" OBGYN since I had the miscarriage. He was so cold about it. It was a horrible experience and every time I think about it my blood boils. I definitely do not want to go back there. Besides his office is 45 minutes from my work so I really need someone closer. What is the best way to find a new doctor? I'm also struggling with how we are going to pay for this IVF. Once again we are wiping out our savings and will still have to go more in debt. Should we take out a loan, use a credit card? Why can't I be one of those girls that just has sex and gets pregnant? Hopefully, I will feel more relaxed after acupuncture.

To Full Term-Darci Klein

I started reading an excellent book this week, "To Full Term," written by Darci Klein. I'm only about half way through but I'm planning on finishing it this week. Darci delivered her first daughter twelve weeks early and then went on to lose four babies until the birth of her son. Any miscarriage is devastating, I know mine was, I can't imagine the horror of losing four babies. She lost twins at twenty weeks. Darci is truly an amazing and courageous woman. She asks a lot of really good questions in this book. Like, why don't doctors research why women miscarry after their first one? Why do most doctors shrug it off and just tell us to keep trying? Most doctors don't pursue why women have a miscarriage until they have lost two or three babies. This is standard practice. Maybe it's just me but this seems absolutely crazy. I can't help but question why did I miscarry? Is there something wrong that has not been detected and could this possibly happen again? Darcy has a disorder called Factor V Leiden which can cause abnormal clotting that can lead to miscarriage. I've never even heard of Factor V Leiden before, I doubt I have been tested for this. This quote from the book absolutely haunts me, "A likely seven hundred thousand women lose pregnancies to treatable causes every year-and that's only in this country." I'm really trying hard not to worry. But this really bothers me. Even after all of the doctors we have seen and the tests they have run we have still been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." We were lucky enough to get pregnant with our first IVF but only to lose our baby at eight weeks. At seven weeks there was a light heartbeat and at eight weeks we were told that our baby was gone. What if something is wrong that will cause me to miscarry again? Are there more tests that I should do before the IVF in April? I feel like I need to do everything in my power to make sure that I don't miscarry again, that's if we are even lucky enough to get pregnant. Anyone else feeling nervous?

Updates!

A lot has happened since my last post and I'm excited that things seem to be moving forward. I made the two hour drive this week to have a sonohystogram and mock embryo transfer performed. Oh, how I hate that painful test but the good news is everything looks great! I was assigned to a nurse who will be with me step by step through IVF. We put down our deposit to reserve a spot in April for IVF and my emotions are all over the place. I have been feeling very anxious about the finances and emotions of all this but today I'm feeling very positive. Last January, we attempted our first IVF, we ended up with 4 little embryos that were all transferred into me, one made it and we were BFP! It was one of the happiest times of my life, but we ended up miscarrying right before the eight week, which was one of the most devastating times of my life. I went through a pretty dark chapter at that time and didn't think I would ever attempt IVF again. I realized though that my dreams of motherhood didn't disappear and I don't want to look back at my life with regrets. I will be on a lot more medications this time around. My new RE feels that I was not on the right medications with my first IVF and that's why I developed only six eggs. I will also be on a higher level of progesterone. He stated that the level of progesterone I was on before was very low and now I can't help but wonder if this caused the miscarriage. Was I just not getting enough progesterone? I will never know for sure why I miscarried and I know I shouldn't speculate on the reasons but it's so hard not to. My girlfriend's heart surgery went well and if all goes well she will be out of the hospital on Tuesday. This was the first weekend in months I didn't watch her son and although it was nice to accomplish some things on my to due list and get together with friends; I missed the sound of pitter-patter of little feet. Hopefully, I will be hearing the sound of my own child's pitter-patter of little feet in years to come. For now, I'm feeling positive and optimistic about the future.

The Roller Coaster of Emotions

This last week I've felt like I was back on a crazy roller coaster of emotions, many ups and downs. I met with my new doctor who I love . He is very personable, optimistic, and has the highest success rate with IVF in our area. I feel really good about him and his practice. Unfortunately, his office does not take our insurance and it cost me $220 for our first visit and an additional $950 to schedule IVF in April. My feelings of goodness and love have turned into major anxiety. Suddenly I wish our finances were better. I have came down with a cold and my best friend is currently in the hospital with major heart complications. I've been taken her five year old every weekend, who I love and adore, but my stress level seems high and now I have all of these "what ifs" running through my head. What if this isn't the right time? What if it doesn't work? What if I'm still left childless at the end of all of this? I'm generally very positive but right now I feel like I have a gray cloud swarming over me and I need it to pass quickly. Any suggestions on how to eliminate stress and anxiety?

Snow Day

I'm ready for spring but thankful for the snow day. We already have about eight inches on the ground and it is still falling. It really is beautiful unless you are shoveling or driving in it. A while back I read a book by a woman who claims that at 42 she became pregnant "naturally" by changing her lifestyle, mainly her diet. She believes that by fasting for three days you can release all of the toxins from your body and basically will be healthier after. During the fast you can have juices (made fresh) of course and organic fruits and vegetables if need be. I have had an organic apple and water so far today and I'm getting ready to make my first batch of juice. The acupuncturist that I'm seeing told me three days is to long to do this fast and she would prefer I only fast for one day. I'm thinking of compromising and doing it for two days depending on how this first day goes. After the fast you are suppose to eat only organic products especially meats, milk and eggs. At least there are a lot more organic products to choose from now than there were a few years ago. I was impressed with my first shopping trip to Trader Joe's, lots of fresh organic products. If someone would have told me two years ago I would be fasting and doing acupuncture I wouldn't have believed them. Funny all of the crazy things we do to have a baby, when others seem to get pregnant so easily. I've stopped trying to analyse why this is the case. I've just decided that all of us have different journeys and there are no answers for now. I hope 2011 is a great year for fertility!

Good Old Aunt Flow

Well good old Aunt Flow came this week and I'm feeling exceptional grumpy today. I'm pretty realistic at this point that we will not be getting pregnant like everyone else the "old-fashioned" way, but every month I still have that little glimmer of hope and than she comes good old Aunt Flow, right on time, just like clockwork. I also found out on Friday that our "new" specialist does not accept our insurance which is extremely disappointing. I suppose when I look at the big picture it will be alright since our insurance doesn't cover IVF and that seems to be our best option at this point. But I will have to pay $230 for my consultation next month and any other tests he feels will be necessary. The new specialist I will be seeing charges $3000 less than what we paid last time for IVF and his success rate is 51% which is awesome compared to the average. My DH (C) and I have agreed that this will be the last round of IVF we will do. I'm hoping for more quality eggs this time. My first IVF attempt only resulted in six eggs; only four developed into "healthy embryos"; only one survived and we were so excited that we were finally going to have our baby, but eight weeks later we miscarried. Now I wish we would have held out for a cycle with more eggs, but who knows what would have happened. Right now I'm just feeling anxious, all of these "what ifs" are running through my head. Plus I can't stop thinking about that I was pregnant at this time last year. I know I really just need to relax but today this agitated feeling won't go away. Poor C. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with today!

Just My Luck

So I made a decision to see the new doctor and am working on getting the referral from my primary doctor and having my old records transferred when I received an official letter that I may have jury duty. Of course, just my luck. The day of my appointment (Monday) I have to call the court house that weekend to see if my number is called and if my number is up I have to report. Could they be more vague? Although, I do appreciate the advanced notice it just puts me in a bad spot, do I reschedule my appointment now assuming I will be called? Or do I plan on going to the doctor hoping that my number isn't called? But, if it is called that I have to cancel on a very short notice, which seems so rude. Maybe this is just a sign that I should wait a little longer. But I'm starting to feel like my time is running out. So many of may friends that started trying to get pregnant the same time I did have one or even two children now. I'm trying to stay optimistic though.

Making Decisions

I have spent the last week looking at our options and trying to make some solid decisions; should we keep pursuing fertility treatments and try IVF again or move forward with adoption? We have decided to see a new specialist and try our luck again at IVF. I have to admit I'm nervous, I'm afraid of having the same results. The miscarriage last year was detrimental for me. But, I know in my heart we have to try again. I don't want to have any regrets later. I'm looking past the "what ifs" that could go wrong, the debt this is costing us, and reflecting on the end result of having a beautiful baby with C. I really want to be a mother, sometimes I wish I didn't, it would make my life so much easier. I'm scared because I know this will be our last shot for IVF, the last year we try, and I'm praying and hoping that we will be successful. I know so many of us want this, it's truly unbelievable how many of us struggle with starting a family. It really doesn't seem fair, but I know life often isn't fair. Now I need focus on getting get everything together: my records transferred from my "old" specialist to the "new" specialist, and a list of questions for the "new" specialist. I'm currently reading Getting Pregnant: What You Need To Know Right Now by Neils Lauersen and I'm wondering if there isn't a problem that has been missed. Is something wrong with my thyroid or could I have PCOD? I know I have had cysts on my ovaries in the past. Maybe I'm just looking for something to be wrong, something more explainable than "unexplained infertility." Can anyone recommend some good books on infertility?